DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I'd still be asking some big questions about why she was coming up with that as a question.

I think there are some strange responses on here OP.
people tend to react negatively to people speaking highly of their children (and I know you have been forced by your husband and by the thread to be defensive) and seeing peoole
say ‘well, she DOES sound annoying’ as though that justifies a parent conveying their annoyance is sad.

Clearly your daughter can sit still and focus. Her educational success are testimony to this. She clearly can engage in reciprocal relationships - she has friends and a boyfriend.
she can engage in sport and is energetic and dedicated.
Some people are very curious about others -
like you said she is- and also enjoying sharing their inner mind and observations etc.
It seems she has never been in trouble or you’ve never noticed her being really inappropriate as to when she does this ie. Talking incessantly about herself to a shopkeeper. Seems she knows her family is one of those spaces where she can just share sometimes. And with you she can.
Also, I really don’t think there has to be a point to every story and every story doesn’t have to be a story. That is a criteria for certain relationships but I don’t have that with my husband for example.

thing is, in a dynamic like with a married couple sometimes when one person carries a certain energy the other person is pushed then carry the other. As your husband carries the critical energy towards your daughter you get pushed more and more towards defending her and the positive. But it also means that as you are pushed to me more positive he will also find it hard to be - as you do all of that. So it becomes a dynamic

I would try and talk to him but it depends how open and reflective he is. I suspect it is too painful to admit that he has a part to play. But I wouldn’t let the idea that ‘she is annoying’ be allowed to pass without comment. Everytime I’d add ‘to you, she is annoying to you’. She is not universally annoying.
also, it seems she is age appropriate on everything - all children and adults can act their age at school or with friends and then at home revert sometimes to a younger side of themselves. It’s bloody healthy

Your daughter sounds fun but also tiring and pretty intense. I think it’s actually terrible advice to give to a child to make videos incessantly and talk on FaceTime on a walk home. You should be focussed on your surroundings surely and not calling everyone you know to chat with you when you’re walking? I think she sounds very, very tiring to someone who is more of an introvert.

BUT - of course a parent shouldn’t constantly be putting down one of their children. There are bits I find easier and harder with both my kids and I very much try to focus on the positives. My son loves sports and video games and I find both pretty boring but I nod along

I think parents and children aren’t always going to mesh together - that’s just life. And your daughter is either high energy or perhaps ADHD and that can be really tricky for someone who likes a quiet and calm life. My brother has ADHD and I’m a bit of an introvert and I can only cope with him in small doses. It’s just hard for follow his trains of thought and he never ever just… sits. It’s constant movement and constant talking and constant fidgeting and after a couple hours of it I need a break. I love him and appreciate him and think he’s interesting and fabulous, but for my own mental wellbeing I need some calm time too. So I see all the sides in this one.

I think maybe worth asking your husband if there’s something he likes about your daughter - something they could do together (a sport? Mini golf or bowling?) and then give him some grace to check out when he needs to. He clearly cannot cope with this every single day but he should put some effort into finding something he can enjoy with each of his children.

I’ve mentioned this post to my DS, DDs in her room.

He laughed at some of the responses saying he doesn’t know anyone who doesn’t like her, she was incredibly popular in school and she’s not actually annoying, just chatty. He said it’s absurd people are saying she sounds insufferable when the only person he knows who thinks that is DH!

I’m finding some of these responses baffling. He’s her FATHER. He’s the ADULT. If he finds her energy too much then it’s up to him to find a KIND way to deal with this. It’s also up to him to find ways to engage with her and demonstrate how much he loves and appreciates her, just like his other children - or is his love conditional on his kids conforming to the things he likes? He seems like the fourth teenager in your household and a bit of an idiot, frankly. OP your daughter sounds lovely.

Where on earth are you getting the idea that she monopolises her parent's time?! Because she sent 4 minutes of video clips that were optional watching? Because she asked her dad one question about history, a topic that he is especially interested in probably in a desperate attempt to connect with him?

Stop fabricating a narritive just so that you can attack a child. OP has in no way suggested that her dd is monopolising their time

Are both your daughter and husband ND? To me she sounds lovely. Id hate the idea of trying to tone anyone down.

I think she sounds fabulous and great company. Sorry your DH doesn’t appreciate her.

Thus thread alone shows how annoying people like me and her can be. We do try very hard not to be, it's hard, but please next time you get irritated, do think about some of the positive traits.

They are likely the ones to organise the things you find it easier not to yourself. They will make plans when you xant be bothered. They will seek and find the solutions when tou are faced with problems and can't see the trees from the wood.

So sometimes, Tey to rein in your irritability and use your patience skills. They don't do it to annoy you.

