son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

[harrietliveshere]

hi this is my first post im sorry if its in the wrong place i been reading for ages but never posted cos i get nervus and my spelling is bad and i know its bad so plese be kind. i dont even no what im asking i just need to get this out somewere

earlier my son who is 14 he proper went for me i dont no why it got so out of hand. i was in the kit chen trying to get the washing sorted and he come in shouting about his phone not chargign again and i said just use the other plug but he started getting louder and then we ended up in this stupid argumant about school again cos he didnt go this morning and he says he feels sick every day but then spends all night up on the xbox and im just tired of it all

i wasnt shouting at him i swear i wasnt i just said we cant keep doing this every single day and he pushed past me but like harder than normal and then he sort of swung his arm and it hit my shoulder and it realy hurt and i dont think he ment to do it but maybe he did i dont no. i i just kind of stood there and he looked shocked after but then he slammed the door and went up stairs

my younger one was in the front room and saw bits of it and hes all upset now and wont come out from under the blanket and i feel like the worst mum cos none of this shoud of happend. i tried to talk to my 14yo after but he wont open the door and told me to leave him alone and im scared if i push it he will get more angry again

i dont no if this is normal teen behavior or if i need to ring school or someone else i dont want to get him into trouble he can be so sweet usualy but lately its like everythings a battle and now this has happend i feel like im shaking even now typing it out

what do i even do now i dont no.

This is exactly my thinking.

Op mentioned anxiety. Sounds like he’s dysregulated and lashing out.

My first step would be to try a and have a calm conversation about school with no pressure to attend. Making someone with EBSA attend can make it worse.

I also think he’s using Xbox to regulate….

He sounds neurodivergent. A slap will just make it worse. Slapping a 14 year old.😂

I suppose you don’t believe child to parent abuse either 🙄

I’m absolutely not the soft parent brigade but I don’t think a slap would work given that by the sounds of it he’d happily slap his mum back and OP has said he’s bigger than her. If he’d been given a slap a year or two ago however…

How does he sound neurodivergent based on the information provided?
I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread on here where someone hasn’t remotely diagnosed a child as ND. Sometimes, more often than not, naughty children are just naughty and don’t have any conditions. Of course, there’s a possibility he’s ND but there’s an even better possibility he’s not. Labelling every naughty child as ND does a disservice to those who actually are.

Or, he’s behaving like a little yob and not going to school because he’s never been disciplined and knows he can get away with it…”using X box to regulate” 😂 Yeah of course he is, what teenager wouldn’t want to spend all day playing X box instead of going to school, if they can get away with it. Not everything is neurodivergence or needs a label, sometimes you have to actually parent your child instead of looking for excuses and labels.

Is he really though? My 13yo would be on screens 24/7 if I let him. So would most younger teen boys IME. There doesn't need to be any other explanation beyond the fact that gaming is highly addictive and many (most) 14yos just aren't mature enough to self-limit, so need parental input. Likewise with school. It doesn't necessarily have to be 'anxiety'. I mean if I had a straight choice between chilling out or going to work, with no negative consequences, I would absolutely pick chilling out 😁And I'm 44

Well obviously you’ve parented ND dc.

I’ve been there. It’s not nice. I knew I was weak regarding the Xbox so I sold it so I couldn’t give it back. In the meantime until I could get to the Xbox’s to remove it I turned off the WiFi and when he kicked off and smashed things up I called the police. Did he hate me for a while? Yes. Was it the right thing to do? 100%. He’s 23 now and we have a good relationship and he admits I did find right thing even though he hated it (and me) at the time. Occasionally not there is flashes of temper but he has learnt to control it because he knows I’ll call the police if not and now as an adult the consequences are more serious. Your younger child sounds scared of the situation and that’s not on. He should feel safe in His home

@BundleflowerTrue, probably too late for that, but still. If it was my child and he slapped me back he’d be sleeping out in the garden, and I’m only half joking.

I agree. And I'm concerned about the impact the older boy's behaviour may be having on his brother. This sort of aggressive behaviour towards his mum must be frightening for the younger boy to witness and is setting him an appalling example.

I wonder if a self-referral to children's services might be appropriate. They may be able to advise and support you with putting boundaries in place and how to manage your oldest's behaviour, given the impact this could have on your youngest.

Taking the X-box away is the obvious thing to do, but I totally get that you may be fearful of the consequences.

He is probably feeling embarrassed with his behaviour atm. I would leave him to calm down and then have a conversation about his behaviour being unacceptable and how to prevent it ever happening again. Xbox can have a severe detrimental effect on behaviour. You may need to get some professional help. Good luck it’s a tough age.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindowWho says he’s ND? Being on an X Box all night and not sleeping is one of the worst possible things for developing brains. I wouldn’t be entertaining it for my child, ND or not.

