DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

The thread is about DD, not my other children as DH doesn’t have an issue with my other children. I did make a point of complimenting both of them when another poster mentioned this, but the post isn’t actually about them!

I do wish posters would stop inventing narratives on this thread.

@GugiGi I have read most, not all of your posts.

You have a DH problem - everyone on here having a go at your DD should cut the crap, tbh.

My only question for you is in your DH family's set up, was there a 'blacksheep'? Because he's put your DD forward for that role here. It may be a learned behaviour.

She doesn't need to change her behaviour, he needs to change HIS, and I'd be suggesting some sort of counselling for you both (not more 'testing' for your DD, for goodness sake.)

Hugs to you, this is hard.

I wonder if your DD has evolved into a kind of performer/ attention seeker in response to subconsciously feeling sidelined at an early age? This is pretty sad to read.

Your DH sounds very self centered and judgemental. So what if he doesn’t like her energy? That doesn’t mean she’s flawed or that she needs to make herself smaller for him. Why is his way the “better” way.

That is a but sad that he can't bond with her.

I was initially thinking that it's not unreasonable to call your dc's annoying. Both our kids are annoying all the time. However, they are also amazing and we love them to bits and have great relationships with them....in different ways because they are very different characters.

Your dh does sound a bit miserable but not all kids and parents get on. Just continue to enjoy your relationship with your dd.

Me too! Although I would try not to let it show (& just wouldn’t watch the video).

It sounds like you all were much happier without your husband around. The fact he blatantly favours one child over another and is cruel to your dd1 is completely unacceptable. She sounds like such a vibrant, joyful personality, she deserves better than to have a dad who doesn't appreciate her. It's not good for your dd2 either, those kind of situations where one sibling is favoured over the other always eventually end up damaging sibling relationships too. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but if I were you I would be telling your husband to fix his attitude or leave.

To get a diagnosis of ADHD the potential symptoms need to be causing impairment across life domains.

If DD is happy, functioning well and not struggling in any areas then she won't and shouldn't get a diagnosis of ADHD.

Regardless of how many posters comment that it might be ADHD or sounds like ADHD.

People are allowed to have personalities and characters and even ND traits without others banging on about getting them diagnosed with something.

That's precisely why many Autism assessment services have stopped accepting referrals where it's not causing significant problems in school or elsewhere.

Good luck, OP.

I think if he does get defensive instead of seeing that as a road block, factor that as part of the issue and enquire why he feels defensive and what his thought processes are around it. Work with him on his preferred wording that allows you to express concern without him feeling criticised.

He might also find it useful to reflect if he doesn’t like feeling criticised how it might feel to be DD a with his drip drip of criticism.

I would too I’m afraid. But she’s not my daughter. If she was then i’d have to get over myself and accept her for who she is. She sounds like a high energy person as well
as very intelligent. Both very good things imo.

I think you need to speak to your DH and say you feel he's seeing negatives and being negative about DD1.

She might be irritating him, just clash of personalities but he's the grown up here and her father and he should be part of the team with yourself in parenting for her to become a capable happy adult.

I think I'd say I'm getting worried that one day she'll clock all the negatives from her father and this could impact their relationship badly.

I think it's OK for you both to acknowledge DD1 is full on for your DH, so need to work out a way for him to deal with his feelings.

And he needs to be reminded of the positives of DD1. He's lost in the irritation.

And tbh he should be bloody grateful as difficult as he finds her - there's some agents of teens going through hell.

I don’t get all this check her for ADHD stuff because she’s enthusiastic. I’m all for people getting a diagnosis if they think it will help them, but we’ve now shifted to trying to diagnose women because they are “too much” for the men in their lives.

Has DH ever investigated why he is only interested in engaging in conversation with people about his own special interest, history?

Also, my 20 year old dd, who is away at uni, often facetimes me while she is getting ready for a night out, and we have rambling conversations as she does her make-up. My 16 year old dd often calls me as she is walking to or from her boyfriend's house so she can ramble at me.

I treasure these times. It's when my girls dont need to perform or be at their best, just a relaxing chat with mum like we would do if they were home. Even if some of it is a bit boring (is Evie-Mai really beefing with Chanelle AGAIN?) I just love the connection.

The key point here is all the people assuming that because OP's dd sends rambling messages to her family, she must do that everywhere. If she couldn't edit herself, that would be a problem, but OP has clearly told us that her dd does well at school and has lots of friends. Why are people ignoring that?

