ILs wanting more GC visits

[Abbey192]

My ILs expect visits from GC but they don’t like to offer practical childcare support. I know they have no obligation to do so, but I find it frustrating that they want to enjoy only playing with GC, with no obligation to help me when I’m struggling. When I’ve suggested I need help in the past, they’ve said that they have other commitments and excuses are made. When I don’t visit enough I hear that they are upset that we’re not coming regularly. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed that they want to cherry pick all the good times with no support for these harder times.

They’ll be getting older themselves and I feel really resentful that they get to enjoy this time with no support for us when we really need it, yet I guarantee that if we don’t help them, again that would cause problems. Other family put pressure on us to help them/visit more and I also find that very frustrating.

Yeah it’s a DH problem.

I also agree taking them is more work. I assume they won’t let them be dropped off whilst you go shopping/hairdressers?
MIL also complained she wanted to ‘see’ DC but not look after them in anyway, even in the house whilst we were there. Her house was full of ornaments and glass topped furniture at head height, so you had to follow them round every single second. Then she would tell you what a lovely break it had been for you.

Seriously? Cook meals, buy big ticket item, etc?

People who need this much assistance running their household should not be having kids; they are too incompetent.

Sitting down one’s parents to “gently” lecture them about how they aren’t fulfilling labour and financial “expectations” is batshit loco.

The people who chose to produce children are responsible for the care and expense.

It’s not that. It’s that on top of spending all week at your paid job, in between weekend swim lessons and class parties there’s a modern expectation that you spend whatever free time you’ve got at the grandparents so that they can “build a relationship” entirely on the GP’s terms.

I didn’t build a relationship with my GPs by sitting in their front room whilst my parents sat on the sofa trying to stop us from breaking precious ornaments. I remember our granny taking us to the movies in school holidays, or bringing over dinner for us, or taking us to the library to choose books.

I voted YABU but think truthfully more facts are needed.
You state that you really need help from your IL right now - was this something that was anticipated before dc were born, was there a discussion about expectation for support ? Do your IL work / have busy social lives? Have they literally NEVER helped or is this a case of a few times they’ve been unable to?

My ILs for example have busier social lives than us - they’re young, often at festivals / different cities for a weekend and have a few abroad holidays a year. They also both work 4 days a week. There have been times when I’ve asked for help and they’ve had other plans - and I cannot begrudge them that. On the other hand there have also been other times when they have been able to help out and I’ve been grateful for that. My biggest pet peeve is when GPs complain about not seeing their gc - especially as my IL live half an hour away and drive - I do get the frustration of feeling like adding that to the mental load along with everything else but I’ve just started saying to the ILs -“ you know where we are if you ever want to see dc just let us know” - then the ball is in their court really.

I do think both sets of my dc GPS had more difficult times bringing up me and my DH so I really want them to enjoy their life now. I also have made a group of friends from my dc nursery and we all help each other out plus one of the women from the nursery does babysit although it is expensive. I don’t think it’s reasonable to only depend on GPs for childcare but without knowing details I can’t say if the reasons they’ve not helped previously are fair or if they should have cancelled plans because of how much you needed them.

I also think your comment about them getting older and having to look after them is quite distasteful but I appreciate you’re probably quite stressed. Having recently lost 3 GPs across me and DH - I guarantee that if / when they do become frail / unwell a the last thing you will be thinking about is all the times they didn’t offer help when you needed it. It’s difficult to know if your expectations are unrealistic or haven’t been explained fully but ultimately as youce said yourself in your OP they don’t owe you any childcare - whilst that would be nice. Unless there has been a hospital admission or some other emergency I can’t see why you would begrudge them having other plans .

As others have suggested just ask your DH to deal with them if it annoys you or try and set a regular day eg 4th Sunday every month that they can see them. You mentioned that other people also put pressure on you to visit them - so maybe it’s just an overall feeling of overwhelm and you and your partner need to work out where your boundaries are rather than a specific issue with the ILs

Erm, they raised one of the adults. They shouldn’t need to rear yet another generation in order to “earn” old-age support.

Also, having kids is a voluntary lifestyle choice.

Aging is involuntary. People experiencing involuntary difficulties deserve more help than those who should have known what they were proactively signing up for.

I don't understand their attitude. I pay for DGC's swimming lessons and facilitate their lessons every week plus take them for overnights at weekends and do school pickups when i can. I therefore have a very close relationship with them all which is priceless

I don't understand GP's who just want the DGC brought to them for an hour or so, but not see them without their parents. How do you build a relationship with them?

It’s not your job to facilitate grandparents visits with your husbands family. That’s his job. If MIL messages you then you could say something like ‘sorry Margaret I’ve got too much on to bring the kids this week. You’re welcome to have them for a day/couple of hours while I get all my jobs done. If that doesn’t work for you message Dave and see if he has the time to bring them over’
They aren’t obligated to have them. But neither are you obligated to help them or facilitate visits with them. That’s your DH job

Except this post isn't about me.
Again, that's not what the OP is saying. She is saying thay she is struggling, however 'on peak' you might think should be. She also hasn't suggested that the GPs shouldn't enjoy any time with their children, merely that they make no effort, want the parents to make all the effort and then complain to other family members about how upset they are that the parents aren't doing enough. They really do sound very self centered and entitled.
Speak for yourself about being too exhausted to run around a football pitch at 50. Many, much older grandparents have a very active and enjoyable role in their GC's lives. Many of them, perhaps shockingly to you, enjoy this.

