DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

It isn't a question of being 'allowed to be annoyed'. I'm sure everyone who is a parent finds their children annoying sometimes. It's a question of how you deal with it! You don't ignore the child, put them down, call them annoying and generally destroy their self confidence. You speak to them, commend them on their good points, then explain why their behaviour might be annoying to some people and ask them to be mindful of their surroundings.
The OP has said that she has good reports from school and plenty of friends.

"Has DH ever investigated why he is only interested in engaging in conversation with people about his own special interest, history?"

When the DD did that she was accused of being a" Nazi sympathiser. " She can't win with this man.

Oh OP you could come on here and say white and 10 people would have to say black just so they could argue with you. You won't find anywhere in the world with people more stubbornly obtuse than here. You give them one example of something she did and they project it onto everything she's ever done and ever going to do. The more defensive you get, the more desperate they are to prove you're wrong.

Your dd sounds fantastic, do people really not have silly conversations with their kids? Even when they're adults? I have stupid conversations with ds all the time, we're always laughing about something ridiculous and going off on wild tangents - he somehow still manages to work perfectly well as a software engineer.

Your husbands behaviour is horrible but short of leaving him what are you going to do? I'm not sure why you're so convinced he loves your dd either tbh, if he hasn't liked her since she was pretty much born why would you think he loves her? How many people have you not liked for nearly 20 years but still love anyway?

It wouldn't surprise me if your husband was autistic and dd was also ND in one way or another. It would explain why he finds her too loud and a lot, but the way he is dealing with that is just horrible. I don't think there is any easy answer tbh, he's not going to change and she shouldn't have to.

This is rubbish. The OP's daughter is socially skilled, up to date with the latest films, able to bond with her own siblings, kind to others, as well as funny and interesting. She's verbally adept, but knows when to turn it down at school, there are no complaints about her behaviour at school and she's able to pay attention and achieve highly. She is absolutely not the type of person who will be struggling in the world of university or of work, in fact, socially skilled people often do better than those with higher grades without those social skills.

You aren't practicing social skills by being put down, ignored and muttered about by your own father, you are experiencing dislike and rejection from one of the primary caregivers, it is that which will damage her in the long-run, not being a bit outgoing and fun.

Everyone does something that other people find annoying.

Everyone.

It's life. It's personalities and characters.

It's not unreasonable for anyone to find anything annoying because everyone does.

What matters is not taking it personally or being offended by it.

If everyone you know finds you annoying, you might need to look at that but otherwise, it's just life! People are annoying someone, somewhere whatever they do.

The daughter is also socially responsive- she asks her dad if he would like to watch a history show with her, not the other way around. She's far more socially skilled than he is by all accounts.

I feel quite sad for her walking home on her own age 16 in the dark nights when all he can say is why did she send those videos, instead of thinking I wonder if I could have picked her up, I wonder if she's ok. Very few people would leave a 16 year old to walk alone if they have the means to help them- I'm still the taxi service here for mine who are older than that when I can (if I can't, fair enough).

The world rewards extroversion, by the way, sometimes unfairly so, but having extroverted children who are socially skilled is not a disadvantage in life, whatever some of those on Mumsnet might be trying to claim! Being able to talk to anyone, responsive to their interests (so bonding with siblings, reaching out to dad on relevant topic, FaceTiming her siblings, she was probably sending pigeon videos on the family chat to have a laugh with them not him), some people on here seem quite cross the OP's daughter is going to do so well...

She sounds like she has a huge amount going for her. Sporty, polite, listens, works hard, shows an interest in people. Has friends and a boyfriend. She probably can be annoying at times but as far as teenagers go she sounds great!
DH loves to share stories about what he is doing, just doesn’t like DD doing the same as she is more vibrant and expressive in her storytelling
Sounds like he doesn't like the attention being taken from him.

I’ve managed to read this thread to page 17 with my jaw hanging to the floor. But I can’t anymore.

Who are the posters on here, aliens from another planet? It couldn’t be clearer that this man is in the wrong, and OP’s concern so valid. How OP’s daughter ended up pathologized and called annoying and problematic is mind boggling. The first post laid the issue out clear as day.

I’m a sensitive soul so this kind of rejection from a parent would cast a long shadow on my life. It seems Dd is much sturdier and has enough positive reinforcement to let it slide off her. Or so we might hope. Depending on how good a man he is otherwise, I might figure out how forgivable this is.

Why was he in a mood after watching the videos? Where did the sour mood come from? Is he worried for her? For his relationship with her? Does he judge her? Does he get jealous? What’s behind how he reacts to her over banal interactions? Seems it hits a nerve but not clear what nerve.

