ILs wanting more GC visits

[Abbey192]

My ILs expect visits from GC but they don’t like to offer practical childcare support. I know they have no obligation to do so, but I find it frustrating that they want to enjoy only playing with GC, with no obligation to help me when I’m struggling. When I’ve suggested I need help in the past, they’ve said that they have other commitments and excuses are made. When I don’t visit enough I hear that they are upset that we’re not coming regularly. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed that they want to cherry pick all the good times with no support for these harder times.

They’ll be getting older themselves and I feel really resentful that they get to enjoy this time with no support for us when we really need it, yet I guarantee that if we don’t help them, again that would cause problems. Other family put pressure on us to help them/visit more and I also find that very frustrating.

Our DC have both sets of grandparents living close by and both sets are fully retired.

PILs were very clear when we announced our first pregnancy that they were not willing to provide any sort of childcare as they had done their time. They have only ever seen the (now school aged) DCs of a weekend when we take them to their house, we only make it there maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I once asked MIL if she'd like to come to the farm with us and she told me that that was the day she planned on washing her hair!!!

My parents havent done formal "childcare" in terms of work etc but they have baby sat or invited the children round to theirs for tea after school, had sleepovers, had them when poorly etc. As a result they rarely go more than 2 weeks without seeing the kids, because they put the effort in.

MIL gripes constantly to DH and family about how rarely she sees the kids compared to my parents. She is very hurt that their relationship is so much closer to my parents. I think this is a natural consequence of her choices and don't lose any sleep over it.

No-one is obligated to do anything in life but you're disillusioned if people think that the choices they make dont have a real world impact and consequence.

MIL gripes constantly to DH and family about how rarely she sees the kids compared to my parents. She is very hurt that their relationship is so much closer to my parents.

Her lack of awareness of the situation and her part in it is absolutely shocking, but not unsurprising.

I didn’t really have GP growing up but lots of my friends did, went for sleepovers and they babysat them. I don’t know when it became childcare. It was just normal.
DH often went to his GM when his parents needed a babysitter as there wasn’t anyone else.

My MIL was also very hands off. More so with ours because of distance. But she did very little care of GC. SILs parents would step in and MIL was jealous as they were close and sfill are as adults now. She was very much of the opinion that GC should just adore you because of the family connection but that means nothing to small children!

Oh well, you are OK then!

Equally the in laws shouldn’t sit on their arses expecting to hold court.

They can take their DHC out and have fun with them.

It was obvious from the OP that the DGPs are selfish.

Why on earth would you want people who caused trauma via harsh treatment of children to look after your kids?!?

It was but there was no mention of them being abusive.

Hear hear.

Whenever a thread like this comes up, there are always posters seething with bitterness already to bang on about "free childcare".

My parents live 200m away and they used to only visit once a year (the only time they'd see my adult brother, I'd them visit 3-4 times). Now I have my son they come down 3-4 times because apparently he is worth the trip.

My in laws live closer, and frankly MIL was desperate to babysit and desperate to give free childcare (to the point she would suggest wildly impractical things, like her being the first point of contact for nursery - we're a 10m walk away, she's 45m drive in good traffic!). She's only calmed down since she's done regular childcare.

They all love spending time with him, and see it as no trouble at all to look after him for anything from 10m to 10h.

And he's bloody gorgeous? He's great fun! It's rather cold and sad that some people seem to hate the idea of alone time looking after their grandkids for a bloody hour whilst their own kids get something done.

These issues are from DHs childhood and seem to have got better with time. But clearly I’m uncomfortable with their approach and the lack of support. DCs still see them but not very often. They are loving to my children but do want visits and they aren’t very considerate of me. I do find this difficult because I don’t want to come in the way of a relationship with their Grandchildren, but it’s also difficult where they don’t consider what I may need help with. Maybe that’s unreasonable of me but i find it frustrating.

Exactly. You reap what you sow in most relationships.

Presumably these issues have got better because he's an adult now and has his own life, but if my DP had 'trauma' as a result of 'harsh treatment' from his parents growing up (these are all words you used - plus 'neglectful') I certainly wouldn't be comfortable leaving my child alone with them.

Whenever a thread like this comes up, there are always posters seething with bitterness already to bang on about "free childcare"

Because in most cases on MN, such threads are about not getting time or money from GPs. Like this one.

