DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I think the same. And the potential harm from making teenage girls feel 'wrong' for being the way they are is huge. He can make it clear he needs some quiet and space sometimes, but he should be so so grateful she's happy- surely that's the main thing we want for our children.

I’d have a blunt word with your husband OP. It sounds like he bonded separately with ds & dd2 & missed out Dd1. Okay he’s not sporty, doesn’t mean he can’t take an interest. And she’s only 16, she’s still young - some encouragement from her father would be nice.

can you speed up videos on WhatsApp? That’s what I do with friends who leave long voice notes.

It seems poor parenting by DH to only engage with DD1 on things that interest him. If the balance of how he speaks to and what he says about her is negative would be speaking to him seriously about that.

Talking on the phone whilst walking isn’t a good idea for her safety.

I would get find it annoying receiving lengthy (4 mins is lengthy) broadcasts by voicenote or video and don’t encourage it from my DC (gen X bias may be showing!)

I am talkative and one of my DC is and prattles and repeats themself a lot, which DH and I listen to, but wonder if that’s done DC a disservice because most others won’t! & it reinforces the behaviour.

Slightly off topic but she sounds wonderful and very like my daughter. She only received her ADHD diagnosis when she hit late teens as she'd spent ages trying to conform in her younger years. I would maybe revisit the diagnosis with the provider and ask if they considered masking or if they're using the right diagnostic tools for girls ADHD in Girls: Ignored Symptoms in Females https://share.google/7GEh1M28qi2NFyxSz Oh and tell your DH to take a look at his own annoying habits before trying to dampen your daughter's light.

PSA to everyone: You can play voice notes at 1.5 or double speed

Give that ND runs in families if the DD is ND there is a fair chance her father is to and the signs are there in some of his behaviours. So does her ND somehow trump his?

To me it sounds like an extrovert and an introvert trying to rub along together in the same house which won't always be easy.

I think, if you had started your post with these examples, you might have had very different responses. He sounds incredibly narrowminded, and unable to show a generosity of spirit or warmth towards your daughter. Furthermore, it seems at best very mean, and at worst very toxic to be playing people off against each other in this way. I would find it to be nasty and damaging behaviour, and would find it incredibly hard to tolerate. Presumably all of your children will be picking up on his dislike of your daughter, which is not good for any of them.

Mad that having energy and being a bit chatty with a tendency to go on is immediately pathologised as ADHD.

phones and screen obsession has completely changed the way we think humans should be.

I can’t imagine a world where my children and step children when they lived at home would be contacting us with videos instead of talking to our faces, so yes I would find her incredibly annoying.

So it’s fine for you to tell her she’s annoying but not your DH?
TBH, she sounds exhausting. I’d find her annoying in the morning as I like a peaceful start to my day. If she’s sending videos or expecting to face time family on her way home, maybe DH is ignoring them because he’s busy at work. You were busy in the shower. People can’t just drop everything.
Do you realise you’ve hardly said anything about your other two DC?

She just sounds highly intelligent and exuberant to me! Not everyone needs a label because they have the audacity to be happy and authentic!

Hate to ask this OP, but has she had any trauma in early life? Trauma can have effects that mimic ADHD symptoms. A child psychologist told me that this can happen when a child is constantly on edge/in fight or flight mode around a parent, because it releases a certain stress hormone that, when released consistently, can have permanent effects on the brain.

I don’t think she expected anyone to actually answer if they were busy, do you never call someone to see if they are free then if they don’t answer send a text instead? I do that with my children and parents often! It’s also a well known safety tip for young girls if they are walking home in the dark to call someone.

I think there is a difference between telling someone a particular behaviour or action is annoying and consistently calling their entire personality annoying with no compliment.

Why would I have mentioned my other children when this post is about DD1?

Hate to say it but she does sound annoying!

But then again if she sent loads of videos to the chat I’d just ignore them. I would t feel the need to spend 4 minutes if my life watching 4 inane videos and then comment effectively.

id suggest he goes silently uninterested (it’s a life skill to learn not everyone shares your enthusiasm) rather than actively be unkind to her though.

