DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

OP I've basically said this already but feel like it needs saying again because people are still saying ADHD every other post. Please don't even go there with suggesting this to your daughter. You've had her assessed. She's said herself that she found the first assessment hurtful and like you were saying there was something wrong with her. Nothing you're saying sounds like she is neurodivergent and she's coping with life absolutely fine. She doesn't need a diagnosis. She doesn't in any way fit the criteria for a diagnosis. Seeking a diagnosis will only reenforce the idea that she's the one with the problem because she doesn't meet her dad's very rigid ideals. Tbh based on what you've said I hope she spreads her wings, goes to university or gets a job in a vibrant city, makes lots of friends, finds a partner who loves and respects her for exactly who she is and makes a family with them. Basically I hope in a few years I hope her dad is nothing but an insignificant footnote in her otherwise amazing life.

She does sound pretty annoying. You can love someone and not like them🤷‍♂️

She sounds absolutely amazing, OP. What a blessing to have her as a daughter. If only more people carried this joy with them. Your husband sounds like an absolute prick.

I hope his criticism/jealousy or whatever is at the root of it is not going to knock out of her who she is to try and fit in with his impossible expectations.

Oh she’s focused just fine. She achieves well at school and is polite and hardworking.

This man dislikes her… when she is doing it in her room.
Out of his sight, and it still isn’t enough for him?

Your sneering “Main Character Syndrome” is just another version of “Better to be silent and thought a fool than open one’s mouth and leave all doubt” or “Empty Vessels” - it’s driven by spite, and resentment. You resent other people’s joie de vivre, so shit over it, to shut them up, and let them know that their happiness makes you angry. Yuck!

It's weird how many presumably older women here are so nasty about a young, vibrant, happy girl. Jealousy?

She sounds brilliant op. Yeah she could be annoying i guess - my dc are audhd and i get irritated sometimes because I'm AUDHD too and need my quiet time - so i create time away from them because if they're being hyper, they literally can't help it and nor should they have to - they aren't doing anything wrong and nor is your dd. Maybe she just needs to stop trying to involve her dad in the things she finds interesting as clearly he doesn't want to know.

Your post does scream adhd, and it does usually become more apparent around puberty especially in women and girls but you say shes been assessed... Sometimes they make mistakes. Whether she's ADHD, or just a bright vibrant young woman, as women with adhd are as worthy of love and care as the next person, so is your dd. Your husband might crush her spirit if he carries on.

She sounds like a lovely, joyful girl. Your DH needs to make more effort, he sounds miserable and selfish.

It doesn't sound as though OP's DH loves his daughter at all though. He is a self-centred prick who can't deal with a child that isn't like him in any way. He sounds dull, boring and unpleasant, the opposite of his elder daughter.

I agree with not getting her assessed again, but saying she doesn't fit the criteria in any way isn't correct - there's a reason so many people are talking about it here and it's because she very much does fit the criteria for how it can appear in women and girls.

This has touched a nerve with me - your DD sounds like me when I was a teenager. I was always full of enthusiasm and energy and curiosity - and I annoyed the bejezus out of my mother, who clearly disliked me. Being disliked by your own mother - or father - has a profoundly damaging effect. I have never got over trying to please her, even now, when she is long dead.

Are you a professional in ND?

Yes.

So she fits the criteria because she prefers to be active and has verbal diarrhoea from time to time?! No wonder ADHD services are so overstretched then because that describes pretty much every teenage girl in existance 🤣

I would also find her annoying. She seems overly energetic? No wonder she gets on your DH's nerves

Does she have some kind of health disorder?

Or is all this activity a way of controlling to get more attention and rule the roost?

I'd much rather spend time with someone like OP's daughter than someone like her husband or some of the sneering, miserable posters on this thread.

In what capacity? What do you think the assessor got wrong?

She sounds insufferable.

You are her mother so you can’t see what everyone else sees.

🤷‍♂️ Isn’t actually good enough from a parent.

What is the use of loving someone inside your own head when the “not liking them” is what they actually experience?
That shrugged “don’t like them” is telling your children very very clearly that you do not value the relationship with them, and it wouldn’t bother you if they just fucked off.

It seems to me that OP’s daughter is getting plenty of not being liked and very little being loved. You might think it’s totally fine parenting. I don’t.

Spot on! I think I would find DD annoying too. She needs to develop some awareness of the wishes of other people rather than assuming everyone will automatically be interested in whatever she wants to ramble on about. We expect such self-centred behaviour from young children, but not from a 16-year-old.

Do you think that finding her annoying justifies you as her parent treating her badly? Presumably Yes.

OP please take this thread down . Horrible posters calling your Dd names. You don’t need to hear from the armchair experts.

Can you please outline; considering all the ways she also does not meet the criteria why you are so certain?
You are taking the very few traits she does have and using them but ignoring all the ones she doesn’t have (she isn’t a day dreamer, she isn’t a perfectionist, she’s never struggled with friendships, has no issues with focus, no issues with organisation, doesn’t procrastinate, has lots of sustained long term hobbies etc.)
Having a handful of traits that are associated with someone who has adhd doesn’t mean she absolutely has it.

She sounds fab, OP.

OP, I think she sounds like a breath of fresh air! There are some rare lovely bubbly people about like that, and the way I see it is they bring sunshine to us.

I think it's your DH who has the issue, not your DD1! Has he ever considered being assessed for autism or other ND traits? My DH has become more intolerant as he has reached middle age - I guess many of us do, but I'm starting to notice it more and more in him. He hasn't been assessed for anything, but almost certainly has misophonia, plus I feel he's just becoming so dogmatic and fixed in how he thinks things should be. Anyway, enough about my DH, but yes I think it's your DH's intolerance that is the issue and is what should be focussed on.

You mentioned that the videos on the walk home were probably for her safety. Does DH realise that?

I think a proper talk between you and your DH would be beneficial. He ought to know how sad this is making you, and how his attitude could have life-long implications on your DD1.

I don’t get the not showing any signs of ADHD before 12 thing. It’s well known girls tend to mask more than boys and hence tend to get diagnosed later.

I don’t know many 16yo who get up at 5am.

Maybe your DD still masks a lot because of your DH’s attitude towards her.

Do you think she realises he doesn’t like her?

However, I would wonder whether there is ND in a few members of your family, just showing in different ways.