Work Raffle - Colleague claims I’ve damaged their feel motivation

[WorkRaffle]

Last year I was gifted a candle in secret Santa. Great, I love candles and wax melts.

However, for reasons related to environmental concerns and the composition of the candle (the wax used), I won’t use it.

Absolutely fine. Instead of chucking it in the bin, I just kept onto it and waited for this year’s raffle to come by as I figured it would be a good choice. All raffle proceeds go to charity and people only buy a ticket because it’s for charity rather than because they want something nice. So I gave my candle to the raffle.

Anyway, work colleague discovered I had submitted the candle to the raffle! She’s really angry and brought it up yesterday in our weekly catch-up.

I was pretty thrown. Apparently my gifting the candle to the raffle has impacted the colleagues motivation as they don’t feel valued!

AIBU to think the person is being completely ridiculous and unreasonable to have bought it up - it’s a candle from Boots, not their life’s work!!!

I don't like scented candles and have never bought one. Are they really so distinctive that this colleague immediately recognised the one she'd given you in Not So Secret Santa last year? Goodness me.

Seems a tremendous fuss about nothing to me. Gift giving between adults is mostly a waste of time and a great many gifts do not hit the mark. It would be much better for the environment and people's finances if most of it stopped. If I ruled the world Secret Santa would be on my (very long) list of things that would be banned.

Yrs, E. Scrooge.

If it’s just a candle from boots how does she know it’s the same one???
I think she’s entitled to be peeved but is overreacting somewhat.
I think it’s pretty poor on your part though - you could’ve re gifted it to someone last Christmas or put it in a charity shop - she wouldn’t have known and saved hurt feelings!
I find it strange you actually made that decision a year ago to keep it for this years raffle tbh!

What aren’t you understanding?
They’ve literally told you they don’t feel valued. Everyone on here has said it’s rude because you regifted in front if the person that bought it. It’s not the value, it’s the gesture.
They’ve called you out publicly because ss and raffles are public work events. Maybe someone she’s knows will get her regifted candle and then she’ll feel cross again.

You make no sense.

You gave it away for environmental reasons… but have no issue with someone else burning it.

For that hypocrisy alone, you are being unreasonable.

Exactly what I thought. I find it odd that the OP’s colleague is so invested in last year’s Secret Santa present.

If someone had done that for a present I’d bought, I’d have found it quite funny. I really couldn’t have given two shits!

Here’s my take on things:

• absolutely fine to re-gift things
• not fine to do it where it was given
• you said you wouldn’t be bothered to see something you gave regifted, and I don’t think I would be, but that doesn’t mean others are not allowed to be upset and are unreasonable for feeling that way
• if the general dynamic in your office is generally good, then it sounds like someone is genuinely hurt/ embarrassed etc or it looked like you were effectively rejecting the whole positive vibe intended from the raffle
• raising it in your 1-2-1- maybe could’ve improved phrasing but better to mention it there than have a special ‘regifting interrogation’
• so in short, I don’t think this is a hill to die on. You see things one way and others see things differently. Acknowledge.your actions could, and were, interpreted differently to how you intended
• storm in teacup averted.

I’m not responsible for educating other people. And, as other people have consistently proved, they have no issues burning paraffin wax candles. Throwing it in the bin would also have been bad for the environment, at least this way someone gets some use out of it.

You hurt her feelings. She put effort into getting you something she thought you would enjoy and you regifted it under her nose a year later! We all get given things we’re not fond of. Regifting or taking to the charity shop is of course fine and less wasteful than throwing it away. But there is surely an unwritten social convention that you at least have the tact and diplomacy to do it so that the gift giver never finds out! I can’t believe you saved it for a whole year and then stuck it back in the work raffle where she would obviously see. That was rude and unkind of you. You received it and immediately thought “great! I can save myself a couple of £ in next year’s raffle!” That’s incredibly stingy of you.
I’m not surprised your coworker was upset. Whilst her reaction might be a little over the top, she is only voicing how your behaviour (which was thoughtless to the point of appearing like you must have done it deliberately as no one could be that insensitive surely!!) has made her feel. Good on her for telling you! You are the one in the wrong here. You obviously don’t like the woman and think she’s strange as your latter posts indicate, so you thought you’d come here and have a bit of a pop at her. It’s backfired hasn’t it?
Do you usually struggle with social conventions or was this a one off?

As for the criticism of the OP for not using the candle, why on earth shouldn't she choose what kind of candle she wants to use? Clearly a great many other people are perfectly happy to use the paraffin wax kind. Would she be criticised for not eating cheap biscuits or chocolate made with palm oil if she'd been given that, or not wearing something made of scratchy man-made fabrics that she normally doesn't choose?

You had an entire year to give it to a charity shop. It not only makes you look cheap but it makes your colleague feel like crap. YABU.

She’s quite sensitive, though I had not foreseen this level of sensitivity particularly given its been a year.

I can barely remember what I had for breakfast a week ago, let alone something I gifted someone last year.

Exactly. It’s a cheap scented candle from Boots. It’s not a personalised expensive gift that the person spent ages creating especially for the OP.

You may have been a tad insensitive, but she’s being ridiculous. Is she generally uptight and precious.

It is

This!
I would have donated it elsewhere if I didn't want it, not back where the original giver would have seen it.

No, she is completely normal. You are quite insensitive. You have no self awareness that it's you that is unusual so you don't see it that way.

You are being a bit naive here, and very insensitive! Of course your colleague will feel upset. Why the fuck would you re-gift it at work, where she was bound to notice?? I’m all in favour of re-gifting, but I’d not do it so blatantly!!

You need to apologise!

I'm finding the colleague's response very odd indeed. It's a Secret Santa. The OP didn't know who gave her the candle until now and presumably nobody else did either. Is the colleague going through a hard time? That's the only reason I can think why she should have reacted in this ridiculously OTT way to this trivial incident.

You are both completely ridiculous.

It’s not the regifting thats the problem, it’s regifting it back to the work raffle where obviously the person who gifted it to you originally would see it. That’s quite hurtful and insensitive. It’s one of those things thats quite an obvious social etiquette to most people. Whilst your colleagues reaction was disproportionate, she is right to feel a little stung. I cant think for the life of me why you’d donate it to the work raffle of all places!

Because she shoved it into her locker and I presume left it there for a year! Absolutely bizarre.

I'm afraid you've stuffed up here OP. Just say sorry and then forget the whole thing. Next time get a Christmas ornament for a tree or the table. That can't offend anyone.

@KittyEckersley

What are you on about ?

I would be pissed off too, it was really thoughtless of you.
Surely you can understand why you caused upset.

Exactly. I have a regifting drawer and I will donate things and use other things as last minute gifts. There are a thousand happy recipients of a candle. What I wouldn’t do is pop it back into a work raffle if that’s where I received it. Who does that!?