DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I knew someone were going to say that and not everyone is the same with ADHD.

But a lot of us struggle to start our day and I used to struggle with homework. I wouldn't have been able to get up everyday early, so a work out, do my breakfast, do everything else like that and organised.

I'm not saying people with ADHD cannot be like that but I think it'd be unusual considering our struggles. Especially routines. I mean I need routines but I struggle to stick to them.

Not everything is ND, for some people it is just them.

Interesting! She sounds like me as a teenager in someways and I then diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30s.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. She sounds like a great kid and she’s lucky to have you - such a joy to hear a parent to describe their child as vibrant 🥰.

they may have incompatible personalities but your husband is not even doing the most basic thing of being kind about / to her. It would make me feel really sad. Maybe tell him what you’ve written here - no attack or judgement, just that it makes you feel sad for your daughter and you’re sure that’s not what he wants either. Good luck

It doesn't matter if he finds her annoying. She could be the most annoying person on the planet and it doesn't matter. He is treating her awfully. Its not about one phone call, it about the pattern of minimising her and behaving as if there's something wrong with her. Children who are different from us can be incredibly challenging but it's no excuse.

One of our daughters is a bit like this. We find it the opposite to annoying. It's a compliment to you as parents that she wants to share things with you. It does get a bit much sometimes, but you don't have to open all the videos. A reaction heart does the trick.
The world needs more positive happy energetic people who find some joy in a naming a stray pigeon. There's enough miserable uncommunicative people around to drag us down.
Let her be who she is and love her for it.

Interestingly we didn’t spend lockdown as a family. DH had elderly parents at the time (since passed) who didn’t have anyone around to help them out so he went and stayed with them, I took the children to stay with my parents, they have a much bigger home down on the south coast with a large garden and pool. All 3 children had the time of their lives being spoiled by my parents, playing in the pool, my parents got them go karts so DD and DS spent lots of time on them, parents also have a games room with a ping pong table/darts board/snooker table so the kids couldn’t have been happier!

I’m so sorry things were like this for you. I completely agree - he should have done better as an adult to meet her where she is as a child (sounds like this had been her entire life).

Also very sad to read mothers on here reinforcing that message that she's a 'bit much'. There is NOTHING wrong with her. It doesn't matter if she had ADHD or if it's purely personality or a bit of both - the point is that the problem is her dad, not her.

I'm surprised at the number of posters siding with your dh on this. Personally, I think your dd sounds lovely. Of course I understand how different personality types can rub up against each other, and - as an introvert with an extrovert dd who has ADHD, I totally get that kids can be annoying.

But what you are telling us is that your dh rarely has a good word to say about or to your dd, and I'm amazed at posters ignoring that. As parents, we are surely supposed to love our kids and see the good in them. Yes, we also have to recognise and act on their annoying parts, in order to help them glide through life and to optimise our own interactions with them, but there are ways of doing that lovingly, without brutal character assassinations.

It sounds as though everybody would be happier if your DH wasn't there. Did he find DD1 annoying when she was younger, or is this something new? He actually sounded disappoiinted that she got really good grades in her GCSEs as he told her that he expected her to fail so she proved him completely wrong.

Do you enjoy being married to him? He doesn't sound like much fun, even setting aside his rejection of DD1. You sound kind and empathetic with equal love for your three, very diffferent, children who I'm sure can all be annoying sometimes in their different ways.

This xc

Sounds like your DH is slightly on the autistic side (chess, history, limited interests, gladly went to his elderly parents in lockdown, quiet predictable routines)
and your DD borderline ADHD, easily distracted, constantly on the go, lots of interests, very chatty, like a tap gushing water that doesn’t have an off setting), so these two are going to clash slightly.

I’d ask your DH as a responsible adult to understand she’s happy like this and she’ll get plenty of knocks in life as she grows up, she doesn’t need her dad knocking her down. Let others do that and be there to pick up the pieces.

I love DH, we get on well most of the time but this is probably attributed to my interests being similar to his. Admittedly I’d never try to talk to him about a book I’m reading or a tv show I’m watching as I just know he wouldn’t care.

He’s never really bonded with DD, she was very active even as a toddler which was a bit of a shock to the system after DS who was super chill and placid. DD showed an interest in sports quite early too and DH made it clear when I first enrolled her in a gymnastics class that if she was going to be sporty that would be my responsibility. DS only ever did swimming for sports which DH could handle as a “life skill”. When DD2 was born DH immediately became very protective of her, DD1 never really got that from him.

