DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Has she been checked for ADHD, as it’s really draining for those that have to listen to the 24/7 non stop chatter about things that don’t interest them?

Where did I say anything about her chatting 24/7?

I just had to read my OP back to check I wasn’t going crazy! I never said that?

Why are so many people making things up and projecting?

Nothing much to add but I have a best friend like this. She’s been a friend for decades, she was a delight and still is a delight. I think your dd sounds lovely and I think whilst dh is allowed to not feel compatible with her but he isn’t allowed to be an arse about it!

This is so sad. Your DH is acting like a knob. I read somewhere that it takes something like nine positive comments from a parent to counterbalance one negative remark, - your husband needs to work on getting that balance right! All your daughter will take into adulthood will be a constant wish to please him. My father was wonderful, and the very very few negative remarks that he made to me really stand out in my memory. All your daughter has is a sad grey mass of negative comments to remember. The father-daughter relationship is so important, and has long-lasting effects into adulthood and adult relationships. Your DH is an absolute prick. He sounds pretty boring too.

I agree it’s very odd.

DS has ADHD so sounds like your daughter. He is an absolute joy and we love him to bits, but boy can he be annoying. We do try to gently temper him to remind him to be mindful of people around him, we all have to learn how to communicate and live with others.

Why have you started this thread then, other than hoping everyone will tell you your daughter is amazing?

Going slightly off tangent, is there a reason neither of you picked her up last night? Not sure I would like 16yo doing 40 minute walk on their own at night, or was she mainly with friends?

I would too to be honest. My 20 year old dd I feel can be a bit much sometimes, never stops talking, going on about friendship dramas, tik tok videos. I kind of switch off ( but never say anything negative) but dh is endlessly patient and I feel guilty then. I think it's just an age thing for some.

You wouldn’t think it from the comments but my post was actually about DH complaining about DD, not about DD or her personality. Not entirely sure how it turned into a pile on DD when that wasn’t actually what I asked but here we are, that is Mumsnet for you!

She sounds fun and like she will do interesting things with her life. Wonder if the pp bitching about an extrovert teenager on this thread enjoy any actors or comedians, and would have told teenage Robin Williams he was an attention seeking waste of time. Pretty sure many funny people we all appreciate didn’t spend their teenage years learning how to moderate their tone to discuss chess with a disapproving father.

This is concerning. So your dh’s critical and negative opinion and treatment of dd is obvious for all to see?

You are horrible. Have you been checked for lack of empathy and common sense?
OP’s daughter sounds a lovely engaging young lady to be proud off. Why do so many people want to pin labels on everyone?

I was meant to quote this in my last post.

OP was asking “AIBU to be upset that DH finds DD annoying” it literally says that on the first post and the title. She didn’t come on here expecting fully grown women to rip her daughters personality to shreds or to (incorrectly) diagnose her

I only come on here a couple of times a month and each time I do I come off it asking what the fuck is wrong with people

@GugiGi if you had posted that your DH constantly puts your DD down and indeed appears to dislike her, and that everyone else in the family knows this, then you might have got different answers from the start.

Does your DD talk at you or to you when she's telling her tales with tangents? Is it a back and forth conversation or a monologue?

Agreed. Character clashes in families are normal. How you deal with that as a parent is a marker of who you are. DH is choosing to be sniping, mean-spirited and critical in a completely unproductive and un-self-reflective way.

Not quite.
OP’s husband says that he finds her annoying. He (and you) don’t get to dictate some gospel about who she is.

there is 2:1 ratio here of people who say she actually seems lovely.

And ‘won’t be tolerated’ by whom, the happiness police? all of us have to cope with every flavour of annoying at work.

She is perfect at school, has loads of friends, has no trouble keeping them, who does she have to worry about?

Exactly. Classic Mumsnet! You sound like a great mum and it’s hard work trying to keep everyone happy. You shouldn't have to manage your husband’s relationship with your Dc, that’s on him. Try to talk with him about it as it’s important he doesn’t damage her self esteem. I work with lots of chn that have adhd and your DD doesn’t sound like them, not that it makes me an expert as I am not. She just sounds like an extrovert teenager.

Yes. But you have to know MN to know how to phrase this stuff to avoid triggering the AIBU crowd.

She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us

Fucking hell, I couldn’t be doing that. If my kids did that I’d ask them why they were calling and they could fill me in when they got home (and that I didn’t give two fucks about the pigeon), and if I knew I was in for that when they got in the door, I’d make myself busy/unavailable as I just couldn’t live like that.

I think your daughter sounds delightful and acting as a 16 year old should as she's still a child.
It's your husband that needs to grow up and realise he has a well adjusted daughter.

I had been out for dinner with friends and had, had a few glasses of wine, she knew I was doing this and said she would be fine to walk, I offered her money for a taxi or uber but she continued to insist she’d be fine walking, I did transfer the money so it was there if she changed her mind but she decided to walk anyway. DH doesn’t drive as he has epilepsy.