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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

728 replies

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 01:47

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

OP posts:
Addictedtohotbaths · 30/11/2025 10:51

She sounds lovely, so nice to be motivated to exercise, socialise, cook healthily and study, you must be very proud of her.

sittingonabeach · 30/11/2025 10:51

@GugiGi if your DD had a day at home, how would she be like. You say she is out most of the time, so don't see her much, but say she was ill and had to stay in, how would she be interacting with the family, and would this be different if your DH was there or not?

UndoRedo · 30/11/2025 10:52

I haven't read all the replies, only the OPs, so this has probably already been said...but you don't have a DD problem you have a DJ problem. Sounds like a prick, and/or autistic.

HoppingPavlova · 30/11/2025 10:52

all of us have to cope with every flavour of annoying at work

Exactly, and that’s why we don’t have to tolerate it at home.

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 10:53

MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/11/2025 10:47

Does your DD talk at you or to you when she's telling her tales with tangents? Is it a back and forth conversation or a monologue?

Back and forth if it’s a call or in person, obviously in the video it was just at us.

OP posts:
HighlyUnusual · 30/11/2025 10:54

OP- some of these comments are wild, and say very much about the posters and very little about the likely success of your daughter in the world.

I could be reading about one of my daughters. She is exactly like this! If anything, she's even more extra and does chatter on 24/7 and can go through phases of slightly manic behaviour where she's super-exuberant, very upbeat and so on. She is chatty, sociable, extremely clever, throws in random stuff, definitely gives monologues to her friends on the way home, loves life, laughs a lot and is very kind to others. She has been diagnosed with dyslexia, but has chosen not to bother with an ADHD diagnosis, even though we all agree she has it in our ND family.

Unlike as suggested here- she's very popular. People are drawn to upbeat, happy people, especially other young people. They find being around interesting people interesting. She has more friends than she knows what to do with and gets overwhelmed sometimes by the amount of invites (as she's not good at knowing when to say no). She is constantly asked out. She is a high achiever and gets good grades when she puts her mind to it.

Are some people mildly pissed off by her- yes, most likely! Not everyone is everyone else's taste, and out in the world, there might be people who avoid her, although they will be outnumbered by the ones who like being around clever, interesting, exuberant, outgoing people like her who often have great social skills (being able to hold a conversation about pretty much anything age 16 is a social skill highly valued amonst teens). But, and this is the big BUT, in her home and her relationship with her dad, it is terrible that he is basically so grindingly negative about her.

He is giving a terrible message to her which is about unacceptance, about not loving her the way she is- we need our parent on our sides in life, even if the parents do find some behaviour annoying. He's not required to watch the videos, he could even say 'oh I'm not watching a silly video about pigeons' to her and in a kind warm loving parental relationship that would be fine. But that's not what they've got-he's constantly critical of her to you, and doesn't engage with her at all exept to try to put her down.

The example of Neurenberg- this is a major new film! Your daughter is more socially skilled than him in knowing this and talking about it in a nuanced way which is more in line with contemporary historians. He's the dick here,

Videos on the way home: that's how young people communicate with each other- I thought it weird at first, but they send tiny clips or voice notes to each other and then the others send tiny clips back, it's like slightly delayed communication. She's communicating with you all on the group chat including her siblings, she's highly engaged with you as a family, this is good news, not sign she's a narcissist! If you want to avoid, don't watch.

I would be taking him out for a coffee, say you've noticed this, and if he says basically yes, I don't like her, I find her annoying- I'd give him a true piece of my mind, it's not enough to be part of a family, he personally as the dad needs to find ways to show her that he cares, that he loves her and accepts her, otherwise all this subtle and not so subtle criticism of her vs the others will come home to roost and she will go off to university and avoid coming home to see that look of disapproval on his face. This is honestly a big deal- women with good relationships with their dad do better in life and in their own relationships, call him on this and ask him what he can do to improve it (and it's not watching pigeon videos). I won't have my own children devalued in my house.

zingally · 30/11/2025 10:54

Hmmm... I can kind of see where dad is coming from.
She sounds like a bit of an annoying show-off. My family would laugh their heads off if I sent them 4 minutes of video that included me singing them a song and talking about pigeons.

I get that everyone thinks their DDs are wonderful, unique and precious, but she also sounds VERY intense.
She could also do with a bit of "Okay Amy, get to the point." Or "Crikey Jess, what on earth are you rabbiting on about?"

Long term, she won't do herself any favours if she can't get her point across quickly and succinctly.