No, not really.

People in the thick of parenting are usually very busy and have a lot on. You don't have to help them if you don't want to, but you cannot expect them to make even more time in their busy schedule and miss out on the little free time they have with their kids to facilitate your relationship.

If you want to bond with your grandchildren, instead of making seeing you another chore to add to the list, make it lighten the load for their parents.

Obviously OP's MIL didn't raise OP. Also, although all parents have an obligation to raise their children to adulthood, there is no reciprocal obligation on their children's part to provide them with help and care in their old age.

Kind and helpful parents will often want to help with childcare for their grandchildren. I am late sixties and I and all my friends of a similar age have provided childcare for our grandchildren. I still don't expect my adult children to provide hand-on care if I need it in my old age. The close relationships that I have with my grandaughters are sufficient reward for the child care that I have provided.

I also think there is a strange attitude regarding grandkids and parents on MN. Certainly nothing i have come across in real life. Most of my friends, like me, have a very healthy relationship with their grandkids and spend lots of time with them, with and without the parents being present

Yes, they raised the adults, as you say, that was a voluntary life choice.

They didn't earn a thing. You don't owe your parents anything for raising you.

Building a relationship with someone actually involves spending time with them. And not only that, but actually wanting to spend time with them. And enjoying that time with them.

If grandparents want to have a relationship with their grandchildren, there clearly needs to be some kind effort put in on their part. As is the case for every single other relationship someone builds in their lifetime.. It’s not the parents’ job to be making that effort for them.

Framing spending time with your grandchildren as “childcare” is wild. And sad.

Most grandparents actually want to spend time with their grandchildren.

People have even less obligation to their friends as grandparents would do to their family, and yet we consider a key part of friendship is supporting the friend through tricky times. If you don’t “cherry pick” the good times with friends, why would it be okay when it comes to grandchildren?

Who is suggesting that the GPs rear the children? Why are you making things up?
Having children isn't 'a lifestyle choice'. What a stupid thing to say. How do you suppose the human race has survived over many thousands of years? Because people made a lifestyle choice? 😂Do you advocate that everyone simply stops having children? Who do you suppose will provide the necessary service and pay the necessary taxes to support all those poor folk who have 'involuntarily aged'.
Living into old age is a great privilege. Those who haven't taken the trouble to form relationships with their family do not suddenly deserve support when they are frail. It seems that many on MN don't understand what a mutually supportive and loving relationship is. How sad.

That's not at all what OP said, but I guess you actually know that and you're just being nasty

It's so odd and sad that so many posters on here seem to regard spending time with their own GC as some kind or horrible chore. In the real world, most seem to enjoy it!

Lol. The drama.

Expecting grandparents to put some kind of effort into their own relationship with their grandchildren isn’t expecting them to raise their grandchildren.

The two things aren’t even in any way comparable.

Absolutely batshit.

It's grossly hypocritical to say that a GP owes their child/GC nothing for making a 'lifestyle choice' but that they do deserve support later on because of a 'lifestyle choice' that they made decades earlier. I guess @CheeseIsMyIdol won't see it though!

They didn’t just make a lifestyle choice, they followed through and raised their daughters/sons to adulthood. Which in functional families merits respect and care.
They don’t have to put in work for yet another generation to earn respect.

I'm not sure how this is a problem for you. They don't want to help out with childcare? Disappointing but fair enough. They want to see the children more? That's between them and your partner.

I would have thought you'd be glad for grandparents to play with your children, it gives you time to do what you need and/or want to do without having the children requiring your attention. I'd have jumped at the chance!

It works both ways then doesn't it. The OP and her husband are doing just the same thing in raising their family. How do you know how much support the MIL herself had when she was raising a family? Certainly, it is the case that more women work now and that families are far more stretched to afford essential housing. However, regardless of the details, simply raising a family, does not automatically command respect. That is just normal parenting for those who choose to have children. For all we know, they may have been neglectful or selfish parents too, which would fit with the way they are behaving now.

I used to take mine over once a month on Sunday mornings. When I had two children, I asked my husband to take them while I cooked the roast dinner. Now they are teens and don't like visiting them, husband goes alone. When grandparents don't bond with grandchildren, the teenagers naturally push them away. They start to value weekends and their time is precious to them. Preferring to spend it with mates and immediate family.

The difference from the past is that lives are much busier now often through necessity. There are fewer households that have a non working outside the home parent and both parents usually work long hours and need some time when away from work to catch up on chores, help with homework and just sit down! There isnt always the time to spend every weekend driving to grandparents and spending substantial parts of the day there.

Good grandparents appreciate this and try to share the burden a little while seeing family.