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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would I be unreasonable to track someone down through their workplace?

430 replies

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 12:09

I’m a foster carer to 2 children. I met another foster carer by chance on Friday in a Costa when I was doing a care planning meeting on a zoom on my laptop. She overheard the whole meeting and then told me after that she was also a foster carer too and then we both chatted for over another 2 hours. At the end she wrote her phone number down on a piece of paper and told me to text her and keep in touch. We had worked out that we both had similar issues (with social services and in terms of support needed for our foster children) and similar experiences as foster carers and had worked out that we could both support each other and stay in touch as friends. I’ve lost the piece of paper that she wrote her number down on and I only have her first name and not her surname. During the conversation she did tell me that as well as being a foster carer she also works part time and she told me her workplace/the company (it’s a large/national company/organisation) that she works for too, would I be unreasonable to contact the company/organisation and give them my number and her first name (and the other information that she gave me during the conversation that could help her company identify the right person) and ask if they can track her down internally by any chance and pass on my number to her? Obviously I understand that they wouldn’t be able to give me her details or her number due to data protection but I could ask them to pass my number on to her if they could manage to track her down internally? Would I be unreasonable to do this? I’m happy to do it and I want to do it but my DH doesn’t think I should as he thinks that going through her workplace is “weird”. We both really got along well and genuinely intended to keep in touch (before I lost her number) as friends and we both had very similar experiences as foster carers too.

OP posts:
AlexandraBee · 30/11/2025 15:36

Hmm tricky. I think it’s weird you lost the number, if it was so important! I wouldn’t track her down in a stalkerish way (I know how I’d feel if an other did this). Maybe go to the coffee shop same time same on other days, she’ll definitely be there again sometime!

Meltedchocs · 30/11/2025 15:45

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 12:25

I wouldn’t do it again but I was in a really bad rush and wasn’t going to get home in time, it really was a one off that was.

Not good enough OP. I’m shocked that you’re not getting it

FirmOliveReader · 30/11/2025 15:45

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 15:32

I’ve tried that already unfortunately.

You shouldn't be a foster carer.

You have no concept of confidentiality or boundaries and very weird.

You are a risk to children in your care.

Not just because you put their confidential information at risk but because you have become obsessed with a stranger you met and are going to bizarre lengths trying to track them down.

You are putting yourself at risk with your behaviour also and if you don't have any concept of how strange and dangerous you are being, you won't have any concept of how to protect children in your care.

I'll keep asking but have you been in care? This kind of unboundaried and risky behaviour isn't uncommon in people who have been in care themselves.

I can't think of many other reasons why you'd be going against every single aspect of training and education given to foster carers.

Rosilil · 30/11/2025 15:52

You need to leave this be and move on. She’s heard a whole bunch of a call she shouldn’t have heard that shouldn’t be the start of a friendship. You’ve lost the paper and are now considering contacting her workplace and leaving numbers at Costa and what not. This is all inappropriate, I’m sure it was a nice chat, but it started because of lack of boundaries and you’re now wanting repeat that in a different way to talk to her workplace etc.

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 15:53

AlexandraBee · 30/11/2025 15:36

Hmm tricky. I think it’s weird you lost the number, if it was so important! I wouldn’t track her down in a stalkerish way (I know how I’d feel if an other did this). Maybe go to the coffee shop same time same on other days, she’ll definitely be there again sometime!

I’ve been back since and left my number with the Costa but I will go back there again

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 30/11/2025 15:55

Without wishing to be funny, how do you know she is who she says she is? What did you chat about for 2 hours and did you give any personal details of the children you foster? How can you be sure she's not related to these children in some way? You've said that you realise that you shouldn't have been having this discussion in a public place, yet you're wanting to find the person who gave you very minimal information about themselves. I'd think very carefully about this and make sure you are aware that you've already done a breach and may be heading for another. To answer your question, no organisation should tell you if someone works for them just by you contacting them, Costa shouldn't be passing customers details on either (sorry but that's against all security rules)

FilthyforFirth · 30/11/2025 16:00

Why are you so utterly desperate to get back in touch with her? It is very intense and super weird.

PolyVagalNerve · 30/11/2025 16:03

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 12:49

I shouldn’t have done the meeting in a Costa, yes I accept that and that isn’t going to happen again.

Glad you said that !!!

better to miss / reschedule a care planning meeting

HUGE breach of confidentiality for your foster children

MannersAreAll · 30/11/2025 16:06

@OneShyBear Why are you so obsessed with getting in touch with this person?

If it's about having another FC to chat to then there are proper ways to meet up with other FC's.

You have no idea who this person is. They could be a complete fantasist. They could be someone who knows the system because they've lost their children. They could be anyone. You should never, ever have confirmed to them that you are a FC. Especially when they've overheard confidential details.

You are at best incredibly naive, at worst downright dangerous.

Mydadsbirthday · 30/11/2025 16:16

Perimenoanti · 30/11/2025 13:19

Has it been suggested yet to start a social media search along the lines 'does anyone know Anne working for X and being a foster carer'? Explain the situation briefly and ask for your details to be passed on if anyone does. You would need to take a stab at a local group. For example join the group of a town you know she lives in.

I did that once with a lost friend and someone had alerted him and I woke up to a message from him the next day.

Dear God. Do not do this!

