ILs wanting more GC visits

[Abbey192]

My ILs expect visits from GC but they don’t like to offer practical childcare support. I know they have no obligation to do so, but I find it frustrating that they want to enjoy only playing with GC, with no obligation to help me when I’m struggling. When I’ve suggested I need help in the past, they’ve said that they have other commitments and excuses are made. When I don’t visit enough I hear that they are upset that we’re not coming regularly. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed that they want to cherry pick all the good times with no support for these harder times.

They’ll be getting older themselves and I feel really resentful that they get to enjoy this time with no support for us when we really need it, yet I guarantee that if we don’t help them, again that would cause problems. Other family put pressure on us to help them/visit more and I also find that very frustrating.

I really hate this 'bargaining' over grandchildren, whereby it's seen as a bad thing that they just want to enjoy them without having to work in exchange.

It's nice if grandparents can help out but it shouldn't be seen as something they're obliged to do, just to spend time enjoying their grandkids after they've raised their own family.

Your husband needs to arrange to either bring the kids to them, or arrange a time when he'll be in and they can visit.

Any help is a bonus but it shouldn't be in return for seeing their GC.

It’s up to your DH to facilitate visits so if anyone mentions it refer them to him

Surely the joy of being grandparents is that you get to 'cherry-pick' the good bits?

Hey H your mum is banging on about seeing the kids again, can you sort something out and take them.

It becomes less of an issue for the historical sexist reasons of the man has to make these arrangements.

His parents
His children

Stop facilitating this.

Entirely agree with you OP. Family isn’t just something that’s there for you when convenient, and you don’t get to enjoy the good parts without helping during the hard parts. I think you need to have a gentle conversation about what’s fair & expected. Not just with child care, but their own future care needs too.

That said, my IL are too elderly & frail to physically help, but they help us financially and give generous gifts (sand pits, climbing sets etc), so there are different ways of helping. So I have no problem facilitating as much time with the GC as possible. If your IL don’t/can’t physically help, maybe they could cook up some meals, help around the house, or pay for a membership to a zoo, garden, or soft play.

Historically GPs helped out, it’s only with concept of modern retirement that some have checked out of family commitments.

It’s sad that you do t want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents other than as childcare facilitators.

Why do you always have to go to them and why is the onus on you and not their son, your DH, to facilitate these visits?

YANBU OP

often times visiting IL’s creates more work than just staying at home. You have to bundle them up into the car to get there when they’d rather stay home with their toys, keep an eye on them in an environment that isn’t kid proof, often GP’s want to do activities with them that the DC don’t actually want to do and they’d rather just run around, you either have to take a packed lunch or prepare food in a different environment, often that your child is then too over/under stimulated to actually eat.

It is different if the GP’s are involved anyway. The kids like seeing them more, there’s toys are their house, GP’s are open to joining you on child centred trips out/activities that you’d be doing anyway etc.

But lots of GP’s expect to ‘enjoy’ their grandkids in a way that the actual kids don’t enjoy and that makes seeing them 100x more stressful for the Parents

Very good point

Why shouldn’t grandparents just enjoy the fun times with the grandchildren, they have brought up their own children , doing exactly what you are doing and now it’s time to enjoy the grandchildren.

my in-laws never saw our children unless we made the effort and we were always there, my mum made more of an effort and had them overnight once a month , all grandparents are different.

Neither my parents or inlaws lived close enough to offer day to day support but they were involved with our kids. I think you need to separate the idea that they should be helping you in order to gain access.

Thet said, if them pressuring you for more visits is stressful because it's just too much with your day to day (and let's face it raising kids is exhausting) then just say no. Tell them, sorry I have to do x y z this weekend so cannot come and visit....you are welcome to come here and hang out with the kids while I am doing it if you are missing them. That way the ball is in their court.....if they chose not to come because that feels too much like childcare then that's their tough luck and you can just remind them of that next time they moan at you. What does your dh say about his own grandparents role in his life?

