DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I think she sounds fantastic. I love being around people with lots of positive energy. It doesn’t seem as though she puts demands on others, but just gets on with her life full of zest, interest, and energy. Sounds wonderful! In my experience, those who don’t like that are either generally grumpy sods themselves or introverts who generally find other people’s energy draining (and aren’t self-aware so blame that on the other person). Of course that’s not always true but it often is.

She also sounds as thought she definitely has ADHD and I wonder if the “signs” before 12 were just ones you didn’t recognise as such…

It's OK for you to feel sad about this but I don't think you need to become the mediator.
Here are two very disparate personalities.
It is reasonable for him to find it irritating sometimes ... we all feel that on occasions ....
Is your DD very distressed when he comments?
If not it might help to make light of it. To gently joke about chalk and cheese ... openly.

She sounds absolutely lovely. My DD is the same, she’s fabulous, she’s 29 now, has a good job, still lots of friends and is so kind. Much better than people who stare at screens and don’t speak.

Your dd has adhd , that’s my take from this. As somebody who has adhd and whose children all have it and whose parents have it, it can be A LOT to take in when your personalities clash. Nothing winds me up more than somebody being happy smiley chatty when I want to be left alone to myself and quiet. And no way would I be watching 4 1 minute videos or listening to voice notes. I refuse flat out from my sisters too!

I am actually wondering whether all the people who think this young lady is so out of the ordinary have actually met any teenage girls before? Or are you just sat there with your 4 year old daughters not realising that you're in for the shock of your life in 10 years time 🤣

The cheek of people to say that it is valid for a father to hold the view that he would like his child of only she could be less like herself and more like him.
Your DD does NOT need to change her personality. MN is vastly overpopulated with misanthropes and those who self-identify as quiet/introverted/the still water who runs deep, but are actually just riven with resentment at those who are socially competent.

Really, your husband could be among them. And I wouldn’t assume he does actually love her - you don’t feel only irritation and resentment towards those whom you love.

It is quite obvious that he is jealous of her, and is guarding the 16 year old version of himself who would have loved to have a girlfriend like her, knows she wouldn’t consider him at all, and therefore is punishing her.

This is 100% about him and his feelings, and I would not permit any framing of the problem as being your daughter. She sounds great and really lovely.

@ForNoisyCat There’s no need to quote the entire OP with your six word reply.

Go back and read the post again, and then answer your own question.

Is he her actual dad?

I have to say my dad was like this about lively old me but I was such a happy teenager I never even noticed, he was a miserable bastard who hated anybody being funny youthful and optimistic about life. I see the same again now. I’m feeling kind of jaded on various levels and am no longer chronically happy but my younger son is like this, I love it.

Protect her and encourage her to be herself at all costs OP. She sounds wonderful and like she is / will be a light in this world, at least for some (many) who will appreciate her zest for life.

Some people will be jealous, however.

You have it spot on. I eventually realised that my dad hates me and my sister because he knew we were the girls who would not have given him a second look at school. We were too outgoing attractive and slightly naughty to have ever given him the time of day. Men hate confident women. They want to put us in our place. Your daughter sounds fab.

I used to get told off for being too happy, smiling too much, being too chatty, etc - the criticism of me was endless and my mum should have shut that shit down.

She sounds very similar to my dd. My dd was an energetic kid who loved to talk, do sports etc but could also sit and do her work in school, be quiet when needed etc. I never considered adhd until she got to about 14 when (I’m guessing hormones) she seemed to have too much energy , needed to fill every silence and behaviours that are normal at 6/7/8 suddenly seem out of place. Her dad has adhd (presented completely differently) and we are sure she also has adhd although we never bothered with testing. Shes mid twenties now and has worked on her self a lot, she can be a bit self involved and tries to manage that. Shes also afussy eater but has gradually improved her diet. Shes hard working and loves to take care of everyone.
I love the bones off her and think she’s amazing.

Your dh sounds quite mean, why does he need to put people in boxes? And why are 4 minutes of video annoying? Why can’t he love her for who she is instead of feeling she needs to be different?

I'd be absolutely heartbroken if my husband didn't make our two teenage daughters feel completely loved.

Sometimes we both may privately moan about them (don't tone police me child lol!) but I'd be devastated if he said mean things to them.

I just want to clarify some things.

People seem to be assuming DD is constantly up in our faces with her “exhausting personality”. That simply is not the case, this isn’t me defending her, I’m clarifying the facts.
She is busy, active, better at 2 way conversations than our older son (I’m not sure he could reliably tell you exactly what DH or I do for work beyond job title , DD takes a real interest in other people, what we actually do at work, how we feel about it etc).
She isn’t sending videos daily, isn’t constantly chatting at us, she can be more succinct if we ask her to be. These are said to praise or defend her but to clarify the facts.

For everyone so insistent she has ADHD, she may well do but she has been assessed and the assessor gave many reasons for why he wouldn’t give a diagnosis including no pre-12 signs, no issues at school at all, no issues focusing even on tasks which were of low interest or priority, no issues with deadlines or meeting time limits/restrictions, no issues with organisation of her time or scheduling, no issues with friendships either making new friends or sustaining current friends.
The only ADHD traits we’re going into mini conversations in the middle of wider ones, being very active, enjoying pacing over sitting still etc, but none of these are actually detrimental to her life in anyway.