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 16:21

Lightuptheroom · 30/11/2025 15:55

Without wishing to be funny, how do you know she is who she says she is? What did you chat about for 2 hours and did you give any personal details of the children you foster? How can you be sure she's not related to these children in some way? You've said that you realise that you shouldn't have been having this discussion in a public place, yet you're wanting to find the person who gave you very minimal information about themselves. I'd think very carefully about this and make sure you are aware that you've already done a breach and may be heading for another. To answer your question, no organisation should tell you if someone works for them just by you contacting them, Costa shouldn't be passing customers details on either (sorry but that's against all security rules)

I wasn’t going to ask her workplace to confirm if she works there or not. I was going to just give her workplace my contact details and the details that I have about her to allow them to try and identify her and just ask them to pass my number on to her if they can track her down internally.

OP posts:
MannersAreAll · 30/11/2025 16:33

was going to just give her workplace my contact details and the details that I have about her to allow them to try and identify her and just ask them to pass my number on to her if they can track her down internally.

What details do you have about her other than her name and being a foster carer? Because surely that is not something you were going to share to a general work email address that you have no idea who mans?

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 16:50

snoopythebeagle · 30/11/2025 12:29

No, don't go through her workplace. It's weird.

My husband also keeps saying it would be “weird” to go through her workplace but I don’t see the issue as long as it’s done carefully.

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · 30/11/2025 16:52

This reply has been deleted

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Hobnobswantshernameback · 30/11/2025 16:54

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JLou08 · 30/11/2025 16:57

I'm appalled you had a care planning meeting in a public place where people could hear what was going on.

Millytante · 30/11/2025 17:04

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/11/2025 12:54

Honestly it doesn’t matter if it happens again. You have could have put a child at risk. The damage is already done. That stranger could be anyone- including someone who poses a risk to that child.

the fact you made such a poor decision for no other reason that you running late would also raise massive concerns for me- what other decisions could you make if you were under some kind of pressure?

And yet that pressure miraculously vanishes, along with all considerations for privacy, so she could yak with an eavesdropping stranger for two hours.
Whatever/whoever was awaiting her prompt arrival back home was left dangling. Hope it wasn't a hungry pet.

ome

rainbowunicorn · 30/11/2025 17:04

Perimenoanti · 30/11/2025 13:19

Has it been suggested yet to start a social media search along the lines 'does anyone know Anne working for X and being a foster carer'? Explain the situation briefly and ask for your details to be passed on if anyone does. You would need to take a stab at a local group. For example join the group of a town you know she lives in.

I did that once with a lost friend and someone had alerted him and I woke up to a message from him the next day.

Tell me you are not being serious. Good God. I honestly despair. The OP has broken her safeguarding responsibilities to vulnerable children. She has conducted a confidential meeting on an insecure public wifi. She has the continuesd to break safeguarding responsibility by having a 2 hour conversation with someone that could literally be anyone, a journalist, someone related to the children, a social worker. She just dosent know. So after all that your solution is to pop on social media and ask if anyone knows this person and describe the circumstances they met in. Are you serious?

MannersAreAll · 30/11/2025 17:07

My husband also keeps saying it would be “weird” to go through her workplace but I don’t see the issue as long as it’s done carefully.

And how exactly are you going to do it carefully?

How are you going to contact the workplace other than calling a random reception number or emailing a general email box?

Porkychops · 30/11/2025 17:09

Having a meeting like that in a public place is an absolute no. You should have sent aplogirs if you couldnt be in a privatebspace. Would you be happy if your doxtor ot supervising social worker talked about you in COSTA?

Todayisenough · 30/11/2025 17:13

I know it’s been said but going to say it again.

FFS get a new brain!

Im actually doubtful this happened. Foster carer having a care planning meeting in a public place - overhead by someone else - who wants to meet you again … riiiiiight !

rainbowunicorn · 30/11/2025 17:18

Perimenoanti · 30/11/2025 13:52

I know a fair bit about trying to find people and make contact. Yes I didn't clock the foster carer part. I imagine you are pretty perfect in all situations though so that's fantastic for you.

The OP mentions foster caring 5 times. The words foster carer are used within the first very short sentence. Not sure how it is possible to miss that. If you are going to give advice it might be an idea to actually read all of the OP.

Perimenoanti · 30/11/2025 17:22

rainbowunicorn · 30/11/2025 17:18

The OP mentions foster caring 5 times. The words foster carer are used within the first very short sentence. Not sure how it is possible to miss that. If you are going to give advice it might be an idea to actually read all of the OP.

And this has been said about five times too and you seem to have ignored another post of mine where I explained that OF Course know that foster carer was mentioned but I saw things through another lens. So it might actually make sense for you to read and understand all posts too and stop piling on.

I made a mistake. Now what are you going to do about it? I GOT IT and now move on and find another way of making yourself feel good by trying to be smart.

Perimenoanti · 30/11/2025 17:24

rainbowunicorn · 30/11/2025 17:04

Tell me you are not being serious. Good God. I honestly despair. The OP has broken her safeguarding responsibilities to vulnerable children. She has conducted a confidential meeting on an insecure public wifi. She has the continuesd to break safeguarding responsibility by having a 2 hour conversation with someone that could literally be anyone, a journalist, someone related to the children, a social worker. She just dosent know. So after all that your solution is to pop on social media and ask if anyone knows this person and describe the circumstances they met in. Are you serious?

Read all posts beyond the OP and then comment. You are no better.

snoopythebeagle · 30/11/2025 17:26

OneShyBear · 30/11/2025 15:53

I’ve been back since and left my number with the Costa but I will go back there again

I'd love to see the Costa staff's reaction to you doing this.

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