ILs wanting more GC visits

[Abbey192]

My ILs expect visits from GC but they don’t like to offer practical childcare support. I know they have no obligation to do so, but I find it frustrating that they want to enjoy only playing with GC, with no obligation to help me when I’m struggling. When I’ve suggested I need help in the past, they’ve said that they have other commitments and excuses are made. When I don’t visit enough I hear that they are upset that we’re not coming regularly. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed that they want to cherry pick all the good times with no support for these harder times.

They’ll be getting older themselves and I feel really resentful that they get to enjoy this time with no support for us when we really need it, yet I guarantee that if we don’t help them, again that would cause problems. Other family put pressure on us to help them/visit more and I also find that very frustrating.

Op, has what you or DH want from them been spelled out ?
Ie can you do x ya. Some people need clear direction.

If they have been asked then fine it's selfish

It seems to be a new development: this idea that grandparents should provide childcare if they want to build more-than-passing-acquaintance relationships with their grandchildren.

I’d just say you’re too busy. Everything take longer with DC in tow, and you don’t have time to go and sit at their house for a couple of hours when you could be getting stuff done.

I’d even point out that you don’t get much time to ‘enjoy the dc’, as you have jobs and chore to get done.

This is YOUR HUSBANDS parents you’re talking about. It is entirely up to him to sort out visits, help his parents, complain anbout it on dadsnet etc. if you don’t want to do any of it, don’t?
grandparents are supposed to just enjoy their grandchildren, it’s the parents job to do the care.

then your DH can take them if you are going to be so unreasonably transactional.

I know and a PP has actually suggested dumping the children overnight, if the GP want to see them.

Bloody hell.

Absolutely nothing wrong with them enjoying playing with their grandchildren. I also hate this sense of children being some sort of bargaining chip. Fair enough to expect them to make the effort to visit you rather than always expecting you to make the effort to go there. But other than that, why don’t you want them to just enjoy their relationship with their grandkids? You seem to want to attach conditions to it.

I'd still facilitate a relationship...i do this with my own useless MIL (for the kids not her...)

"Hey,
GC would love to see you - we are free
on x y and z (all dates where DH is home) you can pop over to ours anytime after 10am. If those dates dont work let DH know and you can arrange another day to visit us with him"

Then leave them to it and do something nice for the day or get some jobs done.

Bargaining isn't nice BUT having a non reciprocal relationship whereby you are expected to hand deliver your children to them is not nice either...
Dont withhold your kids but do ensure your DH is on the hook. It's his parents

agree with what a lot have said. Let your husband do it. Also stop helping them, give the exact excuse they give you. People can only make you feel bad if you let them. If they say anything just say I have a lot on with the kids and get no help so I don’t have the time of energy to help with …. Chosen task

They don't owe you childcare. Don't attach conditions to them seeing their GC, the GC are entitled to spend time with them.

Likewise you don't owe them anything. Now or in the future.

Its difficult if what they want is basically for you to bring the DC to them at a time of their choice. My in laws sometimes expect this and it can be quite difficult because its an hour each way. They'd like us to turn up for sunday lunch at theirs almost weekly, but we can't get there in time because of DS rugby training. If they would be willing to come to us (they are confident driving), we'd be delighted to host them, but they want us to visit on their terms.

However yabu if they just want to come at times that don't inconvenience you, but you only really want childcare.

YANBU. Why don't they make the effort to visit you if they are so keen to see their GC? Moaning to other family members isn't fair either.

There always seems to be a strange imbalance on MN that grandparents have absolutely no obligation to make an effort to get to know their grandchildren or feature in their lives unless they fancy doing so and that this is all the parents responsibility, despite the fact that most parents are generally far busier raising their DC and working. However, when the same grandparents, who made no effort when the young family needed support, are elderly, their children and grandchildren should support them. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. You reap what you sow when it comes to relationships and it would be entirely wrong of an elderly couple who have made no effort with their children's family for 25 years to suddenly expect support in their later years.

I think without knowing how far away they are and how frequently they expect visits it's hard to say who if anyone is being unreasonable.

Honestly, I'd leave it up to your DH to visit them and provide help and support as they age. They aren't your responsibility and they haven't helped or supported you since you have had children so there is no obligation there that you need to reciprocate.

This is what I'd be doing.

Agree, I'm not a fan of how some people only want their kids to see their grandparents in exchange for childcare.

That's not what @Abbey192 has said though is it. She sounds as if she is struggling and whenever she has asked for help from the grandparents, they have said no and made excuses. They then moan to other family members that their grandchildren are not brought to visit them enough. The grandchildren do no exist just to entertain their grandparents when the grandparents find it convenient. The onus is on the grandparents to get to know them and form a relationship. If they chose not to do this, they should't expect significant support when they are elderly, having made no effort to form relationships with the family or support them over the previous decades.

I think it’s really odd that as a grandparent who probably loves their adult child and grandchild they wouldn’t want to support them in small ways such as offering to look after DCG for a short time.

I am a GM, I still work and live 2 hours drive from my DS and DDIL, but will always help if I can when asked to babysit, take DGD out in the school holidays or go down to offer practical and emotional support when DS was in hospital, I didn’t stop caring just because my son became an adult.

but they are 2 separate things. Can OP ask someone else to mind the DCs? where is DH in all this?

I’d love to know who actually has the time to sit around for hours in their in laws or parents’ house to allow grandparents to see their grandchildren.

We are always so busy on the weekend that it’s just not feasible.

My parents understand our restrictions are are happy to have the children on their own for a day over the weekend, or for an overnight here or there.

Not one of us view this as childcare - I don’t need my parents to take my children. They actually want to spend time with them. And they have a great relationship as a result.

You get back exactly what you put into relationships.

It’s so, so odd to me that there are actually some grandparents out there who think they can have a good relationship with their grandchildren with zero effort put into said relationship on their part. It’s delusional.

Having never been 60 or 70, I have absolutely no idea how tired I will feel, how achey my body will be etc
what I do know, at 50, is that I have so so much less energy than I did when I was 30 or 40 and even the idea of running around a football pitch like I did in my twenties is exhausting.
So I’m inclined to think grandparents are kinda knackered and comparing how busy you, a generation younger, are compared to them, is both facile and irrelevant.
Expecting gps to offer something for you, a human at their peak, in return for allowing them the joy of their grandchildren is kinda abhorrent.

They already supported you by raising you. It’s pretty vile to imply that unless they also help rear YOUR kids, they don’t merit old-age support. They’ve paid their dues.

This x 10000

Well said, well said, well said!!!!

It's not their job to be childcare. You decided to have kids. It will benefit your kids to have a nice relationship with their grandparents but if you feel that the extra work of you facilitating that is more of a detriment that the benefit of the family relationships then don't bother. It's up to you.