I think people have made a lot of assumptions about DD, which is making me come across more defensive than I would ever be in real life. I’m not saying she is never annoying, she is, so am I, and DS and DD2, we are all annoying sometimes, and I call DD our if she is being actually annoying.

DH has made many comments about DD over the years such as, “it annoys me when she is in her room and I knows she’s pacing even if I can’t see or hear it, just thinking about it annoys me”, “god knows how she did well in her GCSEs, I was expecting her to fail as she does all her studying standing up”, even last night with the annoyance over the videos, no one made him watch them, I’ve looked back and DS was replying to them in real time so if there had been something urgent in there someone else would have noticed.
He doesn’t treat our other children like this, even when they do similar things (such as DS sending videos). It really comes down to him disliking DD.

So before 12 she wasn’t going off into tangents in her story telling, talking incessantly, dancing around all the time, etc? This all happened after the age of 12?

He would get his arse kicked if he was mine.

He's quite frankly an awful father to her. She sends a few videos when she’s clearly a bit nervous walking home and he’s annoyed? What the hell?

Did your dh say she was annoying to her face or to you?

I think it’s fine to find your DC annoying at times and need a break from them, but it seems to be more than that w your DH.

She does sound very full on though, and I’d suspect adhd.

You can love someone and still
find them annoying.

One thing that really stands out to me OP is that DD is clearly YOUR favourite and you think the sun shines out if her arse (all the constant describing of her as 'vibrant') and I wonder if your DH sees this and is trying to moderate the situation?
Its obvious you just really really like her personality but it is a bit cloying I have to say.
One person's 'Vibrant' is another persons 'too full on, annoying as hell'

She isn’t talking incessantly now, and she’s always been making up dances etc. but that’s not a sign of ADHD, atleast not in the eyes of the assessor.

They were looking for issues with focus, timekeeping, organisation, friendships, sustaining long term interests etc. none of which apply.

DS used to make up dances with DD too, sometimes I have a little dance in the kitchen and pace while on the phone, none of this means we absolutely have ADHD.

Your daughter sounds fantastic, I wish I was like her! I do feel sorry for her though, my own father was irritated by my youthful enthusiasm and we had a poor relationship as a result. To say it has affected my life in all sorts of ways would not be hyperbole; this needs to be nipped in the bud and pronto.
I do have a lovely relationship with my father now he’s older (and softer / more loving / accepting) but the damage has been done psychologically (I’m 51).

Your DD sounds absolutely wonderful op. What's to dislike about a curious, interested, motivated, conscientious, cheerful , friendly person?

Your DH sounds like he might have been unpopular and awkward at school. If that is the case, is it possible your DD pushes sone buttons about this?

In my experience being constantly really irritated with your child over years and fundamentally finding their personality dislikeable is often associated with them reminding the parent about something they don't like about themselves. Either because the child has traits the parent themselves wish they didnt have and they don’t the child to suffer the same way they did, or alternatively, the child has traits the parent secretly wishes they had but has over the years learnt to despise those traits as a way of dealing with their jealousy about others who do.

Does your DH have friends, is he cheerful, does he like and is good at sports? If not, maybe when he was younger he wished these things were true and learnt to despise people with these traits as a defense mechanism.

In any case, even. If these things are true, he absolutely needs to look at himself and untangle his feelings about your daughter . Maybe therapy ( on his own or with you ) about this might help. He has to learn to feel less irritated and hide it better when he is.

i agree. 16 year olds should have zests for life and be full of energy. They’re not 40

She sounds lovely! And of course annoying at times, but everyone has their own brand of annoying. There was something I saw on Facebook years ago where someone was saying how she was told her entire childhood/early adulthood that she was ‘too much’, and in the end she just said ‘ok- then go find less’ which I always think about now when anyone says someone is too much for them.

My DD is similar to yours, I’m an introvert though and I do definitely find her exhausting at times, but I nonetheless admire that zest for life, which honestly so many people (myself included) lack. Your DH sounds incredibly intolerant, and needs to think about 10 years from now where she doesn’t live at home, when she’s stopped sending messages on the family group and no longer tries to engage him in any kind of conversation- because that will happen- does that bother him? Thankfully it sounds like you have a brilliant relationship with her, and just enjoy her personality, which is so lovely.

I don’t have a favourite, DD will sound like my favourite in this thread because she is the child we are talking about.
I could just easily and readily compliment my other children, but the thread isn’t about them so I’m not!

DS is the kindest boy I’ve ever met, will go out of his way to help you if he can, he’s incredibly intelligent and I’ve had some of my most interesting conversations with him in my entire life. He’s a very calming presence and an absolute gentleman.

DD2 is my lovely quiet child, she is super creative and has incredible ideas for books and loves to draw, read and write. She’s very empathetic, knows just when someone needs a hug or a compliment to brighten their day, constantly makes me smile and laugh and never fails to amaze me with her creativity and intelligence.

I hope that reassures you that I do love all my children, the post is just only about one of them!