I'm sorry to read this. Given this, and I mean this kindly, I think you are a little naive to expect any support or help from such people. Some people are poor parents and become lovely, caring grandparents but it doesn't sound as if this applies to your in laws, unfortunately. Don't expect anything from them and then you won't be disappointed. Equally, you and your DH need not feel in the slightes bit guilty about concentrating on what is best for the two of you and your children without regard for these grandparents. They don't deserve a close relationship with their family.

They are very loving and doting of my children. I appreciate they brought their own children up and that they are older, but they are fit and well, so could help from time to time. But people commenting have made good points, and perhaps it is better for me to juggle these difficulties myself, as their attitude and their adult children’s view of them is a red flag and I must consider that carefully. I’d rather be exhausted with my kids than allow them to be exposed to poor behaviours from family. I think they just have their own priorities (mainly holidays and gardening), which is fair enough.

Agree. Do your parents offer childcare?

OP, it is not unreasonable to suit yourself and visit only when you can.
It is on your husband primarily to facilitate visits and their future care if required.
It is not on you.
Nip any expectations in the bud now.
It is utterly thankless.

You and your H need to decide if you want your DC to have a relationship with their GPs. Weighing up the fact they have a history of harsh parenting and any fear you have they will repeat this with your DC, against the fact they are kind and loving now. You need to make the decision that's in your DCs interests. Because that's your job. Your DC are not rewards you dish out to people who help you, they are people in their own right, relying on you to facilitate their relationships with others who may bring benefit to their lives, and to avoid those who may harm them. That's the only consideration you should have with regards to who they get to see.

I agree with you. Difficult one to weigh up. They seem very different with GC than they were with their own kids. I suppose that grandparent contact is important and obviously I’d want to encourage that where I can. But where there are past issues and no repair from those, or apologies or acknowledgments from them, it does make it difficult for me to know where I stand with it all.

Sorry I dont believe that you can cherry pick as grandparents but as ours live with us maybe i am biassed

Since starting this thread, I’ve been thinking about others views and where I really stand with it. I do think that their history of treating their children harshly does massively affect how I feel about them now. I also do feel like their attitude towards me is unhealthy and I don’t like the idea of my kids seeing that. I think they deserve no more than low contact. Limited time there for Christmas and then a few other days of the year.

@Abbey192

I’m not trying to minimise his experience but we were all parented differently to how we parent our children now. Guidelines have changed, the world has moved on, our social context is so different.

My parents were very strict and occasiaonlly unfair and harsh with us-but I also grew up feeling loved and safe. I think attitudes towards parenting especially from fathers has massively changed over the past 20-30 years.

You mention the word trauma - if your DH seriously thinks he’s carrying this perhaps he needs to get professional help to discuss this and then consider explaining this to his parents. You mentioned that when he has previously explained this to his parents they mentioned all the other things they gave him like holidays etc - which obviosuly doesn’t make up for feeling neglected - but doesn’t that just show that that’s what they thought being a good parent was.

They can’t go back and change it. But they can definitely acknowledge and apologise if it is properly brought up - not in a fleeting way but in a proper - “can we sit down and talk about this - this has really been upsetting me and is making me feel concerned about you spending time with the gc” way. Then perhaps part of the conversation can be that parenting is really difficult with everyone working so much to do and you would really appreciate some help from them when you need it. It’s difficult to get the dc to them when you’ve got plans etc - can they be more flexible in their approach to seeing their dgc

No doubt there will be things we’re doing now that we think is for the best interest of our children that we will be told in15-20-30 years has been damaging in some way. No parent I think truly brings children into the world to try and harm them. Obviously only you and DH know the extent of what has happened in the past but it feels a bit harsh to go low contact with them for something they can’t change now. Especially when you started the thread saying you wanted more support from them. I would think that if you were truly worried about them with your dgc you wouldn’t have been wanting to your dgc to spend time with them?

You’ve also mentioned their attitude towards you isn’t healthy - can you elaborate ? Obviously you want your children to see good role modelling - again is this behaviour you could / have tried to correct ? I thjnk families are so so difficult and can be challenging - I would just hate for a member of my family to go low or no contact with me without ever fully explaining what I had done wrong or giving me the chance to correct / change my behaviour. Obviosuly if there is blatant abuse then that’s different

I think that's the right decision. They are pretty dismal and selfish grandparents but they were actually quite abusive parents so there are no happy memories for your DH to hold onto and no reservoir of good will built up throughout his childhood that would make him more tolerant of their lack of practical support.