The "struggle" with your children is something for you and your husband to deal with, they are your children. I think it's wrong to 'expect' that grandparents should definitely be able to look after small children. Many of my friends are grandparents. Some still have to work full time, some have ill health and some just find it exhausting to look after toddlers while they are in their 60s and 70s so help in other ways like cooking or paying for a club/activities.

You say that other family put pressure on to help them/visit more which you also find that very frustrating, yet it's the grandparents that are in your firing line, 'making up excuses' by explaining they have other commitments... You forget that they have done their childrearing.

If you don't want to facilitate visits to them, then their son can. Ask your husband to take them if it's all took much for you....

Visiting the inlaws doesn't create 'more work' if it's facilitated by their son, and not the OP.

It is different if the GP’s are involved anyway. The kids like seeing them more, there’s toys are their house, GP’s are open to joining you on child centred trips out/activities that you’d be doing anyway etc.

Absolute rubbish.

Many grandparents aren't used for free childcare and the kids absolutely love visiting, and the GP love being included in child centred trips.

Fair enough if this is your experience, but you're presenting it here as 'fact' for everyone.

Why is it down to you to sort the IL visits? Shouldn’t it be your DH/other half?

@2chocolateoranges 'Enjoy the grandchildren'? They're not a circus attraction.

Why shouldn't parents just get on with bringing up their kids without having to pander to GP's demanding to see them then? That argument cuts both ways.

Gotta wonder what kind of GP's would willingly watch their DC go through the ups and downs of parenthood and yet refuse to provide support (unless they have health issues or something). I could never do that to my kids.

Are you saying you don't enjoy your own children at all, or that you do and therefore you see them as a circus attraction?

It's not very clear?

Of course it's clear. (Grand) children don't exist so they can be carted over to the GPs' house for the GPs' benefit.

If these GP's want to be more involved, they need to make some effort rather than expecting their DIL to facilitate the relationship.

Sorry but YABU. I also feel that its sort of the grandparents job to cherry pick the good bits, however, I'd also leave it up to your DH to organise.

I get frustrated that my parents moan about never seeing the grandkids, but then never actually invite us to theirs or to anywhere, the onus is on my to organise events which I do, but its very annoying being moaned at while there that they neversee them. They also very much prefer us to visit them, which is getting easier as the kids get older. Their house isn't very child friendly and I always stressed over keeping them safe as toddlers, but now they are almost 4 and 7 that is getting easier.

Do they ever come to you? But forget about childcare - grandchildren are not a bargaining chip. I’d just tell them (or better your DH), that they are welcome to come visit on X day. At least that saves you the drive and packing toys etc.

YANBU OP. If they're so bothered about seeing their grandkids, they can make some effort too. They're getting back the effort they have put in. It's not your job to always facilitate. And they can't expect you to rally round them in their old age if they won't help you now. These things cut both ways, it's part of being a family. I am always astonished at people who sit back and watch their own kids struggle with parenting. Where's your DH in all of this, what does he think?

No it isn't clear.

You took issue with the phrase 'enjoying their grandchildren' and pointed out that they're not a circus attraction.

So by that reckoning, kids have to be a circus attraction to be enjoyed?

I agree that they should so some of the visiting, but not so they can be put to work.

On the flip side, if you’re really struggling and all they bring is more obligations and work then you can do as they do and say no completely guilt-free.

Are you really on here defending the phrase 'enjoying children'?

How... peculiar.

Next time they moan you say “Of course you can see them, how about I drop them off Saturday morning and they stay for a sleep over and I’ll collect them Sunday. They would love to see you too and I would really appreciate the break.”

If they want to see them and you want the help where’s the issue?

Just make sure you’re not offering it on their terms and make it work around you. If they continue to moan you can remind them of the times you’ve offered them to have their GC.

You think it's peculiar that parents and grandparents enjoy their children and grandchildren?

Are you quite ok? 😳

Given that you see enjoying children as them being a 'circus attraction', I'm going to assume you're not.