To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

[Rollerdicegal]

Parents live 45 minutes away and usually I make the journey to theirs. Since August, we've only seen them once. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 2 who adore them.

I keep inviting them to visit or asking if we can visit, and they always decline because they're either: doing housework, seeing friends, or dealing with my sister's severe mental health problems. They both work full time.

I'm feeling so heartbroken for my kids not having grandparents to be close to, or grandparents who want to see them. I'm surrounded by friends whose parents seem desperate to spend time with their grandkids and will make so many sacrifices to make it happen.

I'm not asking them to babysit. Me and DH have had a total of 2 date nights in the 6 years since my eldest was born. I (or DH) do all the looking after while we visit, so it's not that it's hard work for them.

AIBU to feel so sad and almost betrayed by this? It makes me want to cancel the few Xmas plans we have because I feel like maybe if I stop putting in any effort then this won't hurt me anymore. All I want is a loving family :'(

It sounds like they are completely overwhelmed with dealing with your sister and have very little left to give. Sad for you all though.

You feel how you feel.
But if they’re say 60ish and still working full time, they’ll be knackered come a weekend, and have all the chores to do, their friends, their hobbies. I don’t think once in 3 months is particularly low given that. If you want to go out with your husband use friends as sitters, use a paid for babysitter or what we mostly did was had dinner parties where everyone including the kids stayed over.

It IS sad and also annoying that you have to do all the work. Could you bring it up with them? Just tell them honestly how you feel?

Did your parents actually want to be grandparents though? It's not anything they have a choice in happening but they do get the choice on how much contact to have

sister's severe mental health problems.

Sounds like a lot to deal with

Sorry, they both work full time and are supporting someone with severe MH issues?

yabu

Sounds like they have a lot on their plate, both working full time and supporting their daughter with severe mental health illness. I wouldn't cancel Christmas plans, I would make the most of the times they are able to see you and the children.

They're probably just knackered.

They work full time and have their hands full. YABU

Working full time and caring for someone with severe mental health problems. That will explain it. They may be running on empty. Caring is exhausting enough without working full time too. I'm sure they'd love to visit more but know their limitations.

It sounds sad but they seem overwhelmed dealing with everything else they have going on. Plus they aren’t getting younger. I think a lot of us can be guilty of expecting our parents to be there when really they need rest too.

Will his parents not do anything, either? From your post I guess not, as you say you're (understandably) sad your kid won't have grandparents involved.
I would make a point of speaking to them-maybe invite them out for a coffee just with you. Sometimes in-laws can be scared of seeming pushy, and believe their DIL won't welcome them, and that they shouldn't ask their son. This is stupid, but sadly common. If you make a point of telling them how much you want them involved, maybe it'll make a difference, as it seems your parents just don't want to be from what you say, and I'm sorry.

I'm sure they want to be. They are caring for a disabled child (severely by the sound of it) and working full time. They aren't superman or woman.

A 2 year old and a 6 year old are usually exhausting together and lively and if boys bouncing off the walls, they are probably exhausted from work and your company will be full-on, regardless of how much they are being watched. It’s sad but some grandparents are just not that interested in constant interaction or involvement, yet others throw themselves into it like a job. We’ve got one set of each and neither will change it’s just how they want it to be. I would keep visits short in case they put them off if they think it takes up all day etc

I don't see how anyone could possibly think you're being unreasonable. Obviously you understand their pressures with work and caring for your sister, but for them to prioritise housework and seeing friends over and above their own daughter and grandchildren is very hurtful. I can't imagine prioritising socialising with friends over seeing my own kids and grandkids. And yes housework has to be done, but why not ask you to help? If you and DH took the kids over in the morning, one of you could watch them while the other helped with housework and chores and then all spend the afternoon together. Where there's a will there's a way.

I'm sorry they are a let down, OP. It would hurt me too.

Clearly you have never been in their position to work and be a full time carer as well.

I would never ask a child with young children to help me clean my house. They have enough to do.