My dd is 15 and sounds a lot like your dd, sporty, always being out with friends and doing lots of activities like football, army cadets and DofE and

omg the long stories that go off on side quests! 😆

It drives me insane sometimes and inside I am screaming, especially because she will do it while I'm trying to watch something on tv or when it's time to go to bed, and it really annoys her brother because we will be watching a film and she will burst in and start telling me some story about what happened in history at school or something.

So I can sympathise a little bit with your dh about the stories, but it's absolutely terrible that he puts her down all the time and never says anything good about her. It's absolutely terrible parenting and so sad for your daughter.

I tell myself that it's good that my dd wants to share what's going in in her life and is really open with me and I tell her all the time that I'm really proud of her.

I would go mad at your husband if I was you. It's unacceptable the way he treats her.
You said he's never bonded with her or been interested in her, but you stayed with him and had another child?
I couldn't live with someone who treated one of my kids like that.

Hard agree

She sounds like a lot.

I found my daughter properly annoying at that age. Men are shits though, just leave him to it, his fault when she’s a lovely adult and she gives him a few home truths. Start calling him out in front of her if he puts her down. I do that with mine and I did it with my ex so the kids could see what their Dad is actually like. I think it’s common for men to be annoyed by their kids, my Dad always was annoyed by us even though we were so well behaved.

She sounds fabulous. Teenage years are a time for joy and exuberance. I wonder what your relationship with your husband is like? Are you still each other's best friend? Could he be jealous or even feel intimidated by her? (I know that sounds crazy, but she sounds like she's an all round "ten").
I totally agree that he should not be putting her down, but maybe you could open communication lines so he can have a burst on his banjo about her to you, privately, and not be judged for it?

Amateur psychology hour here... is she more like you?

I wish you all good luck with this. You must be a good parent to have raised such lovely children.

They were speaking about them in school?

She then did further study and watched some documentaries about the denazification of Germany and Nuremberg Trials, then spoke to her dad about as he has an interest in war history.

You’re getting a lot of “you must be wrong” from others, so I’m going to assume everything you’re saying is accurate.

You should (when DD is not around) outright ask your DH what his problem is. You may find some insight into what seems an unreasonable dislike of his daughter. Try to listen openly to what he says and try to think if this might be a common reaction to her behaviours. If he has no insight (or no reasonable insight), he should go to therapy.

Sometimes people dislike someone because they remind them of some other person who hurt them or was in some way bad news. It’s not necessarily rational, but feelings aren’t necessarily rational. If it’s his problem he should deal with it because of course it will end up affecting your DD.

Maybe if your DD held off posting raw videos which unfortunately a huge trend, and instead learned to edit and make a polished version? Maybe the ten minute pigeon video would have been more appealing if it had been a 30 second video that maybe was posted later that day or the next day, and was short and snappy. It sounds as though your DD is using the videos and so forth as a live diary and it truly can be a bit much especially if others are a little time-pressed and have other things going on.

The relationship tour DD has with your DH is another matter.

I wonder if you should flip the narrative OP and worry if your DD likes DH?

@BadSkiingMum ’Is this considerate towards others?’ would be a useful starting point.

And would that not be a good starting point for DH whom you don’t mention in your post which is mainly about yourself?

You make some insightful points, but the issue here is friction between 2 personalities and your advice is only that the young female should change.

DH equally could do with being more considerate of DD and some self-reflection on why is being actively unpleasant to one of his children.

She’s annoying though and needs to learn that as an adult this won’t be tolerated

why on earth would you tell your son this? He will probably tell your daughter.

I hope she goes to university and never returns. I don’t know how you can stand your husband. He sounds horrible

I think she sounds lovely!

I’m not sure why so many posters feel she needs a diagnosis of ADHD, even if she does have it. It isn’t hindering her productivity or achievements in any way, it doesn’t seem to limit her in the slightest - perhaps it even helps her multitask!? Her personality may be more exuberant than others, but we’re all different and the more introverted are just as responsible for being kind and accepting of differences, whilst working on their feelings to politely accommodate others.

I agree with some of the kinder comments about gently reminding her that her dad doesn’t have the patience that you do for her lively and vivid storytelling, but he is the adult here and wanting to maker her smaller than she is doesn’t come across as a loving parent. I would gently suggest to him that you are concerned he comes across as overly critical and negative towards her, and don’t want him to inadvertently crush her spirit.

She’ll soon develop the life skills to realise that not everyone likes her and that’s ok, and that sometimes we have to squash ourselves a little to fit in, but I’m not sure she should have to do that quite so much at home…

Disagree.

The ethical question is more about why the British have never done much in schools about the Boer War etc.

Not the other way around.

We have to live as a society and get along with others. It isn’t going to damage her to learn that she can sometimes annoy

I nearly said something similar… it’s unlikely that she’ll choose to spend time with her dad as she grows up, so either he learns to love and accept tolerate his child or he’ll lose her.

My young teenage daughter hasn’t seen her dad in over two years.