So much going on in this thread.

I don’t think you should have shown the thread to your son. If my mum had posted about me when I was a teenager and a bunch of strangers piled on and slated me, I wouldn’t want one of my siblings to know (when i didn’t). That’s not fair on anyone.

I don’t know why people are fixating on ADHD. Your daughter might have some traits but she doesn’t sound like she is struggling or suffering socially or academically. I have ADHD and ASD and things have always been a struggle. I mask a lot but there will still be signs. If it’s not negatively impacting on her life then it’s probably not ADHD in the first place, and it doesn’t really matter. Someone else finding you annoying and too much doesn’t mean neurodivergence.

As for her personality, yes she’s annoying to your husband and probably would be to a lot of people, but clearly she isn’t to her friends and boyfriend and other family members. The videos are very me me me but she’d probably make a good influencer because there are lots of people online who love to listen to someone talking about random stuff.

I am here to say your DD sounds so lovely - that her first reaction when finding something interesting to her, is to record it and send to you, and am a bit puzzled why others have jumped on the, 'she sounds a bit much,' band wagon.

Your DH has the problem by viewing her behaviour as, 'annoying,' and vocalising it to her.

At 16 she will be able to differentiate your parenting styles, so maybe is the time you need to not put on a united front, i.e. if she send you a video, tell her you loved it and if DH comments something negatively, make it clear that he's the one with the issue.

he does need to realise that he is pushing her away and while she may tolerate it now, is doing damage.

I'd be sad too

I hope dh takes her up on those offers! She sounds way more mature than him and trying to find ways to connect with her dad.

How sad. Would you not even pretend to take an interest in something your children wanted to talk to you about?

He does sometimes, so at least that is something.

DD is great at finding mutual interests with anyone or at least putting an effort into finding something they can both do. A few weeks ago we left her and DD2 home alone and DD1 planned a whole day out for them totally off her own back including going to a pottery painting place which isn’t really DD1s thing but is absolutely DD2s, going to DD2s favourite restaurant and letting DD2 “shop from her wardrobe” (DD2 loves to steal her sisters clothes). DD2 is still mentioning it as she had such a great time!

She sounds like a really lovely girl. I'm glad she has people who appreciate her even if her dad doesn't. His loss.

says who?

in the real (not MN) adult world, chatty, enthusiastic extroverts are often incredibly popular and do well in life. If she's popular now in school, the chance that literally all her friends and family (apart from her father) will completely change their minds about her in a year or two seems pretty unlikely.

Think of the whole 'manic pixie dream girl' trope - some people found them annoying but they were still billed as the interesting main character/desirable romantic love interest, not the boring best friend side character.

As she grows older she probably will calm down slightly, but there's no reason she should be expected to change her personality entirely, when the vast majority of people in her life seem to like it.

The issue as I see it is that why you see your DDs prolonged story telling and convoluted explanations as part of her vibrant personality and accept it as part of the charm of who she is , her dad is reacting in the way that many other people outside the family will, finding the rambling stories hard to follow, showing impatience as she witters on, switching off and not actually listening to her.

She is 16, in the next few years she is going to be around people , studying and or working, who will not find these traits charming and vibrant, they will find her infuriating, think she is time wasting, become irritated by her etc. And while her dad loves her and understands that this is part of her - however irritating he finds her - others will be a lot more frank in assessing her to her face, judging her and telling her what they think in less than flattering terms. It will affect her working life and her social life as people are impatient of difference.

She needs to be told, gently, that she has to learn and recognise the relationships and social situations where her loquacious vibrancy is welcomed and enjoyed , but understand that in other situations she needs to be able to give accounts and information accurately and coherently.

By who? By curmudgeons? Maybe she's learning that as an adult she won't need to tolerate people like you.

She does not need to try to make everyone like her. She's 16 years old.

Look at you being loud and wrong.

a pick me is some one who constantly performs for the male gaze.

She sounds like me at her age. In retrospect I was annoying, and have later been diagnosed with ADHD.

Sounds like a typical grumpy bloke. They don't usually like anything outside their personal comfort zones, or that takes the attention away from them.