MIL crying over this?

[Jinglealltheway123]

My 3 yo daughter (after being tickled by my MIL, whom I asked her to stop) declared “hmph! I dont like you!” to her Grandmother after she finally stopped tickling her. In response to this my MIL burst into tears, and ran into her bedroom…I told my 3yo that wasn’t a very nice thing to say and to apologies to her GM but really I feel this reaction was totally, totally unacceptable. This is not the first time she has acted this way in front of me or my children. AIBU to have a conversation with MIL about it? Is it my 3yo?? She says it to me when she doesnt get her own way and I juat say “oh dear” 😅

Actually, teach you DD to bellow, ‘NO!!’, with her hand in a stop sign ✋

Obviously she was taught that to stand up to bullies at school, Grandma.

It’s really helpful for children to have a full on defence shout for when they need it. It’s the step before, ‘Punch ‘em back!’.

MIL probably has other issues going on e.g low self confidence, depression, anxiety, menopause.

I would leave it be and I wouldn't expect your DD to apologise either. As an adult, if someone tried tickling me and wouldn't stop after being asked, I would probably hit out at them and no harm in your DD letting people know what she thinks of being tormented.

From our primary the phrase they taught was: "Stop it! I don't like it!"
Maybe point out that your DD didn't like it, and that's why she was so annoyed when trying to get that over was ignored.

I’d say it’s about the ops mum or even her husband if they acted like this repeatedly. Silent treatment and running off crying is manipulative.

She’s doing it because she doesn’t like the response to her actions. Clearly the mil never grew up and learnt that actions have consequences and relies on behaviour that toddlers exhibit when they don’t get their own way.

Well done for seeing the dynamic OP. Mil is indeed a tit

Good opportunity to talk to DD about what emotional manipulation is and how she doesn’t need to pander to it. And as you say, apologise to her and let her know you are working on your boundaries with MiL and should have made it stop for her sooner.

women like this give MILs a bad name. Mine was the same and my child won’t have any relationship with her now.

Honestly, given your story and the reaction of the two people involved after this incident, it sounds like you were minding two three year olds.

You've got a little 3-year-old girl who is being tickled by 69 year old grandma, when she was finished being tickled little girl says "I don't like you" and Grandma burst into tears and goes running into the bedroom and is causing a gigantic fuss. And you say this is not the first time she's done this in fact she does this all the time. That she's extremely reactive, never positive, very immature, and in your words, you dread being around her because of her behavior.

If there's nothing you can do about Grandma because she's a lost cause, I mean you can try to explain to her that a three-year-old says things like this, get over it, but in my opinion, you're better off focusing on teaching your daughter a lesson here.

That while it isn't nice to say things which might hurt somebody else's feelings... But also, it's important to stand up for yourself. Perhaps saying "I don't like that, instead of I don't like YOU" would have been better (yes I know she's only three a little young to be making this sort of distinction but you never know, some three year olds are brilliant) and just focus on your daughter in this case, giving her the tools that she's going to need going forward in life to deal with difficult and immature people. Her grandmother is obviously going to be a recurring problem and great practice for other immature kids who she meets along the way, to practice her correct response with.

I'm so sorry that your mother-in-law is an adult toddler. I know a few of these people. It's incredibly frustrating if there's no cognitive/psychological issue involved, and it's just them being insufferable.

I suspect she's using the tears to be emotionally manipulative. I wouldn't make the chaos say sorry. Being ticked excessively isn't very nice. She needs to learn boundaries. If she cries again, I'd ignore her. I'd actually tell the child that nanny is fine and just needs time out!

Your MIL should apologise to your child for carrying on tickling her after being asked to stop. I absolutely hated this as a child but we weren't allowed to use our voices then. It feeds into the narrative that we have to do whatever adults want without protest.. And that's a dangerous road to go down.

YABU

You should not have told off your 3yr old or told her to apologise. SHE did nothing wrong. You should have had her back all the way through and didn't.

As for your attention-seeking batshit MIL...

This is the key point for me! Your MIL is out of order for not listening to GD and respecting her wishes, and then bloody immature and damaging to GD for running off crying.

Your poor 3 year old.
Glad you are going to apologise.
Do you want to damage your child?
For your child to have boundary issues?
For your child to think anyone can touch her?

Take this very very seriously.
Speak to your husband.
Your children need protection from his badshit, hysterical, manipulative mother.

