DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Your teens are both up at 8am on a Sunday @GugiGi

I am stunned how many people are implying that DD needs to alter herself to be acceptable to her father. What century is this?!

She sounds lovely and he sounds like a selfish and sneering.

She will know what he thinks of her. - or at least feel it. If they were siblings, I would be more sympathetic to the suggestion that they both need to understand how each other works, etc.

But he is her DAD! There to love and nurture, not to be entertained the way he feels best suits him. He also just sounds mean, putting her down and favouring her siblings over her.

Reframe it. She’s not ‘too much’, he is, in his role as dad, simply ‘not enough’.

She will vote with her feet eventually. You keep on loving her and sharing joy with her and protect your own relationship with her, not allowing yourself to damage your own bond by handwringing and negotiating with another difficult and selfish man.

When you speak of your children, your joy and pride shines through. It’s lovely to read. Keep it up x

Perfect answer. You read my mind @Frozensun

Your DD sounds lovely. I don’t see why the videos are an issue. He doesn’t have to watch them. My step-son sends me and his dad political stuff. I just ignore and delete it all.

When your husband starts listing all DD1's faults (even the imaginary ones), you should do the same for him. I'm sure your list will be much longer. 'Being a cruel and unloving father to DD1' should be top of your list.

If an unrelated adult, such as a teacher, behaved like this towards your DD, you would put in a formal complaint. She is living with this behaviour every single day. Once she leaves home for University, she may decide not to come back.

She sounds too full on to me. Not very relaxing. I know 2 women who NEVER stop talking, and digress onto other stuff. Can only manage them in short bursts and they’re both single (they would like boyfriends). My DH said they’re too full on for men.

Your “vibrant” is another persons complete irritation.

DH and my 12 year old are still in bed. DD woke up at 5:30 to do a work out and she and DS are planning to go on a run together before going for lunch!

Wow sone of the posters on this thread are absolute dickheads who do not deserve to have children.

Kids are annoying, yes. Do you act like they are or tell them they are, no! Do you teach them better ways, yes!

YOU are the parents,the adults, fucking act like it.

She sounds like a wonderful girl! I hear you regarding your DH. It’s just a personality clash. BUT I would tell him to be more mindful about his comments around her. Explain to her that he’s not into all the chatter- she probably knows this anyway and maybe direct the videos to you or her siblings.

This isn’t really about Dd being annoying or not, it’s her father’s dislike of her. It sounds like Dd can do nothing right. The comment about the tennis shoes is awful and shows how he dislikes any interaction with her, even a minor one asking which ones she would get.
Even the thought of her doing something annoys him.
She sounds wonderful. A lovely vibrant, clever and engaged person. Even if she does have adhd,she seems to be managing herself really well.
Her own father cannot see anything positive in her achievements or her personality and this is a huge issue.
We all find out kids annoying from time to time. We might be tired or have other things on our minds or just bored out of our heads about conversations about cats or Marvel or whatever but we’re not going to dislike our kids because of it.
You need to have a serious conversation with your dh about the way he treats her and speaks about her.

The way you've described her makes her sound near insufferable but it also sounds like she's probably got ADHD or some other focus issue.

You need to have a proper conversation with him. Not about the videos - that's not a good example. Things like the pacing comment, GCSE comment and compliments of your other kids are far more representative of how he really seems to feel. Don't let him deny that he treats her differently and needs to get over himself. Nobody is asking him to sit in a car with her for hours or ferry her to sports - sounds like she is barely in anyway.

I hope you don't ever have teenagers if that lovely child sounds 'insufferable'.

Imaging calling a child insufferable.

Many children are insufferable. Just because they are children doesn't mean they are revered gods to be put up on pedestals. Many are fucking dicks

She doesn’t never stop talking! She’s hardly home for one and is very good at having conversations. Her storytelling could do with some work but she’s 16, she will learn in time people will be more engaged with a story if you tell it quickly.

She’s been with her boyfriend for almost 6 months and he seems to find her delightful!

Im glad DD has so many friends who enjoy her company as she has never struggled with making or sustaining friendships.

There were pigeons out late at night were there?

Whose fault do you think that is?

That’s exactly why she showed us it actually! She was pointing out that it was strange and was worried it was injured. The exact sentence it started with “wait there is a pigeon over there, that’s odd, I wonder if it’s injured”.

I have adhd and my conversations are like this. I digress/off on a tangent a lot. I’m aware of it now and try to rein it in. But it’s how my brain is wired. https://www.neurofx.co.uk/neurofx-blog/out-of-sight-off-track-and-overthinking-why-adhd-storytelling-is-anything-but-straightforward

pacing could also be stimming. Autistic Dd paces loads in the evening.

i get she’s been assessed and they thought she wasn’t but even if she isn’t everyone is different. Everyone’s brain is wired differently. Your dh needs to be more accepting.

Your DD sounds great OP, and your husband sounds a grumpy and unreasonable. I can't help but think that the posters making snarky comments are jealous of her energy levels. I certainly am!

@GugiGi You are only responding to the posters who are criticising your daughter but not responding to the posters who are criticising your DH because we think that his behaviour is borderline abusive and definitely cruel and unfair.

Your daughter needs to be protected from him as he will eventually damage her self-esteem and self-worth.

Your first post (which was the only one I read before replying) didn't really put across quite how much your DH was putting your DD down, but seemed like it was just him saying once that your DD was annoying and you were upset by that.

I wasn't saying that your daughter did those things OP, I was just saying that my daughter does things that annoy me but I still love her despite those things and I think it's normal for parents to sometimes find their kids annoying.

I should have read all your posts before commenting, I'm sorry. For what it's worth I think my DD sounds very similar to yours, I hope she will be when she gets to that age anyway because DD1 is very much in the moody, sullen teen phase and I miss the child who used to like me!

I've been a teacher for 15 years and I've never met one of these children you describe. I have however met MANY children who have been brought up terribly.

Op your daughter sounds lovely! Shes getting flack on here because the good people on MN are a particular subset of the population. Many on here say they don’t need friends and don’t ever answer their door! Extroverts get a bad rep on here too.

shes fine you’ve said she has lots of friends so all is well! Shes 16.

I think your problem is your DH. If you start a new thread in relationships about the things your DH says to your daughter you might get a very different response. He’s been unkind to her from when she was very little.

do you like him? He doesn’t sound engaging or kind. Why are you quietly putting up with him being unkind to your daughter.

What you've got is two very different personalities, which is fine unless one is constantly tearing the other one down - as is happening here.

My first instinct was "she sounds absolutely amazing, such a strong and determined young lady - the world needs people like her". Then I compared her with my own more reserved nature and I'd find living with her quite draining. But I'm not her parent.

I wouldn't so much have an issue with dh voicing some negativity privately, but I believe it could be very damaging if he's doing it directly with her on a regular basis. It can erode confidence to hear so much criticism all the time.

Dh and ds are very different characters, and they clash a lot (to the point where I've had to step in an mediate), but ds is left in no doubt that his dad has his back and is fiercely protective of him, and believes him to have all the right values. It sounds like op's dd has all the right values, so perhaps the focus needs to be on that more than anything.