son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

[harrietliveshere]

hi this is my first post im sorry if its in the wrong place i been reading for ages but never posted cos i get nervus and my spelling is bad and i know its bad so plese be kind. i dont even no what im asking i just need to get this out somewere

earlier my son who is 14 he proper went for me i dont no why it got so out of hand. i was in the kit chen trying to get the washing sorted and he come in shouting about his phone not chargign again and i said just use the other plug but he started getting louder and then we ended up in this stupid argumant about school again cos he didnt go this morning and he says he feels sick every day but then spends all night up on the xbox and im just tired of it all

i wasnt shouting at him i swear i wasnt i just said we cant keep doing this every single day and he pushed past me but like harder than normal and then he sort of swung his arm and it hit my shoulder and it realy hurt and i dont think he ment to do it but maybe he did i dont no. i i just kind of stood there and he looked shocked after but then he slammed the door and went up stairs

my younger one was in the front room and saw bits of it and hes all upset now and wont come out from under the blanket and i feel like the worst mum cos none of this shoud of happend. i tried to talk to my 14yo after but he wont open the door and told me to leave him alone and im scared if i push it he will get more angry again

i dont no if this is normal teen behavior or if i need to ring school or someone else i dont want to get him into trouble he can be so sweet usualy but lately its like everythings a battle and now this has happend i feel like im shaking even now typing it out

what do i even do now i dont no.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindowLook, you’re obviously projecting because your children are ND and whilst that must be difficult for you, it doesn’t mean that every badly behaved teenager is ND. Lots of kids are anxious, and if he’s not getting much sleep and his brain is fried by all night gaming then of course he’s going to be on edge.

@SterlingroseI assume you’re talking about me as it was me who mentioned slapping. I was slightly being facetious and I don’t actually smack my child or think it’s a good method of routine discipline for a young child. But older children who know what they’re doing and are out of control? Yeah, if my 14 year old hit me, I won’t stand there and take it because they’re old enough to find out that if you hit someone they may well hit you back. It’s better they learn it from their mum than the wrong person on the street who’ll be giving them a lot more than just a slap. Or the courts, who once they’re 18 will convict them as an adult, and being ND isn’t a get out of jail card either (the courts will take it into account but you’ll still get a sentence).
I used to work in a job that gave me insight into the criminal justice system and have seen this over and over. Parents outraged that their aggressive young person is actually facing consequences, after years and years of appalling behaviour being excused with all kinds of labels.
If the OP wants this, and that’s where it’s heading, then sure, carry on with the softly softly approach.
And no, no one is “excited” or “salivating” about smacking, it’s you who is being weird for reading it that way.

Oh yeah, absolutely school need to be involved. They sound oretty crap. They are t even safeguarding him.

Safeguarding him against what? Sounds like others need safeguarding from him.
There’s so much talk of professionals, but they aren’t miracle workers and won’t be able to make much of a difference if the basics are missing at home. Healthy meals, reasonable bed time, limited screen time, no TV or X Box in the bedroom and zero tolerance on violence. Get those in place and the rest can follow.

Unfortunately they don’t care about safeguarding parents unless it affects the kids.

But they have a legal duty to check on his welfare every week if he isn’t attending. And they aren’t.

@Richteabiscuit14they need to find out why he is not in school- the flo’s. Most schools have them. Our FLO would do a home visit- a door knock- they engage with the parents as well as the child. They see what they can do to help- some it’s as complicated as they can! Get up and go to school. She might bring them in.

She can also sign post. Speak to social services. Encourage them to engage with early help. Get him on a mentoring scheme etc. There are a few bits available and it’s to stop it being a problem. It’s sounds like they all need help.

I found confrontation with my sons particularly difficult so the set advice of ‘take the Xbox off him’ is easier said than done and it’s hard to enforce boundaries after the fact. Hey son needs to be on board and school could help facilitate that.

I never found social services helpful. It took hours to get past the gatekeeper. And even then they were very reluctant to help.

Removing the XBox from his bedroom is really necessary here - there’s no other option obviously be prepared for the inevitable kick off. I would let him play until 9pm and then it’s locked away. Move it to your living room.

School refusal and anxiety is often linked to adhd and autism. I would look into it.

I would remind him that you love him and you want to have a chat to try and work out a plan to make things better for him.