ILs wanting more GC visits

[Abbey192]

My ILs expect visits from GC but they don’t like to offer practical childcare support. I know they have no obligation to do so, but I find it frustrating that they want to enjoy only playing with GC, with no obligation to help me when I’m struggling. When I’ve suggested I need help in the past, they’ve said that they have other commitments and excuses are made. When I don’t visit enough I hear that they are upset that we’re not coming regularly. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed that they want to cherry pick all the good times with no support for these harder times.

They’ll be getting older themselves and I feel really resentful that they get to enjoy this time with no support for us when we really need it, yet I guarantee that if we don’t help them, again that would cause problems. Other family put pressure on us to help them/visit more and I also find that very frustrating.

If everyone pays for the care and help they need, we all know where we stand and no one ends up doing anything they don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want to provide regular childcare ‘help’. I also wouldn’t want to be committed to elder care, that’s what savings are for.

They don't owe you childcare and you don't owe them visits.
If it doesn't suit you, then don't go.
Simply say we ate busy and we will see you is and when we can.
Don't engage further.
Also they are not your parents so you don't owe them elder care.
Thats on your husband to sort out.

Is your husband a bully that you feel under so much pressure?
Tell him he is responsible for bringing them for a visit and take some time for yourself.

No, they're not owed anything.

If everyone does only what they are legally responsible for doing, the parents spend their children's childhood rushed off their feet and stressed with no-one to fall back on if childcare falls though.

The grandparents die alone and miserable in a care home and don't even know their grandchildren.

Or alternatively, you can love and support your adult children and help them and enjoy time with your GC because you want to, not because you are obliged to, and the chances are they will also want to spend time with you and help you in your old age.

What you want is to do exactly what you were legally obliged to do, then leave them to fend for themselves whilst you enjoy yourself and your good health regardless of how much they are struggling, and then expect that loving relationship to magically appear when you're old and need help.

Sorry, but if you're selfish enough to watch your kids suffer they'll learn from your example.

Don't look after them when they are old and infirm. I wouldn't want to be looked after someone as begrudging as you and I'm sure they wouldn't either

Don't look after them when they are old and infirm. I wouldn't want to be looked after someone as begrudging as you and I'm sure they wouldn't either

Don't look after them when they are old and infirm. I wouldn't want to be looked after someone as begrudging as you and I'm sure they wouldn't either

I agree. In the not too distant past Grandparents used to be just that. They were (generally) fun and kindly people that you visited now and then, and maybe came away with a naughty bag of sweets or some extra pocket money. Now they're expected to actually be responsible for their grandchildren, almost as if they chose to give birth to them. If they don't provide free childcare, housework, hot meals, school runs etc they're threatened with low or no contact. Or at least spoken about as though they're selfish freaks.

You’ve likened grandparents spending time with their grandchildren as “rearing” them and being a “skivvy”.

You are now saying that grandparents owe their children nothing in relation to their grandchildren.

You are missing the point. It’s not about being “owed” anything, most normal grandparents actually want to spend time with their grandchildren.

I find your posts quite sad to be honest.

That's not how I remember it.

My grandparents were barely involved in my life and never helped my parents, I had little to no relationship with them.

My friends who have really good relationships with their grandparents all had sleepovers with them, spent time in school holidays there, got taken on days out by them etc..

Grandparents used to do a lot more.

Sadly this is so true

In the not too distant past…in a Dicken’s novel?

This is absolute bullshit.

Not my experience of my grandparents, or any of my friends’ experiences of their grandparents either.

I would say if they're entitled to decline childcare help when you need it, you are also entitled to decline social visits that don't work for you/demand too much of you.

I can see why you would start to resent their lack of "support" because it sounds like they expect you to prioritise what they need (frequent social visits with grandchildren), yet it feels that they aren't prioritising what you need (childcare support when you need it).

I mean how often do the children see them? Its good to encourage relationships with grandparents and I think it's nice if my in laws see my children once a week because they live close but if I'm busy and overworked I don't feel guilty about them seeing them less than this and if they ask to see them more than once a week, I tell my husband he needs to facilitate it because I know more than once a week is too demanding for me.

Spot on. And grandparents were respected, not talked about with vitriol if they didn’t provide free childcare and money to fund things the children’s parents should have budgeted for.

No one else has really picked up on this, that they may have been selfish or neglectful to their own children who are now adults. In fact, they have been, and their children do have trauma from harsh treatment when they were kids. They had some money and decent holidays, but the relationships in the house were strained because of marital issues. Father was strict and old fashioned. When DH brings this up, he’s told that they feel upset that he doesn’t recognise all the things they did give him (basically referring to all the holidays, toys/material things).

I also want to clear up with a few people that have commented that I’m not stopping contact between GC and ILs. That’s not the case. I’m just frustrated by the lack of support when I’m clearly needing it and have asked.

A lot more than what? All my grandparent friends look after their grandkids at least three days a week (free of charge) and are up at the crack of dawn defrosting the car to do the school run.

You’re just going around in circles now. I never invoked “legal” obligations; you did.

Threatening old people (who already raised their children) with future lack of care when they become vulnerable, because they declined to be free childminders for people who freely entered into parenthood, is vile.

Yeah, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s completely valid to feel frustrated when they want all the enjoyable moments with GC but aren’t willing to help during the tougher times, especially if their “help” is inconsistent or comes with excuses.

If your husband and his siblings have trauma from harsh treatment and neglect when they were children, why on earth would you even contemplate allowing your PIL to do childcare even if they were willing? Surely you wouldn't want to take the risk in any case?

No one else has really picked up on this, that they may have been selfish or neglectful to their own children who are now adults.

Possibly because it wasn't in the OP and people aren't mind readers.

Indeed. It's also fairly reasonable for people to assume that the PIL weren't neglectful or abusive in light of the fact that the OP appears to want them to care for her own children sometimes.

No one else has really picked up on this, that they may have been selfish or neglectful to their own children who are now adults. In fact, they have been, and their children do have trauma from harsh treatment when they were kids.

Why on earth would you want them to provide childcare for your DC knowing this?

Totally agree - it sounds quite transactional. Also, they may have medical conditions of which the OP is unaware that would prevent them offering childcare.

Exactly. If we had been told they were abusive / neglectful to the point of causing lasting trauma, this would have been a different conversation. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anyway, OP has now confirmed that her in-laws were unkind and neglectful parents to her DH, so her PIL's expectations of regular visits so they can see their grandchild but not make any effort themselves are entirely misplaced.

Just say sorry “I have too much on my plate. You will need to ask H if he is able to ferry DC. Failing that, you can drive over & while you're here I can go to important Dr appointment (other)”