Would I be unreasonable to track someone down through their workplace?

[OneShyBear]

I’m a foster carer to 2 children. I met another foster carer by chance on Friday in a Costa when I was doing a care planning meeting on a zoom on my laptop. She overheard the whole meeting and then told me after that she was also a foster carer too and then we both chatted for over another 2 hours. At the end she wrote her phone number down on a piece of paper and told me to text her and keep in touch. We had worked out that we both had similar issues (with social services and in terms of support needed for our foster children) and similar experiences as foster carers and had worked out that we could both support each other and stay in touch as friends. I’ve lost the piece of paper that she wrote her number down on and I only have her first name and not her surname. During the conversation she did tell me that as well as being a foster carer she also works part time and she told me her workplace/the company (it’s a large/national company/organisation) that she works for too, would I be unreasonable to contact the company/organisation and give them my number and her first name (and the other information that she gave me during the conversation that could help her company identify the right person) and ask if they can track her down internally by any chance and pass on my number to her? Obviously I understand that they wouldn’t be able to give me her details or her number due to data protection but I could ask them to pass my number on to her if they could manage to track her down internally? Would I be unreasonable to do this? I’m happy to do it and I want to do it but my DH doesn’t think I should as he thinks that going through her workplace is “weird”. We both really got along well and genuinely intended to keep in touch (before I lost her number) as friends and we both had very similar experiences as foster carers too.

Yes it would be weird and you clearly need some refresher training about boundaries and confidentiality. She should not have listened in , nor should you conduct such a meeting in a public space, and neither of you should have discussed respective fostering roles.

I have answered it previously and also that’s not what this thread is about. People can discuss that if they want but that’s not what I asked advice on and that’s not what I asked if I was being unreasonable about.

Tbh if she's a half decent foster carer you'll hear about her when you get a phone call requesting you explain why another FC has reported that she overheard the meeting in a public place.

If you don't you really should let sleeping dogs lie because if she realises at some point how inappropriate it was that you said enough in a public place that she clocked that your were a FC having a meeting then it'll be awkward for both of you.

A one off is once too many. Doesn’t matter that she only hear your side of the conversation, she heard enough to know what you do.

Awful OP no matter how you try and dress it up

My employer wouldn’t accept this. I guess it depends on what she does.

I also can not get past the fact that you did a care planning meeting in Costa! Surely you should have planned your day around being home for this. If you were really that rushed could you have not done it in the car? The fact that you had your headphones on your person makes me think you intended to do the meeting there all along. The child could easily be identified and the placement put at risk solely off what was said from your side of the conversation. Your husband seems to have strong opinions on you tracking this woman down, I'd love to know his opinion on you holding such a confidential meeting in such a public setting.

I don’t understand why this isn’t sinking in.

The holding a confidential meeting in Costa is as you have been told, a serious breach of your employment as a FC.

The fact you seem to keep brushing this off is a major red flag.

But even more so is the fact that you then were approached by a complete stranger saying 'I heard everything' and instead of taking that as a cue that you'd fucked up, you thought it appropriate to chat to this stranger for 2 hours about more confidential matters!

And then were even more so lacking in boundaries that you want to try and track them down and are trying to find ways to do so. And even going to Costa to leave your number hoping this stranger is as weird as you and looks for you there.

I ask again if you were in care yourself?

So the people you were on the call with were content with you carrying out the meeting in a public place?

I think it's very inappropriate to pursue a personal contact through their workplace.

Also a big no to having care planning meetings online in a public place.

You need Boundaries. Wow.

OP your husband is right - it would be incredibly weird especially as she'd listened to and then discussed a confidential meeting with you which should never gave taken place in a Costa!

I had to take part in a long (over 4 hours) CHC meeting on teams and the chair excluded a care worker because they were in a public space. She told them to log back in when they were in a private room and could not be overheard. The chair of your meeting should have done the same or you should have advised them that you were in a public space. I know you came on here asking if you should try to hunt someone down via their workplace but you seem not to understand how inappropriate this would be under the circumstances. You come across as desperate to have a new friend rather than being at all bothered by how awful it was to attend the meeting and then have a conversation with a TOTAL STRANGER about that meeting in a Costa coffee!

Threads like this make me think some OPs throughly deserve to be doxxed and given consequences!

I must be blind because I can't spot the OP post where she confirms that she told other people on the meeting she was in costa
happy to be corrected

You're not blind. She hasn't confirmed any such thing and it's highly unlikely she would have been allowed to remain in the meeting if she had admitted where she was.

Maybe its a completely ridiculous idea but could you go to the main entrance to her workplace and see if you can see her? I know it sounds a bit stalkerish but if you explained why, she would probably be ok. Thats better than trying to track her through the workplace personnel channels, which might create security/ confidentiality issues. I dont mean hang about like a man in a dirty raincoat but maybe sit in your car and see if you see her walkjng into the building......difficult if she goes in round the backi know.

Ex safeguarding lead here OP. You are in breach of so much protocol I’m speechless. I really hope you made this up.

Definitely do it!

I would be angry and freaked out if someone did this to me.

Is this a serious suggestion?

If someone I had met once in highly inappropriate circumstances did this to me, I would probably call the police.

The OP, by her own account, is a bit weird and obsessed with this woman, but she would have to be completely batshit to run with this idea...

Haven't read all the thread but have read all the OPs comments. Agreed it was a wildly inappropriate place for a meeting, and also inappropriate to then spend 2 hours discussing things with a random person
I would also add (apologies if it has already been asked) but did you not have your phone on you. I can't remember the last time I took a number on a piece of paper that alone would throw me completely

How do you know she wasn’t ear wigging and when you caught her out she pretended to have similar circumstances and repeated stuff she heard from you?

If you go to her company page on LinkedIn, select the People option and then enter her first name into the search box, you might be able to get a match if her LI profile isn’t locked down.

To answer your AIBU @OneShyBear - yes, you are being unreasonable to track her down.

But the reason why people are conflating the two issues (tracking her down and the Costa meeting) is because they are inextricably linked to your suspected inability to maintain boundaries in relationships and to understand what it is appropriate.

People make mistakes and bad choices, even wonderful foster carer with plenty of training. Sometimes we have blind spots and it’s helpful for others to point them out. So if you’d come on here, asked the q and then reacted with horror and contrition when people called you out, I think this would be a much more supportive thread.

’OH my gosh, I messed up, I don’t know what came over me, can’t believe I did this, was distracted, feel awful, how can I make this right’

But your doubling down and only engaging with those talking about how to find the woman tells me that you don’t feel like that, and I think the consensus of the comments on this thread is that you ought to feel like that.

I think it’s also worth pointing out why it’s different than tracking someone down in a different scenario. Eg a few years ago, I had a bad car accident, and a wonderful woman stopped to help me and calm me down. I couldn’t remember her second name, just that she was a teacher at the nearby school, so I dropped a nice card in to Jane at An. Other High School to say thanks. I think that’s ok.

But the difference here is that you ought not to have talked to her for so long in the first place. She’s already heard more than she should’ve done about your situation, and you wanting to track her down for further conversations implies that you still can’t see that the interaction was unhelpful.

Best of luck, OP, I hope you can find the support you need to keep your foster children safe and well cared for

I’ve tried that already unfortunately.