son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

[harrietliveshere]

hi this is my first post im sorry if its in the wrong place i been reading for ages but never posted cos i get nervus and my spelling is bad and i know its bad so plese be kind. i dont even no what im asking i just need to get this out somewere

earlier my son who is 14 he proper went for me i dont no why it got so out of hand. i was in the kit chen trying to get the washing sorted and he come in shouting about his phone not chargign again and i said just use the other plug but he started getting louder and then we ended up in this stupid argumant about school again cos he didnt go this morning and he says he feels sick every day but then spends all night up on the xbox and im just tired of it all

i wasnt shouting at him i swear i wasnt i just said we cant keep doing this every single day and he pushed past me but like harder than normal and then he sort of swung his arm and it hit my shoulder and it realy hurt and i dont think he ment to do it but maybe he did i dont no. i i just kind of stood there and he looked shocked after but then he slammed the door and went up stairs

my younger one was in the front room and saw bits of it and hes all upset now and wont come out from under the blanket and i feel like the worst mum cos none of this shoud of happend. i tried to talk to my 14yo after but he wont open the door and told me to leave him alone and im scared if i push it he will get more angry again

i dont no if this is normal teen behavior or if i need to ring school or someone else i dont want to get him into trouble he can be so sweet usualy but lately its like everythings a battle and now this has happend i feel like im shaking even now typing it out

what do i even do now i dont no.

What happens when he doesn’t go to school? Does your other child go to school?

Get rid of the x box. He doesn’t deserve it and he’s up all night and refusing school and now he’s abusing his mother.
He is on a hiding to prison if you don’t nip this in the bud. You sound scared of him.
Where’s his dad?

He is addicted to gaming by the sounds of it. Can the school offer support to you do you think?

I think you need to go with your DS to see the GP and also speak to school. I think you need to find out what has been happening at school from.his point of view and from the school.

He sounds to be struggling.
Has this been a recent change or a build up?

If you afford a private therapist I'd get him seeing one so he can off load to someone.

I'd also wait until some calmness resumes and say (calmly) that he hurt you and that behaviour is not acceptable. But rekind him you will support and help him. I find going for a walk or a drive in the car makes difficult conversations easier.

He should not be alllowed to be on his x box all night

gaming addiiction is real. And this is clearly having an impact on him mentally

thats your first step

Is there another adult (ideally male) you can get to talk to him while you get over the shock? His dad, or a grandad or an uncle maybe. In the short term, focus on calming things down - cuddle up with the younger child. Ask another adult to visit. Start making plans that involve Xbox limits, back to school, strong adult mentor for your son. Good luck.

He's dysregulated because his mind and nervous system is completely out of balance. He's addicted to gaming which is destroying his capacity to focus, concentrate, feel pleasure and happiness and manage his frustration. His brain literally can't cope with the effect of gaming. You need to remove the Xbox for a while and if you do reintroduce it with heavy restrictions: it's out of hand now and needs to get back in hand.

First of all don’t try and talk to him again until he is calm. Give him space or it will just flare up again. Has he had anything to eat and drink? Have you? I would make him a plate of food, knock on his door and say you have left it for him and then leave him alone again.
Can you take him out later without your other son? Go to Costa or Macdonalds, somewhere neutral You need to listen to him, really listen, and find out what is going on. Then you can set out calmly that his behaviour this morning was not acceptable and talk about how he can manage himself when he gets upset. And try and sort out what might be happening elsewhere in his life.

Firstly, YOU are the parent here and he is a CHILD, so you need to put some clear boundaries in place.

Why on earth are you letting a 14 year old play on his Xbox all night???? My 15 year old has to hand his phone over at 9.30pm and off any games consoles. I won't allow the Xbox in his bedroom, but if it was, the controllers would be handed over with his phone.

If my DS does not get up for school, he loses his phone all day along with the games console. His phone time is also restricted and after school he cannot have his phone until he has done some school work.

It is the behaviour of a teen who is clearly tired from lack of sleep, and who needs very clear action/consequence.

Decide on your boundaries and then make them very clear to your son.

Cut the plug off the xbox

ok im trying to answer but its all a bit much so sorry if i miss bits. im not ignoring anyone i just get muddled reading loads of replies at once.

when he doesnt go school they ring me after like 9ish then again later and i just say hes not well or hes not getting up. they keep saying theyl do a home visit but they never come. i used to drag him but hes bigger than me now and i cant physcially get him out the bed. the younger one does go mostly but hes been late loads cos of all this and they had a go at me last term.

about the xbox i no i should take it but everytime ive tried before he goes mental and last time he kicked a hole in the door so i just kind of gave up cos i cant deal with another scene like that. it is in his room cos theres nowhere else to put it really. i no its not good but its how it is right now. im not scared of him as such but i dont want it all kicking off again espechally today.

his dad isnt around. he sees him every few months if that. hes not the type to come here and talk to him. my dad is ill so cant help. theres my sister but they dont get on and he wont talk to her anyway.

i dont no whats going on with him at school. they just keep saying hes anxious and needs routine but then they dont do anything else. he wont tell me anything just says its boring or stupid or he feels sick. its been building up for months not just recent.

i did make him a sandwhich and put it outside his door but he hasnt taken it yet. im trying to stay calm but i feel shakey still. i dont think taking the plug off the xbox will help right now itll just make it all explode again. maybe later when hes calmed down.

i dont no what to do next really. i feel like im failing him.

