To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

[Rollerdicegal]

Parents live 45 minutes away and usually I make the journey to theirs. Since August, we've only seen them once. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 2 who adore them.

I keep inviting them to visit or asking if we can visit, and they always decline because they're either: doing housework, seeing friends, or dealing with my sister's severe mental health problems. They both work full time.

I'm feeling so heartbroken for my kids not having grandparents to be close to, or grandparents who want to see them. I'm surrounded by friends whose parents seem desperate to spend time with their grandkids and will make so many sacrifices to make it happen.

I'm not asking them to babysit. Me and DH have had a total of 2 date nights in the 6 years since my eldest was born. I (or DH) do all the looking after while we visit, so it's not that it's hard work for them.

AIBU to feel so sad and almost betrayed by this? It makes me want to cancel the few Xmas plans we have because I feel like maybe if I stop putting in any effort then this won't hurt me anymore. All I want is a loving family :'(

Expecting people to feel the way you want them to feel is a waste of time. Their side of the story would be quite different.

Better just to get on with it, they will do whatever they want anyway, and you can choose to see them when you are given the opportunity, or not if you prefer.

The last thing working people want on a Sunday afternoon is to drive 45 min each way, sit thru a chaotic kiddie-centric heavy meal, not have a drink due to driving, get home in early evening tired and frazzled, with Monday morning work looming.

Let OP drive to them as she is the one promoting the togetherness.

Your grandparents looked after you so much when you were young, your parents weren’t around. Maybe due to working or other commitments, maybe because they wanted to do other things I have no idea but they weren’t around all that much so why would you expect them to be around for your children now.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but even with working and looking out for your sister sometimes they have time to see friends and do other things they don’t want to spend their time with small children

Agree.

People don’t suddenly morph into stereotypical grandparents. If they weren’t very hands-on with small kids when their own daughter was concerned, it’s unlikely they are going to suddenly be into kids because they now have grandchildren.

And maybe they are just depleted after a lifetime of worry about the sister. Maybe achieving distance from the grandchildren is protecting themselves, subconsciously, from more potentially painful relationships.

They do sound a bit crap.

I’d be telling them exactly how you feel.

How old are they OP? They are both working full time which gets harder as you get older.

I'm 62 and working full time means I need to spend one day of the weekend covering all the chores and being ready for Monday, so that gives me one day for all socialising. A weekend trip leaves me shattered and running to catch up.

If they feel they need to be around for your dsis then I can see that travelling to you more than once a quarter as well would be too much.

See them at Christmas when they will have some downtime.

How soon will they retire or go part time? I suspect things will improve then.

How often do you speak to them @Rollerdicegal? How often did you see them before DC?

Maybe they are not comfortable around small children, hence you spending a lot of time with GPs as a child. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and maybe in their peer group it was just expected to have children whether you actually wanted them or not.

Interestingly, there are other threads on MN where you get GPs complaining that they don’t see enough of their grandchildren as the parents work FT and spend their weekends doing chores, hobbies (either theirs or the DC’s), seeing friends etc.

Honestly i feel that thy have a lot on if they both still work full time and then are trying to deal with your sisters severe issues as well. Im nearly 50 and my every levels are definitely not what they used to me . I can imagine in my 60s I'll really feel it.
of course it's sad for you and your kids but it might not be a personal thing. You are doing well , have a dh and lovely kids , maybe they feel your sister needs them more right now.
I don't blame you at all for being sad about it though.

I suspect that your parents are overwhelmed with life. They are dealing with your sister who has severe MH issues, who can't live in one place for long and has the habit of getting herself into debt. On top of that, they both work full-time and still have to run a home. Any downtime they do have is spent relaxing with friends. I appreciate you and your husband parent your children when they visit but a 2 year old and 6 year old, are tiring. I wouldn't cancel any Christmas plans you have.

You can’t do anything about them, except perhaps offer more support re. your sister. But you can make sure your children have a loving family at home. Focus on that. Keep inviting your parents. Do what you can and don’t worry over the things you can’t.

And stop comparing with other people. You have no idea what their families are dealing with.

I suspect that the reason you spent so much time with your grandparents was that your parents have very little interest in children, not even their own. That's sad but it's no reflection on you, just like their lack of interest in their grandchildren is no reflection on them. Just be glad you take after your grandmother not your mum.

