Relative asking for money

[novemberdaze]

A relative of mine asked me to borrow money. Bear in mind, I've met her twice - the last time being 12 days ago and before that - about 10 years ago when she was a child! (She lives abroad).

She said she would pay it back in a few months and that it was 'urgent' - to the point where she was texting multiple times in a row. What annoyed me is that rather than asking me for a certain amount of money - she asked me 'how much I'd be willing to give her' and kept hinting that the amount of money is 'a lot'. (Which I guess is all relative).

I told my parents (who are old/retired - and have met her multiple times). They are also baffled by her asking 'how much would I be willing to give her'. But they said they don't want it to be a cycle of repeated asks - so it's best not to start 'giving'.

Bear in mind, we all just came back from a trip less than two weeks ago - and everything seemed fine...? We also gave them cash then at the time.

Also, I never gave her my phone number - so she must have asked around for it...!

To make matters worse, her brother (who I've also only met twice) is now texting me too - but pointless crap like those 'good morning' memes and texts saying: 'Hi sisterrrrrr!' (We are not siblings - it's more a term of endearment).

AIBU to say 'no' outright - despite them knowing we obviously have some money to travel (having just seen them all)...?

This was my thought too. Say no and ensure your parents don’t get taken in.

Sounds like there may be a family or cultural tradition where your parents have sent money to relatives back home? And now the younger generation have been brought up with this and are expecting money from you.

Families are complicated and if you don’t want to do this then don’t. You might need to block the
relatives though as doesn’t sound like they’ll stop asking.

You might be related but you do not know this person ( people). And it doesn't mean they will be nice to you. Or that you can trust them.
In fact someone asking shamelessly for money so repeatedly so quickly after meeting you is a huge red flag.
Do not start to give them any money. Nor any information about yourself.
Do not even explain. They will blind you with reasons why. And guilt trip you. Just cut them out.
They are scrounging from you. You will never see any money back. Not a penny.
They can work for it, get a loan, get a credit card, ask someone else.
They aren't your responsibility. And don't let your parents give them any money either.
Zip up your purse, your mouth, and your information about yourself.

There may indeed be cultural issues at stake here. Since you have your parents on side, why would you even contemplate getting involved.

they said they don't want it to be a cycle of repeated asks - so it's best not to start 'giving'.

very wise words.

I wouldn’t blame your relatives for giving it a go, as PP have pointed out you must seem fabulously wealthy to them. However, once it starts where would it end. I would block them and just accept you cannot be in contact with them.

Honestly, I'd ignore the messages. It's either her trying it on, and she'll never stop. Or it's a scammer. Scammers are good, it happened to me once through our facebook messages. Just ignore all her messages. If the brother starts asking too, ignore him too.

Just say sorry you don't have any money to spare.

Cheeky sod, if it's definitely your relative I would call them out on that behaviour, 'my you asking me for money' this is really rude

Just say you think you may need a new boiler so sorry, no money.

If they actually said something like relative x is in hospital, needs costs paying up front which we just don’t have, that would be one thing.

I think they just assume you have money to spare and have no qualms about asking family, even distant family for money for various things and under various guises. If they are from a culture like my in-laws the culture is simply if you don’t ask you won’t get (and you are a mug for not taking what you can) and you should have no shame in asking for the moon.

We don’t live anything like the lifestyle my in-laws abroad live but as we live in SE England we are seen as rich and have had lots of people asking for money. I doubt you will see it returned and I doubt the requests will stop.

It is never unreasonable not to give someone money.

No, OP, don't send them a penny, and shut this down now, at once. Your parents are right when they say it will turn into a cycle of repeated asks - you will never be able to get rid of them, and the requests will keep on coming, with ever more desperate hints about their situation being 'urgent'.

I got sucked into exactly this situation with an old friend to whom I felt I owed a lot, in a Global South country where remittances back home are routine and people in the UK are seen as rich with cash to spare. I bitterly regret giving in to her requests, because it didn't in the end resolve her situation, and she did have alternatives. You haven't even got that sort of relationship with these relatives - you've only met them twice, and have no meaningful connection with them at all.

Thank you for all your responses. Safe to say, it's not a 'scam' - meaning that I'm confident that the number is not being spoofed/no deepfakes/AI etc... it really is her/her brother. My line of work is in tech, so yes, that was my first thought too - but easily verified through multiple sources it is indeed them.

My mother thinks they got my number from her extended family.

Anyway, more to the point - yes, it seems cultural. I guess it was a shock because I rarely travel with my parents - so since they are now old/retired - I joined them on this trip.

The girl who asked for the money is from my generation - and of course, over there, it seems the first questions are along the lines of: 'What do you do for work? How much do you earn?' So perhaps she thought it was more acceptable to ask.

Either way, the answer is no. To answer another PP above, they are not poor. They own lots of land/farms. She is married with a young son/owns her own house.

I think they seem to think we spend our time in the UK counting our endless cash and drowning in money.... which is obviously so far from reality.

Hi. Thank you for your comment. So sorry to hear about your experience. I do think in these scenarios, the other person's situation is rarely resolved. If you give once, you'll be hit up like an ATM every so often afterwards forevermore.

Agreed on all counts. It's very much mentality of 'what can I get out of this?' that irks me.

Firm and consistent no or it will be relentless. I make an occassional exception for true emergencies (hospital bills, school fees etc). Establish boundaries from the start, because you can't fix their problems.

Are you Sure it's them that's texting you and not a scam. Especially when 2 of them are asking for money. You might end up sending it to someone you don't know.
But if it is them you owe them nothing. Take their numbers off your mobile.. You never see that money again..

This.

Personally I would offer them £20 and send them links to local food banks and debt relief charities- stating the £20 is for bus fares!

I absolutely wouldn’t offer more than this token amount!

It sounds like a scam.

Just a flat no.

I’m abroad as well as yes, people think you’re in the UK diving into a pool of cash, Uncle Scrooge style. If you give once it will never stop.

Oh gosh.

no and block them
both

I don't think it has to be a scam, but you don't want these two near strangers leeching off you for years to come. So shut this one down clearly.

She relented after I stopped replying and finally said she needed £1,000. She didn't initially want to tell me how much she needed because she wanted to know how much I was 'willing to give'. I didn't answer. £1,000 is obviously a nice round number. Needless to say, I was shocked.

Again, it is indeed her - not someone spoofing her number. (See my recent posts).

Regardless, it doesn't change the outcome. I said 'No, I don't have that kind of money' rather than saying plain 'No' (which implies you do have the money - but just don't want to part with it).

Anyway, that's that!

I do not have words strong enough to say. Block ignore. Don't do it.

Not that it really matters, but it sounds like she hasn't told you what she wants the money for or her justification for asking?