DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Ultimately if it’s been pointed out to him and he chooses not to change then there’s not really much you can do. My dad is kind of like this (although in his case almost certain undiagnosed autism plays a big part) and I have very little to do with him as an adult. It’s just the way he is and he was never going to have the level of insight needed to change.

Taking it upon himself to imagine your daughter doing something totally harmless like moving about in her private bedroom and getting annoyed. He's annoyed with her for doing something he has conjured up in his head. Wtf? That sounds like contempt towards someone he thinks he ought to be able to control. The favouritism towards your other children is a terrible message both for her and for them. OP you must take this seriously. He needs to do some proper work on this with a therapist and you could do with some support to work this through too. Your DH has not one good thing to say about your DD but plenty of bad things. That is damaging and he needs to work out why he feels the need to do it.

Posting on my phone as this site keeps freezing on my laptop.

DH listens to me talk to him about books I'm reading and writing He often calls me over to watch a video (just as I'm about to sit down with a glass of wine with Strictly or something) of a cargo plane taking off vertically 😅. We all have our quirks and interests (we do bond over other things) and occasionally annoy one another but there is no reprobation or dislike.

It wasn't a 10 minute video FFS. OP says that the entire length of the videos were about 4 minutes so it probably actually was about 30 seconds about the pigeon. It's really weird and gross how grown women find the mere idea of a vibrant young woman so threatening? annoying that they will ridiculously twist a narritive to make this poor girl the bad guy

She sounds adorable. My daughter is similar, though not as ‘extra’ as yours. I admire her resilience and determination and chutzpah enormously.

4 minutes is hardly a long time. People sit on the toilet for 4 minutes!

Have you even read any of the OP's posts?
Why are you making things up?
It doesn't say anywhere that she monopolises her parent's time or that they are spending all their attention on her.

Maybe try working on your reading comprehension or were you in such a hurry to be mean to a teenager and show how superior you are that you couldn't be bothered to read properly?

That’s your opinion. Others are allowed 🙄

A slightly annoying teenager versus a father that doesn't love his own daughter. and puts her down at every conceivable opportunity. I know whose side I am on.

Her own brother has said that he doesn't know anyone that doesn't like his sister apart from their dad. That is a savage indictment of the dad, not his sister.

Yes I agree with this. My dad rejected me completely from the age of about 10. It was because I started to question his abusive behaviour towards my mum and his dictatorial attitude in general. Although I’d didn’t recognise it at the time the rejection had a profound effect.

Whether she’s objectively annoying or not (I think she sounds lovely), ‘going in a mood’ because your daughter sent a too long video is an over reaction. Does he ‘go in a ‘mood’ about a lot of things?

FFS 😕just when you think this godforsaken site couldn't get any worse, it hits a new low

I have young adult children with ADHD (amd other things) and she doesn't sound like them. The lack of ability to plan and organise are huge problems for them.

Her father may not like her but he needs to recognise this and 'own' it. He finds her annoying and has no belief in her abilities but that's his problem. He should not be treating her badly even if they don't get on. It sounds like he is jealous of her intellectual ability. You can't make him like her though he can be quiet about how annoying she is if it just him that thinks it.

He does sound like he has quite rigid views.

Tolerated by whom? If I find you annoying will you change to suit me? DH is annoying, why hasn’t he learned to change?

So everyone in the family knows that dad doesn't like her @GugiGi

By everyone? Sending multiple rambling videos and demanding everyone’s time won’t be tolerated.

Yeah, that’s really sad for DD.

That’s so sad. How are your relationships with your dad and db now?

Where did you get the idea she is demanding anyone’s time, let alone everyone’s?

Why are you just making things up?
You’ve never even met my DD and seem to have a deep dislike of her? She’s 16! Luckily I don’t think my DD would care much either way if someone as mean spirited and inclined to bully a teenager as you, could tolerate her or not, as she wouldn’t tolerate you!

You are not everyone. You annoy me, what would your response be to my demand you change?

Many teens and indeed adults are making videos these days, it’s just a fad, there’s no obligation to watch them.

I think she sounds amazing and someone who is going to have a fulfilling and interesting life. It is so lovely to see how much you love her from the way you describe her. I think she sounds ace and you sound like a brilliant mum.

Quite.

I have one co worker with performative gusto.

She’s always loud, enthusiastic, pushy, exhibiting her uber zest for life. Everything is “Awesome!” She’s always “on.”

No one doubts that she’s a good person but no one can stand being around her, either. She’s very draining and energy-sucking.

All these people on team DH “yeah I’d find her annoying too”.

she’s not his colleague, she’s his bloody daughter. He sounds unbearably self centred. I hope DD doesn’t take his behaviour towards her too personally. I personally would LTB if he couldn’t play his part in providing a supportive accepting home environment for his teenage child.

Me too and surely any other caring loving parent would

to make sure their child is ok

i really hope he didn’t look and ignore as if did then even a bigger issue you have iyswim

Yep - my DD sounds very similar to OPs, at 21 she has cut her DF out of her life after he behaved a lot like OPs DH through her teen years. He is shocked, shocked I tell you, that she refuses to have anything to do with him anymore and he doesn’t want to can’t understand it of course 🙄 despite her articulating it very clearly to him.

@GugiGi your daughter sounds wonderful and I hope she never shrinks herself to fit your DHs ideals. Honestly, home should be your soft place to land - the world outside will chip away at your confidence soon enough. If your own family is doing that too, where do you go for safety and reassurance? Kids especially need to feel like they’re wanted and enjoyed. That doesn’t mean parents have to be perfect, but basic kindness and warmth should be the bare minimum. You clearly see and value your daughter’s great qualities - she’s lucky to have a mum who appreciates her for who she is.