DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

It’s a red flag about a parent if they haven’t ‘bond’ with one or more of their DC and don’t bother. Your H is seriously at fault IMO and it will have had negative impact on all three DC and especially this DD.

yeah ok this does it for me. She’s a young girl nervous walking home and her dad is like she’s so irritating?! You say he tells stories too- next time he does I’d cut him off half way and say you know if this was our daughter talking you’d be thinking how annoying she is, what makes you think you’re so interesting? I’d start telling him regularly what I thought of his approach, because you realise that as a mum she was nervous getting home why the fuck doesn’t her dad??

I dont know how you can love someone who is cruel to your dd, making nasty comments.
He sounds selfish only interested in things that suit him
You and your children sound lovely.
He doesnt deserve you all
If she ends up in abusive relationships because of his breadcrumbing and knocking her then i hope he can look her in the eye

I haven't rtft but she really does sound wonderful. I hope my 7yo DD grows into someone similar

Your daughter sounds lovely. Your husband sounds selfish and intolerant - only able to be pleasant to people if they are like him. I’d pull him up every single time he’s being harsh, mean, judgemental, intolerant - every time he criticises the child not the behaviour; everyone he bristles at her challenging him; every time he demands her. You sound lovely.

Sadly she won’t be 16 for ever. What is charming in a 16 year old would be irritating and self centred in a 26 or 36 or 46 year old.

If you haven’t already spoken to your DH, maybe you could try and take an approach where he is less likely to get defensive (as you mentioned this as a concern).
You could approach the conversation in a spirit of enquiry. By that I mean trying to find out what deeper meanings are hidden in his apparent dislike of your DD. What is it about DD that you dislike? What is it about “that aspect” that bothers you so much? Does this remind you of anyone? Do you associate “that aspect” with anything else? (I’m wondering whether anything in his past has caused him to react this way).
Also, maybe enquire about what his expectations were of having a daughter? Maybe there is a complete mismatch between his expectations and the reality of your DD.
Does your DH have a sister, how were they both treated in his family?
At this stage, if you can, try and empathise a bit with how he feels if anything personal comes up.
Maybe ask to set up a time to talk about how you could support him in developing a better relationship with your DD.
If it feels that this wouldn’t lead to defensiveness, you could also let him know how you feel about the situation, your sadness and your concern for your DD. (Your DD has obviously been trying to relate to her DF, with the history discussion and seeking his views on her tennis shoes. She might not show it but she cannot be unaware of how her DF feels about her).

Basically, I’m trying to say, you are unlikely to achieve anything if he gets defensive, so avoid a confrontational approach where he is put on the back foot. And I’m not saying I disagree with you, I just think the situation calls for a bit of unraveling. As others have suggested, you may need to seek professional support if you don’t manage to facilitate a more positive DF-DD relationship yourself.
Wishing you all the best in finding a way through this situation.

PS on a completely different theme and sorry to say this but I hate the thought of your DD walking 40 mins home at 10pm!!

Id say he needs to grow up ,it's up to him to cross the river to bond with his daughter.
She's asking very valid questions about history ,asking and questioning doesn't mean you believe in something.
The trials may have been corrupt I have no idea but that doesn't mean she is a nazi sympathiser.
He sounds very immature and stupid op.

Do you think he dislikes her because she inadvertently highlights his shortcomings? If he is bookish and non sporty, he’s probably fine with it as an adult but maybe something he felt insecure about when younger. Maybe she makes him feel a bit of a loser.

I am the opposite. I am a bit introverted but my DD is outgoing, sporty, chatty, sociable, gets on with everyone etc. I love it about her! Her teachers mention that she is “a chatty one” and as much I encourage her to behave in class (and she does tbf) I love that she has the confidence and gregariousness that I lacked at her age but maybe your DH is a bit jealous of her.

70% of posters (at time of writing) think you’re not being unreasonable, and most of the comments point to your husband as the problem. Yet you seem far more invested in arguing with the few who think your daughter is at fault and leaping to defend her. Why does it matter what a handful of strangers think of your daughter? That isn’t the issue.

The issue is that your husband is treating your child badly and has apparently done so for years. So what are you actually going to do about that? Close the tab, stop debating whether your daughter has ADHD with people who know nothing about her and to whom you owe no explanations, and go deal with the real problem, which is your husband behaving like a dick to your child.

But she isn’t 26 yet! You’re allowed to be imperfect at 16 as you’re still learning.

It's a pigeon! How would you "take an interest" in that?

@GugiGi your DD does sound as if she could be a bit too much at times (saying that as an introvert) but she also sounds lovely and caring, and it is sad that your DH can’t see that

@GugiGi However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else!

So DD was able to ask a complex and probing question that challenges people's conventional understanding of history, and your DH's only response to that was to say she looks like a fascist sympathiser.

It sounds like your DH isn't all that great with history, and that his knowledge and expertise has already been surpassed by DD.

Why is that sad? She will grow up and mature and stop sending pigeon videos.

Thank you for this, I am going to speak to him this afternoon once all the children are out for the day as I think it deserves time and devoted attention. I will keep your advice in mind.

He’s an only child and I think at times he shows a lot of “only child” traits.

Looking at this objectively it sounds like she is your DH Scapegoat.
He is taking out his anger on her and blaming her for his moods.

Its always the most emotionally healthy,kind person picked for this role.
You gave a DH problem

I do agree with this, though. He doesn't sound great overall.

Op, I haven't read the whole thread, but from what you said, have you considered ADHD? I have a relative very like that, and it took a while before she finally got diagnosed. Everybody just thought it was "just her."

Her daughter does sound amazing. Why are you so threatened by an intelligent, vibrant girl?

So you only talk to your children about things you find interesting?

Your daughter really deserves so.much more than his treatment.
Please please pleasse tell him it stops or its over.
Please dont let him do to her what was done to me.
He is horrible behaving like this to his own flesh and blood
Please read some of my posts to see how this has affected and manifested itself in my life.
Dont argue with people on here being mean about your daughter. Stick to the original issue.
Your selfish, jealous, nasty dh needs to stop this before it takes affect

"Of all our kids she is the only one who also takes an interest in our lives"

My god OP. You spend all your energy saying how amazing and wonderful and funny and witty and energetic and lively and everything else she is, and completely dismiss ANY contribution your two other children might make in their own, less annoying more reserved ways.

I bet they've noticed that you put her on a pedestal miles above them and she sucks all the energy (and your attention) out of the room anyway.

You have three children. Not one perfection and two you can ignore.

My 19 year old DS managed!
He asked if she thought it was injured, agreed it was odd it was out at night and said “please don’t name the pigeon Rupert, that’s a weird name for a pigeon”. A bit of a pointless conversation sure but aren’t half the conversations you have with your family a little bit pointless.

To get a diagnosis of ADHD the potential symptoms need to be causing impairment across life domains.

If DD is happy, functioning well and not struggling in any areas then she won't and shouldn't get a diagnosis of ADHD.

Regardless of how many posters comment that it might be ADHD or sounds like ADHD.