What a selfish immature woman she is. She also has no respect for your 3 year old's wishes which is terrible. My dad was like that, he knew I hated being tickled but would carry on despite it reducting me to tears and begging him to stop and then he would get angry with me for being "pathetic". He would also tease me remorselessly; it really affected me. She needs to pack it in and apologise.

My ex MIL is just like this! She lives abroad thankfully so I dont have to see her, but last year she came over for a week. She took my son out after school (he was 6) and I told her to have him back by 7 for bed. She came back, after multiple phones calls from me, at 9pm and my son was exhausted and jacked on sugar. She tried to give him a hug goodbye and he wriggled away and said no. Son's dad, my ex, said to son to come back for a cuddle and he said no and ran upstairs. Ex MIL literally burst into tears like shed been told her nearest or dearest had died. She literally wailed! Poor son then burst into tears and I had to open the door and push ex and his mum out and tell them to calm the f down and leave! It was absolutely astonishing, even for a pair of narcissists like them.

Poor son took ages to calm down and fall asleep. Some people are just extremely dramatic and self centred.

Good on your daughter for sticking up for her boundaries at such a young age.

MIL should be the one apologising, your DH needs to tell her in plain terms, she doesn't like it, she asked you to stop, dont do it again, waterworks were to get sympathy which she certainly doesnt need to make it all about her, shes a bully, your DD is not her toy

If I spoke to her about it it would be ONCE. After that I'd model what I wanted my daughter to do, stick up for herself and not feel she has to do what granny wants incase she bursts into tears.

Why should your daughter apologise - she reacted totally reasonably. I don't think she should be emotionally manipulated by your MIL who needs to get a fricking grip. I would ignore MIL and let her settle down on her own.

and you still see her? You have the patient of a saint, most people would just ignore her completely. She obviously likes drama, she can watch daytime tv, no need to drag you there.

You sound so kind to make so much effort and try to please her. You've done nothing wrong, you are already doing a lot more than most.

I absolutely hate tickling.

I have vague recollections of being tickled by one of my older brother as a child and being ignored when I couldn't catch my breath and ended up in tears.

It's horrible and invasive and my reaction would have been the same as your 3 year old OP. I would not like the person inflicting it on me.

And far from being made to apologise to her grandmother she should be praised and encouraged for standing her ground and letting grandmother know that she can't inflict unwelcome touching on her.

Whatever grandmother has going on in her life at the moment, crying is a ridiculous reaction from an adult in this situation and maybe if she didn't behave in a way that makes a small child uncomfortable, she wouldn't be told that said child doesn't like her.

MIL is emotionally immature and manipulative. A toddler should not be trained to feel responsible for an adult's feelings. Do not feed into MIL's melodrama. No apologies.

And next time she gives you the silent treatment, let it go on for as long as she pleases.

This is a woman who is behaving like a sulky child. The reaction to the tickling and the silent treatment go hand in hand with this personality type. The best thing you can do when MIL behaves this way is ignore her. It's all her way of shifting blame so that she can be the victim.

I was raised by a woman like this, so I know....

Some people have very intense emotional reactions to perceived rejection or criticism. It’s something they feel instantly and it’s just something that happens to them (no help to you). She might have felt utterly rejected like a punch by her granddaughter whereas others wouldn’t give it a second thought.

She makes false accusations against people? So when her crying and tantrums don't get her what she wants what are you going to do when she makes false accusations against you? Are you really willing to risk the security of your family with this manipulating and emotionally erratic woman?

Oh yes, she has many times made accusations against me on various things, fallen out with other family members with a “you did this to me and it realky hurt my feelings! Boo hoo” narrative. Luckily my DH and FIL and other family members are well aware of her nonsense but I really have had enough, and seriously contemplating no contact.

You are not unreasonable. Children often dislike being tickled - I don't! It's torture and provokes a hysterical reaction.

If your daughter made it clear she did not like that, your mother in law should have stopped.

She sounds a bit on the hysterical side to me. Let her calm down and explain it to her simply.

It's an ADHD trait along with over reaction to criticism. I have it. You're right, it can feel like a punch, or worse.

And that is no excuse for running away crying from a 3 year old.

I know I am risking a pile on, but in some quarters if you keep tickling a child who has asked you to stop it is considered abusive behaviour.