Work Raffle - Colleague claims I’ve damaged their feel motivation

[WorkRaffle]

Last year I was gifted a candle in secret Santa. Great, I love candles and wax melts.

However, for reasons related to environmental concerns and the composition of the candle (the wax used), I won’t use it.

Absolutely fine. Instead of chucking it in the bin, I just kept onto it and waited for this year’s raffle to come by as I figured it would be a good choice. All raffle proceeds go to charity and people only buy a ticket because it’s for charity rather than because they want something nice. So I gave my candle to the raffle.

Anyway, work colleague discovered I had submitted the candle to the raffle! She’s really angry and brought it up yesterday in our weekly catch-up.

I was pretty thrown. Apparently my gifting the candle to the raffle has impacted the colleagues motivation as they don’t feel valued!

AIBU to think the person is being completely ridiculous and unreasonable to have bought it up - it’s a candle from Boots, not their life’s work!!!

Absolutely this- you know full well you were an arsehole but your obsession with her behaviour is you trying to deflect and make this woman out to be unhinged instead of rightfully hurt at the shitty thing you did.

That candle could have gone to anyone if you were so desperate to get rid of it- many people have suggested where you could have regifted it that wouldn't have hurt people or come across as nasty AF.

You humiliated this poor woman at work and are now trying to slag her off even more hoping we will all join you in saying "wow- what a weirdo she is, so abnormal".

I am glad this thread hasnt gone your way.

Maybe now you'll look at your mean spirited behaviour.

Oh hang on – it was a Secret Santa gift first. So something that person had taken care to choose and spend money on. You then showed your disdain for the gift by chucking it in the office raffle for everyone to see. That is HARSH. And as cheap AF.

Did you at least apologise?

You were tactless and mean spirited. Why didn’t you take it to a charity shop instead? It feels like you’ve waited a year to make a point about how you didn’t like your gift.

She's being OTT but it's rude to regift it in a way that she'll see it - anyone would know this so if I was her I'd have concluded it was deliberate rudeness on your part. So why do that?

Why are you so focused on whether it's normal. She has explained what her feeling is and you are basically saying that because it's not something you would be bothered about then she can't be either.
She's bothered by it, you need to understand that people are different and trust her on that.
She may be unable to understand why you don't want to burn a candle or just throw it, but hopefully she has enough respect for you to understand that not everyone thinks like her.
Store it away in your memory bank so you will take into account that sometimes people care a lot about things that you don't, apologise for your part in the issue, and manage the situation accordingly regarding the work performance.

I’ve voted that the OP is being unreasonable, not the work colleague but the second post saying that the question is whether or not the colleague is unreasonable doesn’t really fit, so my vote stands for the former. I think it’s rather cheap to stash a gift in a locker for a year with the sole purpose of putting it into the next Christmas raffle hoping the gifter won’t notice and that somebody else may like the thing that I didn’t. If I had been the gifter, I probably wouldn’t said anything but my feelings would be hurt and I’d assume that I wasn’t liked.

@WorkRaffle I think I personally would not blame my lack of motivation on this. But evidently it really affected her. It’s not for you to judge what can and cannot affect someone, just bc you wouldn't feel the same. I have a friend who dislikes walking into a party on their own. That doesn't bother me - but it bothers them and their feeling is perfectly valid, even though I don't share it.

Tbh it feels more as tho she was really upset about this (not unreasonable) and used the 121 as a chance to raise it.

I did! I said I was sorry if it had upset her and that it wasn’t my intention.

Which it genuinely wasn’t. I just received it, shoved it in my locker, and got it out 11 months later. There was no more thought than ‘oh I won’t use this, but someone might like it in the raffle.’

OP I think you should reflect on what you did, in light of the vast majority of posts saying what you did was wrong. People in real life won’t be as honest with you.

Maybe your colleague is oversensitive, we don’t know her. But what you did was thoughtless.

You should learn from this.

I asked her if she was okay as I had noticed her output was low.

Don't talk with her (or anyone at work, unless you're their actual boss) like this again. Focus on the fact that the work is not done and the impact of that; don't assume, suggest, or imply there's a personal issue with the worker. You did open the door for unprofessional confession and over-personalisation.

Your action was a bit thoughtless/not the best etiquette, but in your colleague's place I would just have thought that you didn't like the candle and are maybe a bit rude, I wouldn't have extended it to thinking you feel negatively about my work - or about me as a person, although I doubt I'd care if you did. In your place now, I'd just explain to the colleague that you couldn't use the candle but you knew someone else who could would like and appreciate it, and apologise for not being more aware that colleague might see the candle in the raffle and feel slighted. That would be a lot more effective in saving your working relationship that being scornful and disbelieving and refusing to see her point of view even though she has taken a risk - invited BY you - in telling you her feelings.

Yes it was a bit misguided to put in a raffle where the gifter would see it. But her reaction is completely ridiculous and over the top. She needs to wise up and just get on with her job.

.. Great, I love candles and wax melts.

Your colleague knew this and chose a candle carefully because she thought you would like it.

And you kept it in your locker for a year to put it back in the raffle.

Then wonder why she might be upset about that.

You definitely are being unreasonable, I'm afraid. I suspect you may struggle with relationships in other areas of your life.

You might not have intended to upset her but it comes over as an act of deliberate vindiciveness.

Exactly. No one neurotypical could claim they weren’t aware it was rude. Which means it must have been a deliberate act to upset her.

OP, you seriously need to examine your behaviour in the first place, and now when you are refusing to accept any responsibility for being rude to someone.

It is not normal behaviour to regift something where the person is likely to see it

When you do something obviously rude like this, it is not normal behaviour not to acknowledge it

Yes of course her reaction is OTT, but you aren't responsible for that - you are responsible for your behaviour.

There's a lesson for you to put more thought into things, then.

If you can't see why this would upset a more junior colleague so they are feeling out of sorts and working at a lower level than usual, you shouldn't be a manager. This isn't about her gift being snubbed, it's about it being snubbed by someone in a senior position who she reports to and who she'd been trying to impress with her gift-giving. This won't be about the candle at all, in fact, this'll be about her worrying you don't like her and don't value her contribution in the wider scheme. You're one of her bosses and while it might not seem a big deal to you, you acted with contempt when you chucked her present in the raffle.

Classic non-apology, ‘sorry if it upset you’.

OP when you are the senior (even though you’re not her usual LM she is now reporting to you for the project, so you must be at least one level up) your actions cast longer shadows than among colleagues. Being a manager means you have to be aware of this.

Of course any performance issue needs addressing but there’s reflection for you here, too.

I do not think YABU.
How did colleague ' find out' that it was the same candle?
Anyone could have bought similar product and donsted to the raffle!

Is anyone else hoping OP wins the candle in the raffle 😂

🤣😂🤣

I am

Genius Berry, what karma this would be 😆

Oh goodness no! I’m not partaking - I’m just doing a voluntary donation instead! The raffle is full of people’s junk (Uzbek wine, hotel chocolate chocolates, some nasty lynx gift sets) from previous raffles etc.

If I entered I’d be forced to repeat this whole sorry saga next year
😑

I think your stated "bewilderment" is entirely performative as you clearly don't think you did anything wrong and that she's pathetic for letting it upset her

so why have you come here to ask? You clearly don't think you're remotely unreasonable