DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Your daughter sounds fabulous OP, as do your other two; unapologetically themselves!

Your DH on the other hand sounds mean spirited, insecure and unaccepting. How can he be so critical of her uniqueness?

This would make him very unattractive to me. Does he not realise the impact it could have on her long-term to know that her dad doesn't like or admire her?

I know a similar family dynamic with personalities the other way round; the child is introverted and academic anole the dad is gregarious and out there. He is constantly trying to force the child to be like him. Your children are people in their own rights, not extensions of you.

I'm sorry I have no useless advice but I understand why you're sad.

I'm going to have to stop reading this thread as watching loads of apparently grown women being total cunts about a child is so horrible.

This is exactly the sort of posting that should be cracked down on, it goes way past robust. I hope some of you don't have children.

I’m going to speak to him today as all the children are due to be out/at friends.
I haven’t figured out exactly what I’m going to say but I think im just absolutely fed up of DH always putting DD down. I imagine he will get defensive though!

I do really appreciate everyone saying they think she is lovely and obviously I agree!

It doesn't matter whose fault it is, if a kid is a dick to be around, they are a dick to be around.

And parents could have one lovely child and one dickhead, whose fault is that? Every kid has their own personality.

This! I love my two teenage sons unconditionally. That doesn't mean that I forego my role as a parent teaching them about how their behaviour can be interpreted by others.
Especially for DS1 15 y old who is autistic. While I find his authenticity refreshing and quite funny at times it's not going to help him in life if I don't explain how his behaviour is coming across to others.ex. A neighbour tells him he's getting so tall and then asks him if he hears that alot. He says yes. She then says that she will get on with things so as not to bore him. He says OK, good bye and walks away. Luckily my neighbour knows him so we just looked at each other and laughed. But I still had to explain what would have been a more appropriate respons.
Or when he called his friend 100 times. He said he just kept calling until he answered because maybe he didn't hear the phone 😅. So I told him that once is enough and your friend will see the missed call and call back when he's available.
My point is it's not in our dcs interest to not explain to them when they are being annoying/rude/disruptive. And even if we think they are the best we must prepare them for living in a world where their behaviour will be judged.

I thought this she was just wanting a bit of company on the way home, do you think your husband ignored her ? She sounds lovely actually just a bit full on,

I have a full on dd she is an adult doesn't live here, but will share random streams of thoughts or constant memes or videos. She is worse when she is anxious I think it is how she cope.

I think she sounds lovely, your dh sounds jealous of her.

10000000% agree

I was going to say this also! I am diagnosed ADHD and she sounds exactly like me at that age

I feel sorry for you with your outlook on life.

People love to hate extraverted/different characters. She sounds lovely. She does not need to change or dull herself. Some people may find her too much, but that doesn't mean she needs to change. Lots of people will also like her. The world would be freaking dull if we were all the same. Not everyone has to be quiet and an observer.

I'm staggered by so many people defending the DH. It's one thing a stranger not being your cup of tea, but your love and support for your child should be unconditional. Putting down your child has consequences. Why would you want to impact the self esteem of someone confident and full of vibrancy?

OP, lots of people will like your daughter. She sounds fun, and the kind of person who will adopt shy introverts as her friend. I'm also very chatty, silly, and eccentric (I am neurodivergent!). I am positive some people won't like me, but generally, I am well loved at work, and have a lot of friends. She's not cruel or unkind, just herself, and that's okay.

So many people on this thread are being awful about a young woman because she's vibrant and confident. Fucking check yourselves and stop being so mean.

I think she sounds fabulous op. I’d like to spend time with her.

I think she sounds fantastic. In a world that is increasingly going in on itself with kids who don’t socialise like they used to and aren’t as active as they used to be, I’d be super proud to have a daughter who is growing up into what sounds like a very capable young woman with a healthy lifestyle. Don’t let your husband dull her sparkle, she won’t be with you forever and he needs to learn to appreciate her for what she is. The feminist in me is furious that so many people on here seem to think this young lady should adapt her natural character to appease a man because she’s ’too much’! The world is a tough place, tougher than ever before and she’s navigating her place and doing a great job. Let her shine

Yep she sounds very overwhelming.
Agree sounds like ADHD. One person’s quirky is another persons bloody annoying.

It seems like she always gets on his nerves. She will pick up on this and it will have a huge impact on her. She may not realise it yet but she will later.
My father was like this to me. My mother never stood up for me though.

So your DH prefers to communicate about his hobbies and special interests (chess and history) and is too rigid to cope with his exuberant DD? So he disparages her?

What are you going to do about him? Why have you not already challenged him?
I'd have lost the plot with him years ago and I'm married to a man with ASD, with an ASD DD and an ADHD DS. Not saying that anyone in your family has any diagnosis but no way would I let DH criticise one of ours for being themselves without challenging that.

I knew this 'diagnosis' was coming. She doesn't need a label or excuse.

I think your daughter sounds wonderful OP...what a breath of fresh air. We could all do with some of her positive energy and sunny demeanor. Tell your husband to keep it to himself (or let him know every single time he irritates you and see how he likes that). Having children is an honour and a privilege and having a child like your DD sounds truly incredible.

She sounds fabulous. And yes it does her no long term favours to feel disliked by her father who needs to do better.

I think she sounds like a breath of fresh air!

Tell your DH to wind his neck in!

I actually agree with those who have said she may have adhd. The description reminds me very much of my stepdaughter - but she has 'crashes' when she will withdraw for a while. She recharges, and bounces back. Adhd isn't 'defective' unless it creates challenges for the individual. In this case, the individual appears to be thriving.

But even if op's dd does have adhd, she may not want or indeed need a diagnosis, since she seems to be doing very well in life. Self motivated, sociable, intelligent, a zest for life - and apparently plenty of people enjoy being around her. In short, she's got her shit together, and I admire her for that (though as I've said, I may find it a bit draining living with her). It's really just her father who has a problem.

I think your daughter sounds lovely and in no way annoying. She sounds so full of life. Long may she be her wonderful vibrant self without all the naysayers bringing her down. God knows there's enough shit in life to bring lovely vibrant girls down without also copping it from one's own bloody grumpy father. He should be one of her biggest fans. What is wrong with him?

I feel so sad - and angry - for her and you that her dad seems to be so negative about her. She will definitely sense that he finds her annoying. He needs to be spoken to about his awful attitude.

Besides, her teachers and friends are all positive about her and she is doing well in life. So it looks to me as if it is actually your DH's problem, seeing as no one else in her life seems to have an issue with her. And the same goes for all the awful commenters here who are saying they agree with your DH. What a pack of mongrels you are.

I have a vibrant child with a sen diagnosis. I had a dh that also found them annoying and more. We parented in a very different way. We divorced eventually as I couldn’t cope with my child being constantly shut down amongst other things. Yes some people can be a lot but they are who they are and getting annoyed won’t change that. Maybe try again for the adhd diagnosis then others may understand her better.

GugiGi, your DD sounds adorable. I’m lucky enough to have a niece like her, who has always been a happy chatterbox, full of fun and energy, but also loving and caring. She’s grown up now and works with disadvantaged children, sharing her energy in the most positive way.
Your husband sounds a bit of a wet blanket, to be honest.