OP’s post is about her DH and his seeming dislike and different treatment of their DC2 @Soontobe60 Understandable her posts focus on that and the behaviours of DC2. Your comment seems mean: what are you implying?

Silently disinterested? Jesus Christ that sounds abusive. You are getting terrible advice here op suggesting such poor parenting.

For some reason these threads always create jealousy. Most people would give their right arm for a highly intelligent, engaged, genuinely happy teenager.

It’s really NOT a ‘well known safety tip’ to call someone: quite the opposite!

Honestly, he is a grown man with nearly adult children and he is behaving like a mean girl towards DD1. He is annoyed by imaginary things that she might be doing, even though he can't see or hear her doing anything. He is just imagining her doing them and getting cross with her. It's as though he has got the 'ick' for his own daughter.

It would definitely make me get the 'ick' for him and I would be considering splitting up with him. His behaviour is toxic and unfair.

Your dh needs to accept your dd as she is and stop putting her down. Yes they are not very compatible personality types, but he is the adult and parent here. He needs to grow up himself and realise that his attitude is horrible. He didn't actually have to watch all her videos if he didn't want to - it sounds almost as though he watched them to give him more ammunition/proof of how 'annoying' your dd is. The fact that he still put her down when she was trying to talk to him about history speaks volumes. Tbh it sounds as though she's brighter, more positive, more engaged with the world around her and has more personality than him and he's threatened by it.

I do get that some find people who are always 'on' exhausting and irritating, but life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. Someone with your dd's energy will probably go far in life. It's probably fairly rare to maintain it into adult life anyway, and the idea that a parent wants to squash that spirit before she even leaves school is very sad.

Why’s it’s abusive.

get a grip.

nit responding to a video on a what’s app rather than responding to tell someone they are annoying is far better.

Not responding just means you could be busy (like the OP who was in the shower) and it’s a life lesson to learn that other people have lives outside of listening to you and responding to your inane videos all the time.

FGS, the point of the thread is not "Would you find my daughter annoying?" It's - "Is my DH in the wrong to be unremittingly mean, negative and critical of my daughter?"

It doesn't matter whether you, personally, would be annoyed by her. You don't have to live with her. The OP and her DH do, and I don't think his behaviour is remotely justifiable.

She sounds amazing and he REALLY needs to realise how lucky he is that he has a fabulous healthy daughter.

How does he not see that?

I'd find it slightly annoying as well 😳 I never watch the constant videos sent in our group chat, I'm just not that interested (although it would probably be different if it was my own child!)

My DD2 sounds similar to yours (although a lot younger) She never stops moving and fidgeting, can't sit still to watch a film or if she does there's a constant running commentary, hugging me, kissing me, moving around. I love her to death but yes, sometimes it's extremely annoying and I just need to tell her to stop.

Edited to add I just read your updates about him constantly complaining about her, that isn't ok. Is he really negative about other things in his life? I would find that more exhausting than anything your DD does.

DH has made many comments about DD over the years such as, “it annoys me when she is in her room and I knows she’s pacing even if I can’t see or hear it, just thinking about it annoys me”, “god knows how she did well in her GCSEs, I was expecting her to fail as she does all her studying standing up
Neither of these comments are problematic. He’s just stating his opinion to you. It would annoy plenty of parents if their Dc was pacing their room at night - we would want them to be settled in bed asleep. Similarly with the studying. He quite understandably thought she couldn’t be revising properly as likely he did or your DS did so was surprised When she did well. No doubt when she comes to A level revision he’ll be a bit more reassured that her methods of revision will work.

Classic Mumsnet. Loads of posters lining up to put the boot in to a 16 year old girl while making excuses for a grown man who is being actively mean and unpleasant to the daughter that he is supposed to nurture and love.

I despair, I really do. All kids are annoying sometimes but don't let your husband and randoms on here pathologise your lovely daughter. You do need to read the riot act to your 'D' H though before he crushes her spirit completely.