To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

[Rollerdicegal]

Parents live 45 minutes away and usually I make the journey to theirs. Since August, we've only seen them once. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 2 who adore them.

I keep inviting them to visit or asking if we can visit, and they always decline because they're either: doing housework, seeing friends, or dealing with my sister's severe mental health problems. They both work full time.

I'm feeling so heartbroken for my kids not having grandparents to be close to, or grandparents who want to see them. I'm surrounded by friends whose parents seem desperate to spend time with their grandkids and will make so many sacrifices to make it happen.

I'm not asking them to babysit. Me and DH have had a total of 2 date nights in the 6 years since my eldest was born. I (or DH) do all the looking after while we visit, so it's not that it's hard work for them.

AIBU to feel so sad and almost betrayed by this? It makes me want to cancel the few Xmas plans we have because I feel like maybe if I stop putting in any effort then this won't hurt me anymore. All I want is a loving family :'(

You won’t win. They are exhausted, working full time and managing a deeply unstable child. Their child will always be their priority, as no doubt, your child is to you. Mental illness is awful for those on the receiving end, worse than those affected sometimes.

Christ, they are crying out for help. I can’t believe you are so blasé about your sister hitting your mum!!!

You’re not being unreasonable @Rollerdicegal. It’s totally understandable to be disappointed by your parents priorities and the minimal effort and relationship you have with them. My parents are divorced and remarried, and they prioritised their new partners over everything. It has always hurt, more so after having children and they still make no effort. In-laws also difficult and prioritise DH brother. it’s hugely disappointing but MN is quicK to call anyone out for wanting more from their parents as being unreasonable. I disagree- some people have lovely, close and supportive grandparents, and wishing you had that is perfectly reasonable. However, you’ll probably need to find peace with the reality and accept it.

They work full time and they're dealing with your sister's MH problems too?

I think you're being unreasonable. They have a lot on their plates.

I live an ocean away from my mum and Dsis.
Can none of you do WhatsApp video calls or FaceTime?

So your mum has gone through peri and full menopause over the last few years. Is she on HRT? Has she been taking care of routine tests like mammograms and pap smears?

She has a full time job and a house to care for, and an adult daughter who has paranoia and can be violent/ volatile.

She has no pleasant retirement to look forward to because the adult child will still need care and her 70s are a long way off. By the time she can retire she may well have health issues anyway, or your dad may, and one of them will end up as a carer to the other. I can see how even one of those elements of her situation would be depressing.

Her life does not sound like a bed of roses, frankly, and she may well see you and your children as yet another responsibility she is lumped with.

Ring them and say ‘mum dad my kids miss you, I miss you. We have barely seen you in the last few months when can we get our next get together in the books’ that way you express that you are missing them and you make a plan.

From your last update, you have your answer. They are just burnt out.

I’ve recently turned 60 and am more tired at the end of the day. And unfortunately cleaning still needs to be done.

Could you be the one doing the journey each time so it’s one less thing for them? Maybe take some food for a picky lunch on a Saturday or Sunday. You go over, your parents spend time playing with or talking to DC while you set out food. You eat together then you clean up while your parents spend more time with your kids then you go.

That’s what I did sometimes with my DC and my grandmother (their great grandmother). It’s no rest for you unfortunately, but for my DC it facilitated a relationship with her. She did the fun things and I did the grunt work.

She is long gone but my DC remember the good times with her.

Yes, exactly, which is why I'm not fussed if I never have grandchildren. I have enough on my plate!

Then there's the worry about what happens to the vulnerable person after you die. That can be hard.

UABU. You said they work full time! They have lives of their own and have already raised kids. They don’t have to raise yours. Lots of people don’t have parents living nearby. If you want a date night, hire a baby sitter. You can’t expect to have the same set up as you did as a child. Times are different. Sounds like your kids love your parents, so their relationship is already close, just different than yours was with your gps.

I do feel for you OP
But not everyone gets the ideal amd happy extended family/support.
My mum baby sat my daughter a few times when she was a newborn and after that she had a severe and disabling stroke only in her 50s.
And then we became her carers.
And everything changed.
Such is life.

I completely understand why you are upset and I have read the update.

My dad is 61, he works full time and lives 30 mins away. Every week without fail he comes round to either take my son to football (could be another mins to an away game) then he takes his sister shopping as she is paid to care for their elderly mother (but doesn’t drive). Or if it’s a Sunday then we will go for a meal or just chill. Regardless, weekend rain or shine, he is here. I haven’t asked him and don’t need to - he wants to be here.

They are divorced but my mum is 58, works PT 2-3 days a week. She frequently wants to pick them up & have them stay on a Friday night. I have 3 children inc a spirited 4 year old so it’s not an easy job. Again, I don’t ask for that. She text me recently to say she’s retiring next year & she can help out with the kids more (we don’t really need it tbh as we balance it between us, but it’s a want to see her grandchildren, not a need!)

My husbands parents on the other side could not give a shit. One lives round the corner and doesn’t see them, unless DH takes them there. It’s not worth the effort to pop in, apparently. I know it makes him really sad.

I get people are exhausted. I’m exhausted. Life is exhausting! But wanting to build those bonds and special relationships with your grandchildren is important surely?

I get people are exhausted. I’m exhausted. Life is exhausting! But wanting to build those bonds and special relationships with your grandchildren is important surely?

@No1YouKnow but it’s hard to ignore the exhaustion and competing priorities

@sittingonabeach I did. Still don’t think she’s being unreasonable for being upset about missing out on a relationship she’d like to have.

It's hard to enjoy being a grandparent when you're still having to do intensive parenting. It's sad for you all but I'd try to be very understanding of their situation and tiredness levels.

Also, if your children adore their grandparents, they must be lovely and attentive when they do see them so that's something.

They’re still parenting a very mentally unwell child and working full time. They just don’t have the time or the energy. May you never be in their shoes.

You aren't being unreasonable but neither are they.

Is there a middle ground? Can you suggest meeting somewhere closer to them so they don't have to travel, to keep a relationship with their grandchildren, just for one hour once a month? Lunch or tea in McDonald's?