To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

[Rollerdicegal]

Parents live 45 minutes away and usually I make the journey to theirs. Since August, we've only seen them once. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 2 who adore them.

I keep inviting them to visit or asking if we can visit, and they always decline because they're either: doing housework, seeing friends, or dealing with my sister's severe mental health problems. They both work full time.

I'm feeling so heartbroken for my kids not having grandparents to be close to, or grandparents who want to see them. I'm surrounded by friends whose parents seem desperate to spend time with their grandkids and will make so many sacrifices to make it happen.

I'm not asking them to babysit. Me and DH have had a total of 2 date nights in the 6 years since my eldest was born. I (or DH) do all the looking after while we visit, so it's not that it's hard work for them.

AIBU to feel so sad and almost betrayed by this? It makes me want to cancel the few Xmas plans we have because I feel like maybe if I stop putting in any effort then this won't hurt me anymore. All I want is a loving family :'(

I don't think you are being unreasonable, @Rollerdicegal , and I hope you feel able to bring this up with them. It seems like they do need to focus more on you and your children.

However, I wanted to mention a way in which you might possibly feel a little less hurt and 'unloved': Could the no-doubt very disturbing experiences of dealing with your older sister have left them feeling depressed, anxious, perhaps even traumatised?

It may be that they love you dearly but that much of the joy and energy that love should bring has been drained away from them by events associated with your sister's illness. Perhaps it has been placed by worry and exhaustion. It may even be that they allow you to fall to the back of their mind because they just can't experience love other than in the form of intense worry.

None of that is an excuse of course, but it might be less painful if you felt it was possible to see it in that light, and it might be a way of approaching a conversation with your parents about it.

I think no one is being unreasonable in this situation, this is just one of those times when life is just shitty for all involved.

You are not being unreasonable to wish your parents were around more, were living up to the expectations you had of them, were doing the same things your friend’s parents do for their grandchildren.

Your parents are not unreasonable to be running on empty and not in a position to be who you want them to be or even who they wanted to be. They’re working full time, dealing with the stress of an adult child with mental health issues. Weekends are for recovering, sorting the house, seeing friends, seeing family, any hobbies, etc. it’s a lot to jam in.

My grandparents (who I loved and considered very close) lived 6 hours away. We saw them about three times a year. We exchanged letters, phone calls, and really treasured each visit. It was about quality not quantity. Your kids don’t need to see your parents weekly to have a good relationship with them.

Well hopefully the reality of your life will never become such to the degree that you actually understand where OP's parents might be coming from.

I do hope OP is able to talk to her parents about it. It may reassure her it's not lack of interest.

It’ sounds like your parents have a lot to deal with. I live over an hour away from my daughter and grandchildren. I do try my best to babysit and see them but I am having to drive my son to work atm because he has a driving ban. They are all coming to stay next weekend and we are visiting Santa and doing some Christmas things. It’s not my turn to visit on Christmas Day this year it is the mother in-law. She lives 5 minutes away from them and rarely visits or babysits Sometimes things can be unfair but I try to make best of being too far away to visit as much as I would like.

I’ve noticed a trend amongst my friends that the people who spent a lot of time in their childhoods have distant and unloving parents. My parents farmed us out to our grandparents but have little to no interest in our children. I think it might be hard for them to know how to interact with children.

I know how you feel OP. My Dad remarried after my mum's death and it feels like he has memory holed me and my kids. He never calls or texts or asks a single question about how they are doing. They adore him, and I'm sad he doesn't feel the same way.
There are lots of parents like this unfortunately. And even the very devoted ones are not always the healthiest to have around - emotionally immature, controlling etc. So know you are not alone in this and focus on making your family unit as loving and secure as it can be💐

I agree, I spent every half-term, summer holiday, inset day and sick day with my grandparents.
I , very wrongly, assumed my parents would want similar with my children but it couldn't have been more different!
I visited my parents once a week with my children, if I couldn't make it they didn't come to us. Couldn't have been less interested if they tried.
My mum used to say she was 'too busy' to see my children - she wasn't, she just didn't want to see them.

It is crap but you have to accept that is your relationship with them. It’s their loss but it is what it is. Try to get into a routine of ringing them say once a month and visiting every couple of months and enjoy the time but don’t expect more. Not because it’s right but because wanting more is making you unhappy currently.
It may be when they retire they will have more time to spend with you. I wonder who they will turn to when they need more support?

Sorry but it sounds like they have a lot going on. Although say you only live 45 mins away, that could potentially be 2 hours if traffic is bad on a round journey when they have been working full time all week and have been dealing with your sister. They probably don't have the energy at the weekend to visit.
I know I often feel exhausted after being at work and looking after my own kids, so going visiting at the weekend is the last thing I want to do either and that's without dealing with someone with a mental illness.
Do you and your DH both work full time too?
Can you ask around friends for any childcare recommendations if it's a date night you are after? Alternatively can you and your husband both book a day off work when your youngest is in nursery and eldest is in school and have some time together then?

Yes, this. Plus their own health, running a household, having a life. You are expecting a lot from exhausted people. Do you do anything to assist them?

Take the kids to their community and invite them out to lunch, so the visit doesn’t create even more work for them.

Maybe they don't feel safe leaving your sister and/ or don't feel your sister is safe around your children. Does your sister live with them?

Even when you're not a full time carer, you can still be 'on' 24/7, waiting for that call, to suddenly have to change your whole day, for the deterioration that means you will be full time on for however long it takes. I suspect they are trying to keep balance by maintaining friendships as well.

Huge credit to OP for stepping up to help with her sister in spite of her own load. Not her responsibility, but very generous of her, and you would hope that this would mean her parents might feel they have had some time to rest and spend with OP's family.