It's understandable that you are hurt. It's also understandable that your parents struggle to fit in many visits with their current situation. Could you talk to them about how you feel? You could maybe talk about ways that their load could be lightened so they have more time for you.
They may not realise how this is making you feel. How often did you see them before having DC?

Thanks all. Just to clarify, my sister is in her 30s and my parents aren't full time carers for her. She has paranoid delusions and gets herself into debt, then needs them to get her out of trouble. She gets stressed staying in one place so moves around a lot. She sporadically lives with them, but not all the time. She stays with me from time to time too.

Thanks for your perspectives. I was so close to my grandparents growing up and they looked after me so much that whilst I didn't expect my parents to do any babysitting since they still work, I'd hoped that my kids would have a similar relationship to the one I had with my mum's parents. My in-laws live far away and are even less interested, which I don't mind as neither I or DH are that close to them.

They work full time and have a child with severe mental health issues. It sounds like they don't have anything left to give to family. YANBU to want to see them more but YABU not to realise why they can't see you more.

And I'm sure it's upsetting that they make time for friends but it's also healthy for them to keep up with friends rather than withdrawing and being left with none. Perhaps they can vent about the situation to their friends in a way they can't with you?

I think if you want to see them more, you need to reduce the burden on them. Can you help with your sister? If you can't -- and it is entirely understandable if this is the case — then you need to accept that they don't have anything left to give at the moment, and enjoy the times you can spend together, like Christmas.

Another option is to have a gentle, but frank, conversation with them to hear from them if there are any issues - you're just guessing, despite the obvious, until they tell you.
Maybe there are supports available?
New/Different/Medication for sister?

I do understand that they work and are looking after your grown up sister sporadically but, going slightly against the grain here, I do think this is pretty shit and I'd feel the same way you do.

One of the things I love and appreciate most about my parents is how much they adore my children.

Although they have their own lovely relationship, their love for and interest in them (especially when tiny and, frankly, not very interesting!) feels like an extension of and comment on their love for me too. It sounds like you may feel similarly but in the opposite way. Honestly I think I would find this particularly galling given they pour so much into your sibling.

In your situation I'd be torn between sucking it up for the sake of my children wanting to see them and pulling back completely, like you say. But I don't think I'd want my children to become aware of the fact I was essentially begging for their time only to be rebuffed over and over.

Probably the grown up thing to do would be to discuss it with them but, frankly, I think that even if they improved it would feel like they'd only done it to 'do the right thing' rather than because they want to so I don't know if the actual issue is really solvable by that method.

Sorry, OP, that's a bit rambling and not terribly helpful but, in short, I really sypathise.

If I were you rather than feel sad now and probably end up with years of festering resentment that you have to share when it’s too late, say something now.
You can explain the sadness you feel while at the same time acknowledging that they are entitled to their lives.
Lifes too short, get it off your chest and give them a chance to fix it , if they don’t you haven’t lost anything but can manage your expectations going forward.
Also as a PP said definitely get a babysitter.

You couldn't be more wrong and given the reality of my life that's actually a really offensive assertion to make. You'd feel ashamed of that comment if you knew me. There's no need to be personal because you disagree with someone's opinion.

If helping with chores for a couple of hours was the only possible way that OP could spend time with her parents, which obviously she wants desperately to do, then perhaps she wouldn't mind being asked. I wouldn't resent my parents asking the question if I were in OP's position.

What are your parents like with your children when you do meet up? Are they kind and loving or is their indifference also obvious in their interactions with your children?

If it is the latter, I would just stop trying so hard, pull right back and match their energy if in future they decide that they need your help as they age.

OP has clearly stated that:

'my sister is in her 30s and my parents aren't full time carers for her.'

They are obviously under no obligation to make time for OP and her family but this will inevitably damage the relationship between OP and her parents and her parents won't have any rmeaningful relationship with OP's children. They prioritise time with their friends which is their prerogative but they may regret not bothering with OP and her children at all if they need help and support in future. OP also helps out with her sister:

'She sporadically lives with them, but not all the time. She stays with me from time to time too.'