You remove the ‘box’ and the phone until he has a proven track record for attending school and behaving.

He needs help and you need help. Are there local services that may be able to provide help?

If he is up all night he will feel poorly during the day

OP I agree you may need formal help
he needs to be in school
tge Xbox needs to be weekend only after homework

but I guess you know that - but how to implement it safely is the question

You are frightened of your 14 year old son who is destroying doors and hitting you when you do not do what he wants. You are a victim of domestic violence -and so is your younger child who is watching this happen. Your priority must be to safeguard your younger child and yorse,f.

You need to access urgent support - and so does your older son.

I would start with a DV charity who will be able to point you to the right help.

Speak to school, be very honeest and tell them everything, no sugar coating
The school cannot intervene in your hom life but they may have some strategies to help getting him into school and also be able to signpost you to other people who may be able to help
Both of your sons need boundaries and consequences but it sounds like they haven't really had them up until now so doing it will be a challnge but better for all of you in the long term

This sounds really difficult for all three of you, OP. Is your son's dad in the picture so you have another adult to help you? I do agree with PP: you are the parent so it's down to you to set the rules and define sanctions when the rules are broken. You already know that what your elder son does impacts the younger. A starting point should be the expectation that school is non-negotiable. Your GP should be able to refer you to sources of support and/or you could contact a charity like https://family-action.org.uk/. Sending support 😊

It’s really unhelpful for people to say ‘just stop the x box at night’ as if it will be that easy. He has been physically aggressive to the OP today about an argument about a phone. Imagine how he’d react if she took it away. OP, I’d speak to social services children’s team to ask for support. Also reach out and be honest to the school.

is your youngest at school or in any kind of childcare?

If you do nothing nothing changes.

These are all signs of a gaming addition. Staying up at night, refusing school, not eating. Something needs to be done about it as your younger son's education is also being impacted, plus he is being exposed to violent behaviour and is frightened. You both desperately need some support. Do school know the full extent of the problem?

Remove the xbox and bin it. If he kicks off and is violent, call the police to deal with him. I wouldn't be setting a precedent for him being aggressive and getting away with it, certainly wouldn't be making him fucking sandwiches.

This is where gentle parenting gets you.

You take the Xbox away and tell him that if he hits you or smashes up the house the Police will be called - and do it.

It's up to you as his parent to do right by him - and as hard as it is, this is the right thing for him. He needs to stop gaming, sleep at night and attend school.

Turn the WiFi off at 8 pm and dont out it back on until 5 pm ... everybody day!

You poor thing, it's a lot to deal with. I've been through it too. My ds is 13 and his behaviour is in response to several bereavements and rubbish separation and divorce from his father. His father is busy being a Disney dad now, so it's down to me.

I've had the school refusals (he did yesterday for the first time in a while, but went in at breaktime). Your son's school sound particularly rubbish, whereas my son's has been really helpful. These are some of things I've done:

• referred to Child Services - take all the help you can get, it doesn't matter where from.
• https://www.yellowbrickroadprojects.com/ This is a national project. Get in contact and see if it's available in your area. Ds has been having sessions with them - it's not counselling, more support.
• I also found some local counselling that was free. There was a waiting list but in the end it only took 6 weeks from his assessment session.
• Do you have a safeguarding lead at school? I'd get in touch with them, as well as his head of year, if you're not already.

Just remember, your son is old enough to appreciate that bad behaviour has consequences. Try not to shout or go on too much. Short and to the point, but kind. That's what's helped me. I actually won't tolerate shouting in my house anymore. When my ex was still here, it was standard unfortunately.

Good luck.... I know only too well how difficult it is. My ds is much better about being in school, it's now his behaviour in school! So another grounding today.

Sorry to be harsh but this is entirely your doing.

You tried to take his Xbox away, he kicked off so you gave up?!?!

You have literally just taught your son that if he kicks off then he gets what he wants. If you're not careful he will continue into adulthood doing this.

You NEED to put boundaries in place. Go and take his phone and XBox and lock them up somewhere. They are a privilege which he will earn back once he starts behaving in a respectful manner.

Don't shout at him. Just a firm voice. "Your behaviour is unacceptable. Until you choose to behave in a respectful manner, you will not have access to your phone or the Xbox. You will speak to be politely and treat me with respect, and you will get up at 8am and go to school on time tomorrow and do your best all day. You will then be allowed your Xbox and phone back. Any further disrespectful behaviour will result in their removal again for at least 24 hours and until you are behaving respectfully again".

Make it clear you love him but you do not like the behaviour he is choosing to display.