MIL crying over this?

[Jinglealltheway123]

My 3 yo daughter (after being tickled by my MIL, whom I asked her to stop) declared “hmph! I dont like you!” to her Grandmother after she finally stopped tickling her. In response to this my MIL burst into tears, and ran into her bedroom…I told my 3yo that wasn’t a very nice thing to say and to apologies to her GM but really I feel this reaction was totally, totally unacceptable. This is not the first time she has acted this way in front of me or my children. AIBU to have a conversation with MIL about it? Is it my 3yo?? She says it to me when she doesnt get her own way and I juat say “oh dear” 😅

100% agree that's it's not on your daughter to apologise. Mil should be the one to apologise for taking it too far. Your daughter apologising will just strengthen MILs feelings that it's others who are in the wrong when she pushes boundaries.

I personally think it's ok sometimes for adults to cry and show some emotion infront of children BUT not in that way. Your 3 year old didn't run to the bathroom crying when MIL was annoying her too much. Your daughter isn't responsible for MIL sensitivities. Your MIL isn't your daughter's responsibility, she's a child who wasn't listened to when she told the adult to stop, then was probably confused why MIL was hurt/crying, then she's being asked to apologise. Dd did nothing wrong but try to assert her (very valid) feelings.

I would rephrase it for her- MiL, DD is only 3 and needed to tell you she doesn’t like being tickled. I told you that as well.

However, it is ok for MiL to get upset and rush off, her feelings are her own. It is ok for DD to know that grown ups get upset, and it’s ok to be upset. It isn’t her job to fix it.

How old is your MIL?

Yes - it's a strange relationship, however, to me it doesn't sound like it's something that she can control. It is unlikely she willed herself to cry at the moment your DD said what she said. Depending on her age - it can be hormonal (menopause?), MH issues, etc.

As to the 3yo - I don't think it's an emotional damage to tell her that grandma got upset because you said you didn't like her. It is not a nice thing to say to people.
This does not make her feel responsible for g-mother's feelings - but helps her start understanding that words can hurt people, and that words have consequences.

Another one saying don’t get your DD to apologise - she’ll learn that apologising when our boundaries are ignored is ‘right’ and it’s not! I understand why you’d seek to appease MIL in this way because her reaction and behaviour afterwards was manipulative. It’s hard to see this when you’re in the middle of it.

She might have other stuff going on, be emotionally fragile but should still stop whatever it is she’s doing to someone else when asked, and be the one to say sorry.

MIL is 69 and is really starting to make me dread visits with the children to see their GM. She once didn't speak to me for 2 weeks because I asked her when she took DS shopping without telling me where they were going , to just let me know next time. I find myself having to speak yo her as if she were the toddler to keep things calm. Thank you tor the advise re not apologising, I did regret it afterwards 🙈 the situation always escalates to something when we visit.

My niece went through a phase of this a yearish ago when 2 to 3. Its completely normal. It often meant in her case that she didn't like what was happening or she was bored but didnt know how to express that so did it.

Our response was usually "oh that's a shame, I like you." and she seemed to realise the context after a while and hasn't done it since.

Bursting into tears is a complete over reaction by your mother in law, your daughter won't even remember saying it (she probably now will given the reaction!)

"She once didn't speak to me for 2 weeks because I asked her when she took DS shopping without telling me where they were going"...

Granny knows that for best results, emotional manipulation should be established early.

She sounds like quite the manipulator, OP. It’s not up to you or your (3-year-old!) daughter to validate her feelings when she’s being unreasonable. Sorry you’re having to manage this.

I remember my (STBX) MIL throwing a paddy and refusing to come to the park with us because 2yo nephew said he wanted to sit next to (super fun, affectionate, learning disabled and childlike) uncle instead of her in the car.

I sometimes wonder WTF she's drinking.

Oh, and you and 3yo are not being unreasonable AT ALL. It might not be the politest phrasing, but your toddler is communicating when she doesn't like something. She's advocating for herself, in this case against someone who's not respecting her boundaries at all.

Cracking little girl - well done!