UnintentionalArcher · 30/11/2025 10:54

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 08:15

Of course it’s annoying you if she is actually getting up in your face and talking through it. That’s not what DD is doing, she sent a video we could or could not watch at our leisure, which DS was replying to so if it did contain something urgent would have been picked up on.
She is perfectly capable of sitting still to watch a film, she channels all her energy productively into sports, or being active whilst in her own room where it doesn’t impact us.

Gosh I’m starting to feel like people are projecting here rather than reading what I’m actually saying.

I think some people are projecting. Reading what you’ve said, what stands out in your posts and some people’s responses is the idea of a personality clash. While this obviously can happen between a parent and child, what seems odd about some reponses is the idea that it would be ok for your husband to behave as you’ve described in response to his feelings of dislike. This is not a relationship of equals - they’re not friends or colleagues. He is her father, and short of her behaviour actually being unacceptable (as opposed to just different to his idea of normal) he should not be allowing his feelings to show to the degree you have described. I also think it would help him if he were open to actively seeking to find things he does like about her.

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 10:55

sittingonabeach · 30/11/2025 10:51

@GugiGi if your DD had a day at home, how would she be like. You say she is out most of the time, so don't see her much, but say she was ill and had to stay in, how would she be interacting with the family, and would this be different if your DH was there or not?

She would busy herself with tv/reading/films, she and I would chat, she would chat to DS and help DD2 with homework (she does this often). She would probably give DH a wide berth as would he with her, she might at most suggest to DH she had found a documentary/youtube video he might enjoy and ask if he wants to watch with her but that would be it.

OP posts:
Namechangedconfession · 30/11/2025 10:56

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 09:31

Can you please outline; considering all the ways she also does not meet the criteria why you are so certain?
You are taking the very few traits she does have and using them but ignoring all the ones she doesn’t have (she isn’t a day dreamer, she isn’t a perfectionist, she’s never struggled with friendships, has no issues with focus, no issues with organisation, doesn’t procrastinate, has lots of sustained long term hobbies etc.)
Having a handful of traits that are associated with someone who has adhd doesn’t mean she absolutely has it.

I probably am ADHD but I wouldn’t bother getting diagnosed in my 20s. If she’s coping well and has friends then that’s all that matters!

thepariscrimefiles · 30/11/2025 10:56

EasiestWayOut · 30/11/2025 10:31

By everyone? Sending multiple rambling videos and demanding everyone’s time won’t be tolerated.

There were four one-minute videos and her dad didn't need to watch any of them. She didn't demand anything.

Your posts make you sound deeply unpleasant about a 16 year old girl who is being totally rejected by her own father.

Imbrocator · 30/11/2025 10:57

Your daughter sounds fine. Your husband does not sound fine. Have you talked to him in depth about any of this? If he’s a otherwise decent dad who is a little myopic on some personal issues that lead him to respond to your daughter negatively, then his behaviour is something that should horrify him when it’s pointed out. This kind of favouritism and negative behaviour towards one of his children is really unpleasant; I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to witness.

Do you challenge it when he’s negative about her? How does he respond if so?

CrazyGoatLady · 30/11/2025 10:58

Daisrose · 30/11/2025 10:40

Nothing much to add but I have a best friend like this. She’s been a friend for decades, she was a delight and still is a delight. I think your dd sounds lovely and I think whilst dh is allowed to not feel compatible with her but he isn’t allowed to be an arse about it!

Honestly, this is the nail on the head. The issue isn't the DH's feelings, it's how it's being expressed and the fact he's taking no ownership of it and is just complaining.

As someone who has a son like this, it's at times lovely and at times exhausting for me as a more introvert leaning person. I have had to put limits on things like sending the TikTok-y videos and asking him to save those for his friends. If I let him be totally himself 24/7, he'd be downing soft drinks all day, blasting YouTube and playing his drum kit at 1am, so there have to be limits! Not suggesting OP's DD is like this, but it is OK to have some boundaries and compromise. The issue in OP's situation is the DH is framing this as a DD problem, not a "we are different and we are clashing, what can we do" problem.

Autumngirl5 · 30/11/2025 10:59

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 10:51

I had been out for dinner with friends and had, had a few glasses of wine, she knew I was doing this and said she would be fine to walk, I offered her money for a taxi or uber but she continued to insist she’d be fine walking, I did transfer the money so it was there if she changed her mind but she decided to walk anyway. DH doesn’t drive as he has epilepsy.