As for Nuremberg, it is thoughtful and valid to consider the ethics of 'victors' justice' in the aftermath of the war. I say that as the descendant of German Jews, some of whom were murdered by the Nazis. Only the hard of thinking would consider this question dodgy or inappropriate.

What the fuck is a wrong with a pigeon video?

I think you are being unreasonable to be sad.
I would be furious.

Apologies @GugiGi as I haven't read all your posts.
Presumably you have tried talking to him about this? What does he say? Have you told him that he is pushing his own daughter away and being unkind and dismissive to her?
It's common for parents to have different personalities and interests from their children but there are good and bad ways to deal with this. Your DH is dealing with it terribly.

It's all very well people saying that dh is a big meanie and she sounds lovely and anyone who finds her enthusiasm anything other than delightful is also a big meanie - but on here there's enough people saying they would find it annoying to see that it won't be the odd person.

Now is the time to help her find that there's times when it's appreciated, but times she needs to be able to dial it back.

Things like dancing round the kitchen to music when getting breakfast. Firstly, I suspect it isn't anything like as quiet as the OP says, but if someone else is in the kitchen, assuming their kitchen isn't big enough to fit our whole house in, then it would be irritating, delay others and potentially cause accidents.
So helping her to see that it's fine if people are not still trying to sleep, and not also trying to get breakfast, but otherwise being aware that what she's doing may not be appropriate and tone it down.
Even just saying if others are in there "do you mind if we have music on" makes a difference to how people feel about it.

Helping her to read the room and tone it down for other people's benefit will help her in the future.

There are times when we all like to do something that effects other people, and sometimes we have to compromise on that.
Eg I like music on when I'm tidying. I'm doing a massive tidying at the moment in the lounge. Dh isn't keen on the music I like to play. So when he's working, I play music only with headphones on. If he's home and not working, I will check he's okay with it (he'd normally only say no with good reason) and put on music that I know he doesn't mind, and I quite like. If he's out, then I'll have what I really like as loud as I like.
He'll do similar compromises on things that effect me.

Dh had a cousin who wasn't dissimilar to your description growing up. I remember first meeting her. Dh warned me "don't say anything, there's no point, they won't change." They're now approaching their 50s and they haven't changed. They live quite near us, and (they share the same surname as dh) I come across people who work/know them and they work out we're related.
About 10% say how wonderful they are and how enthusiastic. About 10% don't comment, and the rest find them from annoying through to a major problem. A frequent comment I've heard about them is "if only they'd been taught when younger to behave". I've met people who have changed jobs because of them for example.

So helping her to learn that at times it isn't appropriate to behave like that will help her as much as everyone else.

If he didn't have an immediate bond with DD1, it was his responsibility to fix that, to try and find things in common, or at the very least, praise her achievements and support her in a future goals. As a parents, you don't get to just write-off one of your children because they are very different from you. He puts in no effort, continually rejects her and is actively spiteful (telling her that he was shocked that she didn't fail all her GCSEs).

He has no care or concern for her safety as he chose to reject her call when he knew she was walking home at night on her own.

I would find it very hard to love a man who so obviously doesn't love his own daughter and actively demonstrates that every single day.

The amount of people calling a 16 year old annoying is actually pretty sad! We constantly tell people to be themselves but here she is just being herself and its deemed as annoying! Ive recently read a great comment... If you find me to be too much then go find less!

Edited for typo

Sure and hopefully @GugiGi has pointed these things out as part of parenting her daughter. It seems that the DH's response is not to communicate with her and just to ignore or be unpleasant. That's definitely not good parenting.

Well her father doesn’t. So you have spectacularly missed the point

Exactly, it doesn't take much. Your son sounds lovely as well OP. I don't know what's wrong with some of the posters on here.

He is allowed to be annoyed by what is, frankly, very annoying behaviour in many ways.

In her room and not bugging anyone? no prob. All the videos and facetiming? I probably wouldn'T watch most of them either.

Not being able to stay on point when relating something? ok if you are a parent and you don't mind. Not if you are a teacher, boss, friend, pressured for time or just want her to get to the point. She needs to learn that or she is going to have a difficult time in the future.

I imagine her teachers would have brought this up with OP if it had of been a problem.

He’s teeing his daughter up to choose a horrible partner. Someone who is critical and unpleasant

Which is what my father did to my sister and me.

When you are an endless source of irritation to a parent it scars you for life.