Unsurprisingly, yes it does.

It's always the ones who are so vehemently against smacking their kids who post threads like this, crying about how bad their teens attitude is and that they call them names and intimidate them.

Guess what? A slapped backside the first time, at 8, 10, 12 years old ensures there isn't a second time and you don't end up with an abusive teenager.

Discipline your damn kids and stop expecting them to just grow up spontaneously into decent people.

Because the school have referred to him as anxious
Hes an EBSA, the majority of EBSA are ND
He dm described him as ‘always being a bit on edge’
He lashes out, ie meltdown

@harrietliveshere "i no everyone keeps saying take the xbox away but i honest to god dont no how id do that without it all kicking off again. "

OP, do not try to remove the X box. You will put yourself in danger. I speak through experience. My son was very much like yours when he was 14. I literally tried to drag him to school and remove "fun" things but he stabbed me and knocked my teeth out. He was 6ft tall whilst I was 5ft and weighed 8 stone. I went through hell and back trying to get help and he was later diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I can't offer advice because this was over 30 years ago and things have changed. Some of the posters on here really don't understand how bad things can be, and how very real child to parent abuse is.

Fucking hell. That just made my blood run cold. Do you have a relationship now? I’m so sorry you went through that.

How do you know he's not?

Neurodivergent people are vastly underdiagnosed. Does his behaviour sound typical to you?

If he is neurodivergent, then looking into that possibility might allow his mum to work out what support he and the rest of the family needs. If she dismisses it out of hand the way you have, and he is an unsupported autistic person and having meltdowns, she can look forward to her son getting even more aggressive with her.

So she can't afford to just give him a slap and hope it magically fixes things, notwithstanding the fact that slapping people has never been an effective way to discipline them. Let me guess, your parents smacked you and it "never did you any harm"? (Because if so id beg to differ that it didn't do you any harm -because you're here getting all excited at the thought of the op hitting her son - that's very odd).

It's so, so weird how many people on this site practically salivate at the thought of "naughty" children getting hit, whatever the reason. It's really fucking weird, actually. Someone should study it.

I would wonder what he is watching or linking into online. Young men in particular are very much targeted by people of the likes of Tate and his ilk.

His response with raising his voice, then his hand flung and swung out at you. He isn't going to school either so falling out of places where other adults could see he is changing. Likely encouraged to do so.
Talk to professionals. You and he need help. If he is in the grip of a bunch of women hating men you will need it.
Don't do anything drastic lest his reaction is really bad. But don't hesitate to get advice. Fast.

Thank you Bundleflower for your kind words. Yes we very much have a relationship. He's in his forties now and has never left home. He's had various medications/treatments over the years. I love him dearly, he is my only child. I wish things had been different and that he'd had a fulfilling life and of course I worry terribly about what will happen when I die.

Yes get support from school. No X box and limits on his phone. You can put parental controls on so it automatically switches off at night so he can't be on it all hours. Be consistent. If he is violent call the police and they will give him a ticking off.

It’s also weird to blame the parents for not parenting ‘properly’

ND brains are different. Don’t respond to sanctions and the more pressure and demand you put on them the more overwhelmed they get.

I have 2 ND kids, both hated school. One would go, one became too ill to attend with ND burnout. Both loved screens and still do. Parenting an ND is more about reducing demand and softly softly than smacking them🙄

The dm needs help not people telling her to parent properly. It’s got to this state because she has been unable through no fault of her own to do this.

Hi I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It is so hard parenting kids without other support. Without a tag team of adults, it’s very easy to let the kids win the fight for tech. I’ve been there and had no fight left!
I can’t advise on your older kid, but I strongly recommend taking your little one out for a walk or having a cuddle. He may be being quiet but this is most likely fear/freeze avoidant response. Scientific findings show that kids who are afraid can have this feeling regulated by being in contact with an adult who co-regulates them, by being present and acting in a safe way. I think your younger son needs this. I appreciate it’s harder to deliver as it takes time, but I would talk a break out of the house having a nice time with your younger kid, so he it impacts on him less. Might be nice for you to get out of the house too.
Good luck with it all x

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow there is a middle ground though. I have seen you on lots of threads regarding ND and parenting your children. You are a very involved parent (as am I ) and we both know even with ND children there has to be boundaries. I completely agree with reducing demand but then she needs to involve the school and outside agencies and become proactive. I know it’s a lot. I have done it three times also but being passive won’t help with either of them.

…did you miss the fact that I said OP shouldn’t smack her son before your little rant?

(Edited to add that I’m guessing your parents never smacked you and that’s why you feel free to be so mouthy to others with very little basis behind your rant)