Your daughter sounds absolutely wonderful to me. I don't have kids yet but I hope they turn out to be like her! Vibrant, sporty, motivated, energetic, interested in people. It sounds like it could be tiring to be around for someone who doesn't have much energy but that's not a problem with your daughter herself, rather the other person (her dad).

I realise I'll get flamed for this butwithout knowing the full and absolute picture, I'm on your husband's side.

Allowing for the fact that videos, FB etc weren't around when I was 16, there is simply NO WAY I would, in any way shape or form have been allowed or enabled to behave like this. And thank God for that.

It's absolute cringe. If it annoys your DH it will also be excessively weird and irritating to others.

Does she ever hear you telling her gently and kindly to tone it down? That she needs to rein things in a bit, and the reason why?

Do you ever say no? Surely, 16 year olds need role models to turn into likeable adults: those not perpetually doing performance attention seeking?

And, clever socially skilled girls learn to code-switch very early, so she will know when to turn this on and off. She won't be stuck in one mode all the time. She sent the videos to the people who do appreciate her- you, her two siblings who love hearing from her, and your husband, presumably, was in the chat as he's obliged to be included even though he's an arse. She's good in school and doesn't suffer from inattention or under-achievement due to being 'too much' at all.

OP doesn't strike me as the type to take criticism of this DD on board though?

I worked with someone like this. It was a flippin' nightmare. And we always had to say: get to the point, now. And they would always complain about how mean we were, but nobody in a work situation has 30 minutes to hear a roundabout story that boils down to "customer x wants salesperson y to call them now"

Not to people who are supposed to love her. She doesn't even sound self-centred. A lot of people here however sound like absolute stone faced puritans.

I know this kind of advice is really well meaning and comes from a good place but holy shit if it doesn't highlight the stuff women who have families have to carry every single day.

I do agree that the DH sounds pretty disengaged with the DD from the start though, and that is not good.

But pp had the answer i think: explain to DD that dad doesn't communicate like that and brevity is better with him, and explain to dad that DD communicates like that and to practice patience. They can meet in the middle

We send videos and silly memes and pictures of our cat doing silly things on our Whatsapp group chat all the time. The DH could take himself off the group chat if it annoys him. Sending voice notes, videos, pictures, is how young people communicate esp on Insta/SnapChat. I'm actually quite amazed that some people possibly with teenagers don't know this is standard communication these days- it's like being the one person holding out not watching TV in 1985 or something.

The people I know with the best relationships with their young people communicate with them in the ways their young people communicate- I don't even speak to mine daily but plenty do whilst away at uni.

If you don't want to be on a group chat, you can remove yourself or mute it, so it's not even an insoluable solution.

Yes. The fact that her teachers say she is polite, listens, works hard counts for a lot. Not all teenagers are like that! Plus she has friends

I can't offer any practical advice but my observation is that your daughter sounds terrific and your husband sounds like an arse.

@HighlyUnusual The worrying (and curious bit) is that it seems to be just the one DC that the DH doesn't want to hear from...

A lot of 'she needs to learn' directed at a 16 year old girl still in the throes of childhood and adolescent development - quite literally learning every single day - and not enough directed towards the grown adult man with a marriage and three children.

there were some big things in the last year that I did have to call him out on, which I haven’t mentioned

?

DD doesn’t seem to care

She cares. She sees him being loving and protective to her sister, but hostile and dismissive to her, and she gets the message.

You might be able to mitigate the harm to her (she has other people to love her), but I doubt you'll change his behaviour, because there is nothing in it for him - he doesn't value his relationship with her, or fear losing it.

How sad for your DD! She sounds delightful and happy and like a typical 16 year old.

The fact that DH feels annoyed by her when she is in her room shows a huge amount of contempt for her. She may well internalise the way he behaves towards her and end up with self esteem issues.

I think he actually needs some counselling to work out what his problem is.
Personally I would go ballistic at him, there's no way I would put up with him treating her like that.

Not all the people she meets in life will take the time and effort to get through the stories and love the person for them, or in spite of them. Nor should they be expected to, we don’t have to love everyone we meet just because they have quirks we don’t understand, or we find irritating or difficult, being different is not a get out of jail free card. Of course we don’t have to be mean to people we don’t get , but we are allowed to be irritated by them, to choose not to work with them or socialise with them.

Your daughter sounds amazing, you must be so proud of her. I think you should pull your husband up strongly every time he criticises her, it’s terrible parenting from him.

I think your DD sounds absolutely delightful. Only slightly thing would worry me is the studying standing up. Is she able to relax as that could maybe indicate she was a bit manic on high alert all the time . Your DH on the other hand sounds stuffy , serious and critical! If there is a problem it is his attitude not your DD. My DS is naturally reserved and private I would love it if he could share his life with us a bit more.