DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

If he really does dislike her and it clearly shows to her and your other DC, and he’s not worked on and changed his thoughts, feelings behaviour, which seems to be the case, that’d be a reason to end the marriage.

Wow, I can’t believe how unpleasant people are being about your daughter. She sounds like an absolutely excellent character

I firmly believe that our role as parents is to love unconditionally and allow our children to be themselves in our presence, if they can’t do it with us, they won’t learn to expect it from other people and will never find their tribe. That does not mean never offering feedback or guidance, but it really doesn’t sound like your daughter is doing anything untoward that needs to be corrected and if she was, your husbands approach is still bullshit anyway.

He is being constantly negative and critical of her and you are right that it’s a concern. He needs to do some work in himself and I’d be telling him and her that so she doesn’t internalise his issues as her own.

Her peers will tell her if she is annoying, either directly or through ostracism, neither of those things are happening. If her father wants her to be more succinct, he can express that to her in a loving way, but he’s not doing that, my son does have ADHD, and will talk like this going off round the houses, I’m currently having cancer treatment and I cannot follow what he’s saying anymore, so I just smile, hold my hand up and say babe, can you give me the headlines because I can’t follow this. He is learning to do that. You don’t have to be horrible about it.

I just want to say a huge bravo to you for being a lovely mum and your daughter for being such a corker.

And you don’t think dd will notice her own father’s ’silent disintrersr’? You don’t think it will hurt or confuse her? It’s an absolutely vile way to behave towards anyone.

He could have just said he didn’t have time to see the video, and ask her how her day has been, it’s not hard.

Of course it’s annoying you if she is actually getting up in your face and talking through it. That’s not what DD is doing, she sent a video we could or could not watch at our leisure, which DS was replying to so if it did contain something urgent would have been picked up on.
She is perfectly capable of sitting still to watch a film, she channels all her energy productively into sports, or being active whilst in her own room where it doesn’t impact us.

Gosh I’m starting to feel like people are projecting here rather than reading what I’m actually saying.

I have 2. Neither of them were like this as teens. Both were quite hard work as teens in that they challenged absolutely everything. Now they are absolutely delightful adults.

I know right! Theres some pure nastiness on here. I feel sorry for their kids.

They are definitely projecting, and I’m sorry op but no one likes a winner. No one seems to be able to be happy for anyone else. Please focus on the more positive, supportive messages - you are only responding to negative posts.

You have responses that say your daughter sounds wonderful a others that say she would annoyed them

Thats it in a nutshell. Looks like the law of averages is also in your house

OP's daughter is already delightful. She doesn't need to change. Her DH, on the other hand, is a misanthropic, self-centred arsehole who doesn't love his own daughter because she isn't exactly like him. He is actively cruel. I hope OP leaves him.

I'm sorry but she sounds like she's got the main character syndrome and you are not being helful @GugiGi . I even told my DS12 to not send multiple videos of rambling because it's annoying. I love him more than life and while I personally don't mind watching him I know how it makes him look and I want him to be aware about it. It's not doing your DD any favours if she thinks that everyone is intetested in looking at videos of her rambling about pigeons etc. I would have asked my ds if he was on drugs.
Also if one of my ds is super excited all over the place I tell them to go to their rooms jumping around because it's annoying. You seem to think everything she does is great while what you are describing would be annoying and narcissistic behaviour to others.

I agree,her dh is a total killjoy

"and I call DD our if she is being actually annoying"

But "annoying" is subjective OP. Different things are annoying to different people. On this occasion she was being actually annoying to your DH (and as the thread shows, would be to some other people too). Why is it OK for you to call her out if you think she's being annoying but never ok for your DH to do the same?

Don't get me wrong as I said previously I think there's clearly an issue in your DH's relationship with her, but your own response to this isn't helping in that it continues the cycle.

For your DD's sake I think you and your DH do need to sit down with a counsellor and discuss this, so you can get out of this cycle.

OP’s already said dd is far more interested and caring than her other dc, so how does that fit with. ‘Narcissistic’ syndrome? You are just being spiteful.

“Love unconditionally” always worries me because it encompasses any behaviour your DC may exhibit. Should a mother unconditionally love her son if he’s violent against her? In the last 15 years, 170 mothers were killed by their sons.
Should a parent unconditionally love a child who turns out to be a rapist? Yes, these are extremes but they do exist.

You need to talk to him about why he doesn't like being challenged by DD1, and why he has her so firmly in one box. It does sound as if she is very bright and he somehow views that as challenging his authority. Most intelligent parents with an interest in history would have welcomed that debate on the Nuremberg trials and found it a really interesting discussion, and wouldn't shut it down so aggressively.

Blimey, that’s a bit extreme!

They're totally different personality types and sometimes her dad can't cope with her vibrancy (this word appears constantly and could easily be substituted for something more negative). He was wrong to be unpleasant about her and I'd certainly have that discussion - he is very much the adult here and needs to show love and understanding to someone he brought into the world but....it may work better if he takes some space from her now and then in order to recharge. Has he got a shed?