They probably don’t have capacity with everything else going on for them… they may feel really anxious and guilty. Try not to take it personally, they would most likely want to see you more if their buckets weren’t over flowing…

One of the things that I didn't really appreciate til I got here is how much working full time takes it out of you when you get older. I do so much less socially than I'd like to, just because I don't have the energy and dh and I do regularly now need weekends just to catch up in the housework and rest.

That said, I can understand why you're upset. Is it something that you could talk to them about?

Did both your grandparents work?
I think a big shift has happened. My grandparents only my grandad worked and he retired at 55 . But my parents worked till 67 and are both still exhausted. Any free time and they just try to catch up with housework and life admin. And my younger brother who has physical and mental health problems. Its a big drain on their energy levels. I think if they didnt have all these stresses they would be spending a lot more carefree time with my children .

A lot of people here are making assumptions about why they do this. They have told you their reasons. They are not excuses. Nor however are their reasons fair or equitable.
When there is a shortage of resources in a family they become the focus of competition between siblings and I am so sorry that your parents consistently choose your sister, their non family social life and housework over you and your children. How could you not be resentful?
It is however time to stop wishing for change and instead actively plan your future family with them as the footnote that they have chosen to be. You get to mourn that. It is a matter of some considerable grief to be a child who is of low importance to their parents THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.
If you don't want to involve them in your Christmas this year you don't have to. They won't love you more for doing it. It might unsettle them that you aren't staying in your lane but thats all any reaction is likely to involve.
Im sorry if this sounds a little bleak but I am just one of a number of people here who have a good idea how this will play out in the long term.
If you want to save yourself years of agonising and therapy you really have to accept that they are going to remain the limited people they consistently show you they are.

Why are you making up they are full time carers? OP has stayed they aren't

They won't be able to complain OP that they don't have a relationship with their Grandkids as they get older. They are making their choices clear

Some grandparents just aren’t very hands on. We see FIL once a year, and he is retired, in good health and lives about 20mins away. He remarried a few years ago and just isn’t interested.

We see DM fortnightly, even though she lives 90 mins away, because she wants to see us (mostly she comes up to us because she says she is retired and has more time and money than us, but we do go down to stay a few times a year).

If somebody isn’t interested in having a close relationship, unfortunately you can’t force it.

As someone said upthread, do your visits take up a whole day? They may find this overwhelming.

A few people have detailed on this thread that as they went so often to their grandparents, they are assuming that their parents will do the same for their grandkids.

wouldn’t the obvious assumption be the exact opposite?!?

that your parents don’t enjoy it?

They're definitely shattered

I think your expectations are unrealistic given they work full time and have caring responsibilities for DSis. Your lack of date nights with DH is really nothing to do with your parents. Families operate differently, some people get loads of help from GPs and some get little. That is life.

I took some of the advice and talked to my mum about feeling hurt by all this. She explained they're exhausted and miss us but seeing anyone tires them out so much. Their job is really stressful at the moment, and I guess they must be very burnt out. She said they hated their recent holiday with friends and found it exhausting rather than relaxing. And my sister is being really difficult at the moment. She hit my mum today which really sucks. I didn't know it was that bad with her as she probably holds back when she's with me. Sister will likely come stay with me next week to give them a break.

She couldn't explain exactly why they feel so tired and drained after seeing people. Is it age? They're 60 and 55 (mum's older). Or depression/a health issue?

Sadly there wasn't really a solution unless they find a way to manage the burn out. And they won't retire till they're in their 70s.

Will your sister be safe round your DC @Rollerdicegal

I know it’s not quite the same but my DM is going down the dementia route and it had destroyed me mentally, and I feel overwhelmed by everything. I am similar age to your parents. I can imagine the mental strain on your parents that your sister’s illness/behaviour is causing

Offer to go over and take over household chores for a day once a month. They play with kids, you and dh help them out. Win win.

She's quite good with my DC. You couldn't really tell she's extremely unwell when she's around them as she gets distracted and covers it up. If she gets too paranoid or stressed, she'll probably just leave as her condition makes it really hard for her to stay in one place. She thinks random people around are out to get her, and only really gets violent towards my parents when they don't do what she wants to get away from whatever she feels threatened by. She wouldn't hurt me either as she doesn't see me as responsible for protecting her from perceived threats, if that makes sense.

I'm so sorry about your mum. Dementia is such a terrible thief.