Work Raffle - Colleague claims I’ve damaged their feel motivation

[WorkRaffle]

Last year I was gifted a candle in secret Santa. Great, I love candles and wax melts.

However, for reasons related to environmental concerns and the composition of the candle (the wax used), I won’t use it.

Absolutely fine. Instead of chucking it in the bin, I just kept onto it and waited for this year’s raffle to come by as I figured it would be a good choice. All raffle proceeds go to charity and people only buy a ticket because it’s for charity rather than because they want something nice. So I gave my candle to the raffle.

Anyway, work colleague discovered I had submitted the candle to the raffle! She’s really angry and brought it up yesterday in our weekly catch-up.

I was pretty thrown. Apparently my gifting the candle to the raffle has impacted the colleagues motivation as they don’t feel valued!

AIBU to think the person is being completely ridiculous and unreasonable to have bought it up - it’s a candle from Boots, not their life’s work!!!

"I think the motivation issue is more odd as I can see why it might have hurt her feelings"

You hurt her feelings so now she doesn't feel motivated to do a good job for you. I totally understand that.
I would also remember what I got for a colleague's secret santa a year ago, by the way, because I put some thought into it. She may have done too because she obviously doesn't think it's as crap a present as you do. I also don't see why a charity shop wouldn't take a cheap candle - they take cheap everything else.

I think your colleague is bonkers for being so bothered by it. It’s bloody secret Santa, I’m sure half the people don’t keep their gifts. Someone who knew me well gave me alcohol one year when I was very clearly pregnant, I’m sure they were regifting something they were given by someone else. Although this is why I hate secret santas.

The only thing I think you should have done is mentioned that you bought it recently to add as a raffle donation, telling her was quite thoughtless but I do think she’s overreacting and made it quite awkward.

It's well known re-gifting etiquette that you don't regift within the same family/friendship/colleague group as the person who gave you it will feel insulted and now the person who wins it will feel it is a tainted unwanted item. The only exception is joke gifts

If you regift you need to do it to another group altogether or if you have no other friends it can go to the charity shop or a gift drive etc

The fallout can take a while to pass over.

Actually I agree with this!

I doubt I would remember prizes from a year ago so I think you were fair enough. Your colleague must have a really good memory. It sounds a nice prize as far as I am concerned.

This thread has astonished me. The candle woman is being a baby and this is all incredibly unprofessional. You regifting an unwanted candle should have been worth an eye roll at most.

YANBU

we do vouchers, we collect money and give one big voucher. On MN, posters scream at the amount the teachers receive every-time a class does the same😂, so I am not taking the "tat" comment personally.

It's still rude and entitled to have that attitude.

You sound like a twat. I bet this isn't the only passive aggressive, self justifying behaviour your colleagues have to put up with.

I re-gift all the time, but it's pretty basic social skills to know you don't re-gift in a way that's obvious to the original giver.

I am not sure, if the OP has that superior attitude and someone has to deal with that when reporting to them, using the bullying angle to get away from her and from work is very clever.

The colleague might be laughing privately but take a victim attitude in the office.

Maybe you won't be invited to socialise quite so often now. You can regift whatever you like, I agree it's the best way to deal with a gift you won't use, for whatever reason, but can you REALLY not understand why this was inappropriate and insensitive?

Have you ever actually set foot inside a charity shop?

From that comment, I'm assuming not.

My mother was an infant school teacher. While she always appreciated the intent behind Christmas gifts the children gave her let’s just say that some of the choices were ‘interesting’. She used to give them to me to give to charity shops as we lived forty miles apart. The teacher above was very unkind to make it so obvious that she didn’t want the gifts.

depends on the charity shop, they're not all the same

If it’s not that deep and it’s just a candle, but you didn’t want to use it for weird reasons, then you’re being a hypocrite. “I won’t burn the candle because it might pollute the environment but it’s ok for someone else to burn it” isn’t the clever argument you think it is.
So yes, YABU, mean spirited and bloody ungrateful. The whole point of Secret Santa is that you might get a gift that you wouldn’t particularly choose yourself, but it’s OK. I usually donate any unwanted gifts to a charity shop as that benefits the charity.

@WorkRaffle - I think it was a bit mean-spirited because it implied to your colleague that you valued her gift so little that you gave it to the charity raffle. You could have donated it to a different raffle, or to a charity shop where your colleague wouldnt have seen it. What you did was thoughtless.

However, I think she has overreacted and needs to pull herself together a bit.

But by regifting it, rather than using it, or disposing of it in a eco friendly way, you are ensuring the damaging chemicals will be released. You absolutely cannot claim to care about the environment here - you can only claim to care about passing the buck. Ensure it’s not you damaging the environment, but ensuring the damage is still done none the less. Bit weird.

It was rude of you to regift it in this way in full view of the original gifter and it was further rude of you to not accept the responsibility and apologise for offending your colleague. You seem to love the high ground. It’s time to take that painful walk uphill by accepting that you were in the wrong.

Oooh you really are a snob aren’t you! Jo Malone candles are made of mostly paraffin wax btw.
https://www.jomalone.co.uk/our-stories/craft-of-our-candle

I just am practical and cannot imagine claiming I am so hurt by something like that that I could no longer do my job to adequate levels.

It doesn't matter what you can imagine. It was really rude to regift something to the same pool of people that got it for you, whatever your motivations. I also can't imagine my work output being affected by this, but I'd be upset and embarrassed and tbh, if other upsetting things are going on, this could just be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Whatever her reasoning, you were thoughtless, tactless, and rude.

Bit dim to give it back for the same raffle.

This!! What on earth were you thinking op?! By all means pass it on rather than binning but this was an insensitive move.

Just apologise.

Agree with this.

Can you not say that you liked the one she gave you so much, that you bought another for the raffle? Little white lie, I know, but kinder?

"We once gave MIL a lovely shawl and gloves, a couple of years later when I hadn't taken a scarf and it was cold she said Have this, someone gave it to me and it's a really dull colour!, I'll never use it!"

Your MiL made a mistake and didn't mean to be rude, whereas OP knew what she was doing.

Of course it was rude. I'm amazed by your thought process - I'll just hold onto this for another 11 months and then re-gift as part of the same work group and where the giver will see and notice.

But I'm even more amazed you can't see where she is coming from - true, most people probably wouldn't let this affect their work output or share this with you if it did. But I can absolutely understand why someone witnessing this would feel hurt and possibly embarrassed, and it's really strange you couldn't have anticipated this in the first place.

You are making it abundantly clear in this thread that you consider it a cheap, tatty present (not just something you don't want) and I would not be surprised if that opinion is coming across to your colleague too.

I’d guess she means her motivation to do good work for someone who treated her in a callous way is diminished…as in, you work better for people you respect and those who inspire you…not petty people who go out of their way to be hurtful.

I admire her for calling out the unkindness and lack of manners. Your leadership skills seem to need some work