DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Not everyone likes everyone else and that's a given. Very quiet people who have bitch resting face spook me out as I'm projecting whether they don't like me! I wouldn't seek those people out as my friends, although I did once work with a woman like that and it took me months to realise she was really nice and we ended up very good friends once I realised she didn't dislike me! But, all the evidence is that our current society values extroversion and being confident in social situations, so on the balance of probabilities, and given the OP's daughter seems adept at accomplishing friends, boyfriends, high grades and good relations with her siblings and her mother, that she'll do extremely well in life. If a few people find her 'too much', so what? Her life chances are actually pretty good with this type of personality.

And she's allowed to be as irritated by people who don't invest in others around them. It doesn't mean they should change either. There is nothing wrong with her.

I’ll probably get a kicking for this, but both your DH and your DD sound neurodivergent. Two ND people in a family with very different presentations and sensitivities can be really tricky.

For her safety tell her not to be recording videos as she walks along. She needs to be aware of her surroundings.

Dh can find her annoying but does not need to say so

She definitely sounds neurodivergent, but maybe a diagnosis wouldn't help anyway if she's happy with how things are.

I think it's fair enough that her friends and boyfriend might think she's an adorable manic pixie dream girl, wittering on about naming a pigeon and singing songs on facetime, and for other people, like your DH, it might be totally cringe.

It also sounds more like you're describing a young child. My DD5 goes off on long winded stories that I can't really follow, and my SD did too but she outgrew it by secondary school. Knowing that another person does not enjoy hearing a very long ramble about people they don't even know with many offshoots, and noticing and stopping when the other person is clearly bored, is one example of picking up on social cues.

Maybe he's more similar to her than he likes to admit. Many an autistic parent has railed furiously against their child's autistic traits because they don't want to examine what they've been masking their whole life. Rigid thinking, having strange rules (like studying must be done sat down) having a limited range of interests and not wanting to talk about them- it might be that it's DH who would benefit more from assessment.

I agree with this. I'm reserved and introverted - high-energy, enthusiastic people like the DD's daughter mentally drain me very quickly. That's my problem, not hers. And it's not even a 'problem' because I recognise that people have different personalities and energy levels because I'm an adult. I work with many extroverted, bubbly, sociable, chatty people and we manage to rub along fine - they're also capable of recognising that their colleagues have different personalities.

The OP's daughter sounds like she's fully herself and being yourself is something that takes work so you don't fall into just doing what a bunch of people who hate seeing gregarious women enjoying their lives want you to be. I'm glad the OP encourages her to be herself. The language in this thread - pick me, show off, attention seeking - is a well-worn gendered path.

I think your daughter sounds absolutely great and I wouldn't want to change anything about her. She gets on really well with you and with her siblings and friends. I would love to have that much energy.

Your husband, on the other hand, sounds absolutely awful. What kind of relationship does he want with her - one where she just shuts up and leaves him alone? What does he think she thinks of him? Does he think that if he was widowed and living alone that she would come to see him? Actually, she sounds really kind hearted so I imagine she would, but would he do the same for her? No.

How does he think she feels, knowing he greatly prefers her siblings?

I hate to think of her walking home on her own in the dark and sending a message which he doesn't even bother to listen to. Couldn't he have sent her a text saying "Just watching a movie - are you OK?" If he can't drive, why couldn't he shift himself and walk to meet her? Would he ever do that? Is he ever concerned about her safety?

I can also completely ignore them

Well quite. It seemed to get up @viques nose. But then @viques seems to get up the noses of posters here with her brusque, slightly dated opinions. I wonder if she has considered changing as she won’t be 16 forever?

Your DH is the problem here. My DF was the same - didn't bother with me, constant criticism and putdowns, no interest in my safety when I was out late, would rather die than pay me the slightest compliment. His DM died when he was 12 and he was very insecure. He was convinced my sole aim in life was to come between him and my DM, and said numerous times that he wanted me out of the house and once I left I'd never be allowed back in. I wasn't a problem child, I was quiet and introverted, though I did argue with him as he argued with everyone, and he couldn't accept that I might have a different opinion to him.

He destroyed my self-esteem to the extent that despite passing my A levels I didn't even apply for Uni, since I was convinced that everyone would laugh at my work, I'd have no friends and I'd never cope living away from home. And I'd have nowhere to live as he said he wouldn't let me come back home. I've never had a career, just a succession of dead end jobs. This was a long time ago when a degree meant you could expect a decent job. He wasn't the only problem when I was growing up but he certainly didn't help.
@GugiGi please don't let him do this to your DD - he's the adult and it's his responsibility to find a better solution, maybe making an effort to bond with her combined with down time for him.

