To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

[Rollerdicegal]

Parents live 45 minutes away and usually I make the journey to theirs. Since August, we've only seen them once. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 2 who adore them.

I keep inviting them to visit or asking if we can visit, and they always decline because they're either: doing housework, seeing friends, or dealing with my sister's severe mental health problems. They both work full time.

I'm feeling so heartbroken for my kids not having grandparents to be close to, or grandparents who want to see them. I'm surrounded by friends whose parents seem desperate to spend time with their grandkids and will make so many sacrifices to make it happen.

I'm not asking them to babysit. Me and DH have had a total of 2 date nights in the 6 years since my eldest was born. I (or DH) do all the looking after while we visit, so it's not that it's hard work for them.

AIBU to feel so sad and almost betrayed by this? It makes me want to cancel the few Xmas plans we have because I feel like maybe if I stop putting in any effort then this won't hurt me anymore. All I want is a loving family :'(

Yes as soon as I saw that the OP spent a lot of time with her gp as a child, I guessed that the parents may not be naturally comfortable and enthusiastic about being around young children. There is often a connection.

Id feel hurt too and it’s exacerbated by having friends whose parents are all over the kids. But I also see the other side

@Abracadabra12345 have you read the OP’s update? Her parents are exhausted

I am 54 and shattered at weekends from working full-time in a full-on job - my job is mentally rather than physically exhausting. Very little socialising happens here at weekends - it is spent doing chores and recovering. I am not depressed or unwell - it is age. Caring for your sister - the mental load and worry - they must be shattered. I have a granddaughter - they mostly visit me - bring picky bits for lunch and stay a few hours every other weekend. Sometimes weekly. I love seeing them and will babysit when I can.

Exactly that!

Just remember their behavior when they are older and needing care and you can tell them that what the effort they put in with you and your kids is the same amount they will get back and that you’ll see them once every few years

Why should she?!!!! They haven’t even been decent parents let alone bothered with their grandchildren!!! They are selfish and focused on only one of their children and their lives! OP should just let them get on with life and focus on her children and life with her dh as her parents even farmed her out to her grandparents when she was a child!!

I’ve just read it so thank you. No wonder they don’t have the mental and physical bandwidth for the grandchildren. I hope the discussion has helped the OP.

Working until they’re in their 70s even though they’re already shattered? It sounds unbearable

You’ll feel more compassion if you read the OP’s updates as I just have

Even if they aren't physically full time carers, they may always be 'on', waiting for that next call that something has happened, waiting for the next round to start (and who knows how long that will be?), waiting to have to upend everything to run to the hospital or wherever, the constant worry. Even that's exhausting, especially with full time employment.

Yes, it will affect their relationship with their grandchildren, whether it's by choice or circumstance.

Edited, as just read OP's update. Confirms parents aren't coping so well.

Good on you for talking to your parents, OP. I hope it provides some reassurance for you that it's not personal or lack of interest. Yes, it could be depression, or burn out. They've been at this for a very long time. You're very kind to offer to have your sister for a while, to give them a break. Remember you have a young family yourself, so take care of yourself too. You have a busy life too, even if differently busy, and your children come first.

It would be ideal if your parents could work it so at least one of them can go part-time or retire, for their sakes.

When grandparents live far away or when like yours they are quite tied,why not use Facetime or similar perhaps once or twice a week at a time when your children are around?

My original message disappeared,so apologies if you get this twice.
How about using Facetime once or twice a week when your children are around?

Your poor parents. They must be at their absolute limit with stress -when I was depressed, I couldn't stand seeing anyone at all, even good friends and family. I just wanted silence and nothingness for a while. I didn't even have it in me to answer a text.
It's obviously not to do with you or the kids personally. It's an incredibly difficult time and they are stretched thin.
How about the children send them a letter or card with some drawings or photos?

This is so sad. I am sorry to read this.
Would money stretch to a night away for them for a Christmas present? Or maybe a spa day or a massage for your mum?

I am early 50s and I just don't have the stamina I used to have. They do sound burnt out.

I’m 55 and working full time has finally caught up with me. After going into the office 3 days a week with a long commute, I’m beat by the weekend. I don’t have much leftover to entertain especially children.

However I would try and do something once a month or so, but that’s not having a mentally unwell child that needs looking after.

I really feel for you. I have a very similar situation with my parents. I can understand logically that their circumstances can be difficult and they have things going on. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me feel really sad. In my heart I can’t make peace with the fact that I’m always the ball that they choose to drop when they’re juggling. It seems from some of the comments that perhaps it’s difficult to understand how that feels unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I don’t have any advice, apart from massively lowering your expectations, and focusing on the people who do want to spend time with you x

What a nasty and self-centered attitude.

Elders earned our care by raising us. They aren’t required to facilitate a second generation in order to merit decent treatment in old age.

I'd have a quiet word with your parents that you feel a bit neglected as they spend so much time helping your sister.

It’s good that you spoke to them.

I’m 62 and work full time in a professional role. I am on no medication, not overweight, perfectly able. And I find over the last couple of years my stamina has really decreased. A super fit, active colleague of the same age just confided the same last week. We just don’t have the same energy we formerly did.

It’s disconcerting and discouraging, and the last thing we need is to be guilted about it.

So sorry you feel abandoned but i trust your conversation with your mum has brought you some comfort. It is exhausting feeling responsible for someone with mental health problems and I hope your parents ard getting support from social services.

I feel this too OP. I also posted something similar before and ended up feeling like the asshole from a lot of the replies.
But I completely empathise and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. We can’t force anyone to do something they don’t want but we can feel hurt that we haven’t got the scenario we dreamt of and wanted. It’s heartbreaking, and I often get upset when I see examples of grandparents being 100% in for being involved when my child’s couldn’t seem to care less. Luckily my MIL is the opposite and tries to see him whenever he can.
I personally find it so hard to confront my mum, I don’t want a family falling out so I just let it roll on and put the effort in and hope maybe one day they’ll change their tune.

@HGSufferer you need to read OP’s update

That is sad OP but good you raised it with your mum and hopefully you feel reassured that it is not that they don't care but they are just exhausted. I cannot imagine prioritising friends or housework over my DDs or grandchildren but then I am not a carer and am retired. I am probably a similar age to your mum. Also while 45 minutes does not sound very far it is a 1.5 hour round trip but given you offer to drive up there maybe that is not the issue. Can you make a regular trip up there but stress you will only stay a few hours. Maybe a whole day is too much given their health and other commitments. They could be depressed. Well done for having your sister to stay to give them a break.

OP, I think your feeling are natural, but I also think life has changed in a way that makes it harder for many grandparents to be hands on.

With them both working, and a drive away, I think it's very possible that things come up weekends, they are tired, house stuff needs doing, etc - and before you know it it has been a couple of months before they both have a block of time to visit.

It's really differernt when you live close to family, and visiting is 10, maybe no longer than 20, minutes away. You can pop over for an hour and it seems worthwhile. You can visit spur of the moment when the opportunity comes up. Maybe you visit when you aren't feeling 100% because you know you can head home again if you need to. You do things together casually like lend a power tool or drop something off, and get a visit in then.

Even a 45 minute drive can be just enough to stop that kind of casual interaction for some. If they weren't working less likely, but between work and life, it makes a visit much less easy.

As a grandparent I am often torn between the demands of work and various family members, my long distance partner, my own indifferent health...it can be tiring and overwhelming. Its hard just maintaining the home sometimes. I do need quite a bit of time to myself, I can feel guilty about that but apparently its 'self care'!. I do see quite a bit of my grandchildren though and more and more I wish I lived nearer.