I'd go back to my 3 year old and explain that you made a mistake and she shouldn't have had to apologise. It doesn't hurt for you to admit to your child that you made a mistake.

@Jinglealltheway123

"I told my 3yo that wasn’t a very nice thing to say and to apologies"

but why did you ask your child to apologise?

Wholeheartedly agree with @FigTreeInEurope

"Granny knows that for best results, emotional manipulation should be established early"

I think it’s normal for a child to dislike someone who is forcing an unpleasant physical interaction they do not want. It’s called consent and perhaps when MIL learns to respect it she will be more likeable.

I think I will do this actually thank you.

I'd talk to your three your old and say it is completely the right thing to do to say stop if someone is doing something to you that you don't like. Also tell her you are going to explain this to Grandma. Teaching bodily autonomy is so important.

MIL sounds like a PITA. Can DH talk to her?

I’m definitely on your three year old’s side, she did nothing wrong. Your MIL is the one with the problem.

But your MIL should be your DH’s issue to manage, not yours!

I bet you long for those 2 halcyon weeks of peace, OP . . .

Time for a serious conversation with your DH about these visits.

I’m surprised you didn’t have one after she took your DS out without even letting you know, never mind checking it was ok with you!

You need to have very firm boundaries in place with someone like your MIL, and there need to be consequences if she won’t respect them. The way she is behaving is absolutely not ok.

But it needs to be you and your DH dealing with this together, not just you on your own.

It wasn't the 3 year old who asked for it to stop - it was OP. For all sorts of reasons, it's time for OP to work on teaching the child to say they don't like something and having the confidence to tell someone to stop doing it. The "I hate you" is a response they used because they have no other words to respond to the situation with. It's time to help them with this, if only to know what to do next time Grandma behaves like an ass.

Your DD should absolutely not apologise. She needs to know that it’s ok for children to tell adults to stop doing things to a child that the child doesn’t like, and she needs to know that you will protect her.

If MIL is upset then it’s up to her to manage her own emotions. It’s certainly not the responsibility of a toddler to pacify a grown adult.

I would have been absolutely furious at anyone taking my children anywhere without asking me or their dad.

Your MIL sounds very manipulative. You might consider reducing contact, and definitely don’t pander to the histrionics.

Your MIL didn't stop tickling your daughter, when she clearly had enough/didn't like it, and when you asked her to stop. She then wonders why your daughter, who at 3 has zero filter, reacts in the way she did!!!!! Your MIL has overreacted and also has behaved extremely immaturely. It seems to me, that your MIL likes her own way, she wants to do what she wants to do regardless of others feelings or opinions, and reacts like this when challenged. I'd say it's manipulative behaviour. She cries, runs off like a child, and then plays the victim, in order to get others to backtrack/apologise/get her own way. I'd be wary of how much time your daughter spends with her Grandmother, and I wouldn't want her to be unsupervised. I'm not suggesting your MIL would do anything untoward, but if she has the ability to manipulate, she has the ability to lie or exaggerate.

Go back and say mummy is sorry and shouldn’t have asked you to say sorry to Grandma. If someone ever touches you in a way you don’t like say ‘stop I don’t like that’. Explain it’s her body and these are the words she can use.
Get your husband on board - he needs to deal with his mother. He needs to have a firm word with her and tell her how she should behave to you and your child. If she can’t or won’t do this don’t see her. Don’t leave her alone with your child.

I think you need to have a gentle chat to MiL and remind her that 3yo’s have limited language, emotional and social cognition. ‘I don’t like you’ doesn’t necessarily mean anything of the sort - in this case it sounds like it meant ‘I don’t like being tickled and you’ve made me angry by not stopping sooner - and don’t do it again’.

Please, please, please do not make your daughter apologise to someone who invaded HER body! Her boundaries will be set for life, and she won't have a voice to speak up for herself if this is how she is treated at 3 years old.

It is really horrible being tickled if you don’t enjoy it. The GM should be told not to do it again. She really does sound immature to cry over it. Don’t pander to her.