Yeah she’d get on my last nerve but I’m not her parent.

Just try to impress upon your DH that if he ever EVER tells her he finds her irritating he risks ruining her self esteem forever and you’ll never forgive him.

Ah, sorry. I see what you were saying now.

I think her personality is a bit of a red herring here. The fact is your DH doesn't like your DD, never has, and is constantly putting her down. As an unfavoured child, I can tell you that whatever she says, and however much she appears not to care, she knows and she cares. She will have known for a long time he doesn't like her.

Maybe her behaviour is a result of this, it sounds as if she is desperately trying to engage with him and always being rejected. You are right in thinking this rejection will damage her self esteem. She may be going about trying to make him like her the wrong way, but frankly I think whatever she did would be wrong.

He needs to have a good hard think about what he is doing. There are many many worse things she could be doing than being a bit irritating in her communication style. Most people would be delighted with a hard working, sociable child, who is doing well at school, enjoys sports, has a good friendship group and stays out of trouble.

He needs to accept her for who she is, not put her down all the time, start actively thinking about all the positive things about her, and not tell her to grow up. She's a child she will grow up all too quickly, and sadly she probably won;t want much to do ith her Dad. Luckily she has a good relationship with her Mum, but one rejecting parent is enough to make you question your whole self, and she doesn't deserve to have her father damage her in that way.

She sounds lovely, everyone is different and shouldn't be pressured into trying to confirm to someone else ideals.

Rather than wonder whether your DD might have ADHD, have you considered whether your DH might be autistic? Autistic people would find that communication style exhausting, I think.

Your DD sounds lovely.

I wondered that too. 😆

My DD is autistic, I never hear about her day, her life or anything, even when she’s upset I get nothing! I think the last time I got a kiss or a cuddle she must have been about 3. Soak it all up, he really doesn’t understand how lucky he is.

She sounds like a wonderful and special girl and it breaks my heart that anyone would want to dim her light.

Your daughter sounds wonderful and amazing. I am sure you're very proud of her and tell her that.

Hyperfocus is an ADHD symptom but I'm aware that she doesn't want another assessment. It's sad that her DF seems so against her and I don't know how you change that. Maybe she reminds him of himself. Perhaps broaching the conversation to ask him to be more aware of the effect his criticism may have on her would be a way to start.

As for the Nuremberg trials, asking about their ethics is a valid question that is asked a great deal and can we impose our 21st century values on events that happened 80+ years ago? It's a university level philosophy essay question and I would be proud that she thinks about these things.

She may be interested in Hannah Arendt, a German Jewish philosopher and her assessment of Eichmann's trial and his motivation. Arendt expressed that his trial exposed the 'banality of evil', that ordinary people can do terrible things for conventional reasons (I paraphrase).

Your DD may be interested in this essay about Arendt's work. At the very least she may be excited tonrewd about a female philosopher.

https://www.loc.gov/collections/hannah-arendt-papers/articles-and-essays/evil-the-crime-against-humanity/

You convey great love and pride for her and I think she's a wonderful human. We need more of them.

Why are you engaging with all of the idiots?

Your DD sounds brilliant. DH needs to treat his children equally. I’d have it out with him and find out what the heck his problem is.

I am sensing dh is a boring oul straight laced person with no original thought of his own and sounds like he doesn’t like anyone who
questions the status quo. He sounds insufferable. Did he go to boarding school or have a strict upbringing where free expression was frowned upon? He might want to explore that with a therapist along with his hatred towards his own daughter, he sounds jealous he can’t be like her.

forget a ladder, some of the posters on here need the sort of gigantic crane they use to build skyscrapers in Dubai for some of the leaps of logic they're making.

One person finds DD a bit annoying = if she doesn't change her ways literally everyone in her adult life will despise her
Asks an intelligent question about history = she's a fascist and nazi-sympathiser!
OP mentions one of DD's good points = she puts her on a pedestal and her other children are aware that she hugely favours her!

Absolute nutcases.

Tbh I hate being sent videos. I still live with my mom and she'll send me a few videos a day and then gets on my case asking if I've watched them

All 3 of my children are pacers.
Two have top university degrees and the 3rd is on their way.
All 3 were very strong academically.
My husband has a huge job and is academically quite brilliant, and was a huge pacer through all his degrees, PhD etc.

Your husband is a twat of the highest order.
I feel so sorry for your daughter.

I cannot fathom being with someone who spoke about my child ike that.

And all 3 of mine can be annoying at times.
He sounds like a really ugly nasty bully.
And boring as fxxk too.