OP should talk to her parents and hopefully they can give her the clarity to reassure her. Or they aren't interested, which would be very hurtful, but at least she would know for sure where she stands.

Op do you think maybe the reason your grandparents looked after you so much is probably because your parents struggled with young children? Some people do just find it consistently overwhelming and hard and don'tseemto manage to adjust to how much life changes as a parent. I know of parents like this in my circles, and they seem to pass their kids around a lot. Speaking from my experience of the parents I know like that it's nothing to do with not loving the kids, but just finding parenthood and young children totally overwhelming x

That's a good point raised by the poster above. Did your grandparents look after you a lot because of your sister? Did her mental health issues begin during childhood, and by using the grandparents to care for you, your parents were able to protect you from witnessing her struggles as a young child.

It's very disappointing for you, so yanbu to feel bad about this. BUT, they have a lot going on. My DPs are in their early 70s, retired and fit and healthy. They rarely see their youngest dgc by choice. They find them badly behaved and feel their parents pander far too much to them, which they both hate. They have quite old fashioned ideas so the GC wanting to watch TV for example, when they are watching something really annoys them. Their parents allow them to waste food, get up/down from the table during mealtimes which they find really stressful. My DM says my Dsis and her DH are glued to their phones, so whilst they are there and 'looking after them' they really aren't. The DC are constantly touching/moving things and then they get broken. They don't enjoy being in their company at all, my Dsis keeps trying to visit them (they live an hour away) and my DM makes the same excuses as the OPs.

If you believe that they are good people with a lot on their plates I would facilitate this relationship yourself and be honest with them about it. Things may change once they retire and have more time.

So send them pictures of the kids and encourage them to send you pictures and messages of what they are doing which you can pass on to the kids. Once the kids are old enough they can text/whatsapp/video message themselves to build their relationship more.

Then maybe nightime picture books with relatives in that you say goodnight to or a video/recording of them reading a story to the kids. Then the kids are familiar with them.

Then perhaps build in things you always do with them - Easter egg hunt, gingerbread house decorating, a Christmas event in their community. This will build core memories for your kids that involve them

I would just be really honest with your parents with what you need and then meet them halfway.

I do really feel for you though as it does feel like a real rejection. You can build something though, you might just have to help with the legwork.

It makes me sad to read all the answers of "they work full time, have their friends, their hobbies, etc. Their plate is full, they're busy". Surely they realise how quickly time pass and how fast kids grow up. I don't understand how they would want to prioritise hobbies and friends over their own grandkids and family. Also, to the posters who make comment like "get paid babysitters if you want to go out etc.", the OP clearly said that she just wants her parents to have a relationship with her kids, that her and her DH do the looking after when they visit and do not expect them to babysit. It's not about that.

But how often are they seeing these friends and doing other hobbies? It is likely that these friends live closer, making it easier to pop round for a quick drink.
I do think there is a lot of pressure on grandparents - from lots of posts on here it seems a lot of people rely on them for childcare and wanting to be available for their grandchildren, but forget that they have had their time raising children and aren't choosing to have grandchildren. In the OPs situation they are still having to parent the sister in a stressful situation.
Yes it is sad for the OP but it is not unreasonable to consider that the grandparents just aren't emotionally or physically available.

OP has confirmed that she does not, and in fact also stays with her sometimes. They are not full time carers.

OP clearly said she doesn't rely on them for childcare. She offers to go and visit them (and takes care of her own kids during that time) and they keep refusing, prioritising everything else. I'd be really hurt too and feel like my parents couldn't be bothered to make the effort for me and my family. If they can make time for friends and family, surely they could spare the time for OP? The point is, they choose not too because they don't care much for her and her fam and they're not interested. OP, I'd stop making the effort. It's sad, but it is so one-sided that it isn't worth. Their loss.

I didn't mean the OP but on MN in general..so many people are outraged when grandparents can't commit to childcare or aren't interested in what their child has done.

Maybe they don't want her visiting in order to protect her from the possible harm caused by her sister who might be in self destruct mode and they don't want the little ones there to witness it. It sounds like the sisters living arrangements are inconsistent and they don't necessarily know when she might drop back in to live with them, which I expect can be very stressful worrying about whether your child is safe and what trouble they might be in and you need to help them fix (the debt for example).

The OP hasn't responded yet to how they are when they are there. We don't know whether they are interested and engaged, or like I said just exhausted. The OP also hasn't said whether she and DH both work full time too, so understand how draining it might be at the end of the day (so have empathy with how older adults might be at the end of a working week and then the additional stress of helping their daughter with the mental health issues).

I like the suggestions earlier where someone said to just keep them in the loop - sending pictures and things, as this may be the easiest way for them to build that relationship with the grandchildren.

I think you just have to accept it is what it is. Mine are similar I guess, but live much closer & they have no other children. I think they have seen the children once this year! me & my husband haven't had a meal out in a long time I'd say 11/12 years even on a significant anniversary or birthday. I spent so much of my childhood with grandparents, aunts & even family friends, they were the people who took me out on fun day trips etc. But that's their choice it's my kids norm and that's fine I doubt they miss who can never be arsed!

Probably she wasn't very keen on children hence why you spent so much time at your grandparents

Try to establish a once a month tradition
Last Sunday of the month roast dinner at your house. If it's planned far ahead they can put it in the calendar

Be frank and honest with them

Parents can be terrible self absorbed and not realize your needs.

I wonder how many of the friends’ grandparents you’re comparing them to, also work full time?
And live 45 minutes away? so I assume that’s a return journey of up to two hours.
Let alone your sister’s needs.

Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that …