My youngest daughter used to call me if she was walking home and chat about everything under the sun. She still does sometimes and she’s 40! I think it is a comfort thing and quite endearing. She knows I am the one person she can call and I will always listen.

cambiotica · 30/11/2025 11:00

Well, I find these full on 'vibrant' types a bit draining after a while but that has nothing to do with the OP's situation. The DD is 16, still developing and learning. Her amount of activity does sound manically energetic and I wonder if she'll always be like that - fine when you're young but potentially an issue in some situations as she ages.
The dad really can't treat one of his children this way. I don't doubt he loves her but finds some of her character traits and behaviour difficult. What he should not be doing is being so openly critical and negative about her and to her. Is there nothing they could do together where they'd get along? They need to bond more and he needs to rein in his disapproval.

sittingonabeach · 30/11/2025 11:01

@GugiGi if it had been DS walking home late at night and he had tried to FaceTime do you think your DH would have picked up?

user1492809438 · 30/11/2025 11:01

It doesn't matter if your DD is ADHD or any other diagnosis, your DH is a mean and spiteful man to a child and you should tell him so. He is NOT a good father, no parent should treat any child so cruelly. Ask him if he has ever done or said anything nice to her, I'll bet he struggles to think of anything.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/11/2025 11:02

RedToothBrush · 30/11/2025 10:10

I'd still be asking some big questions about why she was coming up with that as a question.

Because she has an enquiring, intelligent, nuanced mind. And it’s A reallly interesting topic that historians and philosophers are still debating. It has massive implications in today’s world. Maybe that’s why 🤷‍♀️

This reminds me of being called a fascist for reading a biography of Oswald Moseley in 1988 when I was writing my thesis on British inter-war politics. Utterly ridiculous!

TediousMansplainer · 30/11/2025 11:02

Your DD sounds great. And IMHO the fact that she communicates with her parents about her life is something to be happy about. From the sound of it I don't think she needs to change to fit in with other people's expectations! During the rest of her life there will be always some people who find her annoying and many others who will really love her for who she is. And that's OK.

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 11:03

sittingonabeach · 30/11/2025 11:01

@GugiGi if it had been DS walking home late at night and he had tried to FaceTime do you think your DH would have picked up?

Oh I’m not sure! DS is rarely out loud and probably would call DD or myself before calling DH. When he was in halls he was forever calling DD, I used to joke it was like he’d never left as I’d go to check on DD and he’d be on FaceTime to her.

DH would generally answer DS’s calls though but I’m not sure we’ve ever been in a situation where it’s happened.

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 11:04

Your DH sounds like a cruel man. He seems jealous of her, fancy making that nasty comment about gcses.
I was just like your daughter as a kid( i do think i have adhd as i do struggle with certain things). Your daughter just seems to have a zest for life
My step dad continually put me down and made horrible.commemts,it ended up quashing my whole personality and zest for life. Dont let him do this to her..
Also as she is so trusting and sweet make sure no boyfriends take advantage of her.
You husband sounds boring and nasty

Coffeeishot · 30/11/2025 11:05

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 10:55

She would busy herself with tv/reading/films, she and I would chat, she would chat to DS and help DD2 with homework (she does this often). She would probably give DH a wide berth as would he with her, she might at most suggest to DH she had found a documentary/youtube video he might enjoy and ask if he wants to watch with her but that would be it.

So she wants to engage with her dad and share his interests but he just finds her irritating, what a shame she sounds in tune with the people around her and emotionally mature, you must be really proud of her even if she has silly moments and yaps on about pigeons.

Mamma1355 · 30/11/2025 11:08

OP don’t feel you have to defend her to randoms on the internet who are picking apart your posts - it’s not worth your time. She sounds lovely and I wouldn’t want to squash her personality, especially if she is happy and DH is the only one to be annoyed. DH needs to point out to her when he needs quiet or space. And he needs to step up as a parent and take an interest in your DD.

TicklishReader · 30/11/2025 11:09

GugiGi · 30/11/2025 10:11

I’ve mentioned this post to my DS, DDs in her room.

He laughed at some of the responses saying he doesn’t know anyone who doesn’t like her, she was incredibly popular in school and she’s not actually annoying, just chatty. He said it’s absurd people are saying she sounds insufferable when the only person he knows who thinks that is DH!

She sounds like a lovely kid. It's a shame her father is so disappointing.

I'm sorry posters on this thread have taken such pleasure in insulting your DD.

sittingonabeach · 30/11/2025 11:10

@GugiGi how was family life like in lockdown?