It sounds like your husband would benefit from reading Surrounded By Idiots. It breaks people down into 4 ‘colour’ personalities. Each colour has very different communication styles and sometimes the other colours struggle to understand them.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Surrounded-Idiots-Behaviour-Effectively-Communicate/dp/1785046209/ref=asc_df_1785046209?mcid=d52d2bf039c93aeeaaf8136a9a01a93b&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=4995922363793140372-1785046209-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4995922363793140372&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045774&hvtargid=pla-2281435176938&psc=1&gad_source=1

Your daughter sounds predominantly yellow:

Optimism, enthusiasm, communication, spontaneous actions and decisions.
Seeks esteem and recognition, likes to work in groups.
Creativity, tendency to dream, talent for persuasion and sense of improvisation.
Different levels of yellow in a profile:

People with a lot of yellow in their behaviour style are often sociable and communicative. On the colour compass, yellow perceives the environment in a favourable/sociable way and is extraversion/action oriented.

A yellow person will be described by others as enthusiastic and sociable. Always looking for human contact, they like to collaborate and interact.

Yellow in a few words

Optimistic - Enthusiastic - Communicative - Spontaneous - Creative - Persuasive - Dreamer - Inspirational - Friendly - Demonstrative - Enthusiastic - Assertive - Expansive

To communicate well with a yellow personality you need to :

• Be relational, warm and enthusiastic, share the fun and let it show.
• Be creative and informal, show the person that you (really) like them
• Enter their network of influence.

And your husband is perhaps blue and/ or green. Here is blue for reference:

The deep sea, the blue of work, the signs of the bond road, the ice...

Blue is the colour of the sky, of infinite space and the depth of the sea, which questions our origins and leads us to inner reflection, to questioning and to the search for information. The colour blue symbolises knowledge, respect for the laws (road signs of obligation).

Symbolised by the rigour of a square or frame, the blue component describes the way in which a person conforms and reacts to the rules and procedures laid down by others. This behaviour is the result of a reflective orientation in a perceived hostile environment.

The main characteristics for a blue dominant personality are:

• Search for facts and logical explanations.
• Careful actions and decision making, organisation, structure and detail.
• Analytical and task-oriented focus, working alone with great precision.

Different levels of blue in a profile :

People with a lot of blue in their behavioural style perceive the environment in a hostile way, and are oriented towards introversion/reflection.

A dominant blue person will be described by others as factual, logical, organised, organising, structuring and controlling.

Blue in a few words

Precise - Perfectionist - Demanding - Exact - Cautious - Orderly - Conventional - Factual - Analytical - Distant - Structured - Distant - Realistic

To communicate well with a blue personality you need to :

• Be precise, factual and structured.
• Prepare interviews in advance.
• Introduce the subject, the context and validate the time needed.
• Take time for details.
• Don't rush and be distant without touching the person.
• Do not try to warm up the atmosphere.

So it’s not a fault with either of them. They just need to realise they both communicate in very different ways and perhaps needs to adjust a bit for each other.

Yes they should. That’s what unconditional love means

She sounds lovely but def exhausting with all that she does and says and really surprised the private diagnosis said she didn’t have adhd

dh sounds a bit of a knob esp over the tennis shoes - what harm is saying get blue white pink - rather than his remark about tennis

sounds like he favours the other two and she is middle child syndrome

I think she sounds great! There are so many posters on MN who bemoan their apathetic teenagers, and here we have a young woman with bags of get-up-and-go, and that's wrong too.

I can see she might be tiring to live with - sometimes you just want to relax and not really think about anything, and if someone is constantly wanting your interaction, that can become an irritation. But OP's DH is the experienced adult here - he needs to realise that's the way his daughter is and embrace it. She won't always be living at home, and she'll probably calm down a bit as she gets older, especially if she finds herself in a demanding, mentally tiring job.

I think I would have coped much better with his latest jab at DD if he ever said anything nice about her, but I genuinely can’t remember the last time he said something nice about her.
He is always saying “gosh isn’t DS just so intelligent, isn’t DD2s latest art just so lovely she’s so talented”. But even DD1s well done for her GCSE results was laced with “didn’t think you would pass”.

Its fine for him to sometimes think she is annoying as she sometimes is, but I also think he needs to sometimes appreciate her qualities.

It’s also amazing me how many people here have decided to load on and actually be cruel. Narcissistic someone said! DD is currently sat at the table asking DS in depth about what he is doing at uni right now, and DS is clearly loving sharing his interests with her.

I am sorry to say it might just be plain misogyny op.

If she sat quietly in the corner, and didn’t speak I’m sure he would be delighted. She is expressive, vibrant and loving her life - and he would prefer she was meek, quiet and only speaks when spoken to, and only then to prop his ego and his interests. Sheesh.

Seems like a lovely girl who brings energy to the family, she is more likely hyperactive though.

I think my neighbour who is older is hyperactive and very intelligent too and has a top very well paid job as a banker. As these people have so much energy, if used properly can be great.

I agree!

She fits the definition of a “pick me girl”. She sounds absolutely insufferable and it sounds like she needs to work on her social skills.

She absolutely needs to tone it down.