son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

[harrietliveshere]

hi this is my first post im sorry if its in the wrong place i been reading for ages but never posted cos i get nervus and my spelling is bad and i know its bad so plese be kind. i dont even no what im asking i just need to get this out somewere

earlier my son who is 14 he proper went for me i dont no why it got so out of hand. i was in the kit chen trying to get the washing sorted and he come in shouting about his phone not chargign again and i said just use the other plug but he started getting louder and then we ended up in this stupid argumant about school again cos he didnt go this morning and he says he feels sick every day but then spends all night up on the xbox and im just tired of it all

i wasnt shouting at him i swear i wasnt i just said we cant keep doing this every single day and he pushed past me but like harder than normal and then he sort of swung his arm and it hit my shoulder and it realy hurt and i dont think he ment to do it but maybe he did i dont no. i i just kind of stood there and he looked shocked after but then he slammed the door and went up stairs

my younger one was in the front room and saw bits of it and hes all upset now and wont come out from under the blanket and i feel like the worst mum cos none of this shoud of happend. i tried to talk to my 14yo after but he wont open the door and told me to leave him alone and im scared if i push it he will get more angry again

i dont no if this is normal teen behavior or if i need to ring school or someone else i dont want to get him into trouble he can be so sweet usualy but lately its like everythings a battle and now this has happend i feel like im shaking even now typing it out

what do i even do now i dont no.

Turn the electricity off and read a book or play a game with your younger child. When your 14yo comes out of his room tell him that the Xbox is going and he needs to apologise for hurting you and NEVER do anything like that again. Throw the Xbox (and the tablet) away. Start cleaning the house or tidying to keep you all busy. In a week or two things will be better.

Sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but you are allowing this behaviour. He's bullying you and once he is 16yrs old this will be classed as domestic abuse and recordable i law. Stop being his friend and be his parent. You make the rules not him, and it your job to set boundaries.

You remove the Xbox.
School is not optional.

And what about the bit in the middle of this scenario when the 14 year old is once again physically aggressive and starts wrecking the house? It’s really easy to say ‘call the police’ (which of course one should do if someone is aggressive) but it’s not easy to initiate a situation where you know someone might physically attack you, in an enclosed space with a 7 year old present. I had an aggressive step sibling and the whole thing is always complex and not as straight forward as ‘take away the x box and be strong’.

Quite honestly some of the replies on here are nuts. Taking him food up to leave outside the door? Taking him to Maccies for a chat? No way.
This IS domestic abuse, Op. You said yourself you walk on egg shells around him. He has damaged the house, hurt you and traumatised his brother. My (adopted) dds were similar and I called police every time they were aggressive, which resulted in both being arrested and charged a number of times and one eventually going to prison for it. She is now 24 and back living with me but I kicked her out again yesterday even though she’s 37 weeks pregnant because she was screaming the f word at her boyfriend and wouldn’t stop when told to do so. We live in a semi with a young child next door so pregnant or not, she was told to get out and we will be having a talk later about how that behaviour is unacceptable. It may sound harsh but my house, my rules, and as parents we do kids no favours by letting them get their own way because we’re too afraid to challenge them.
(My bedroom wall still has a mark where I hurled one of their phones at it when they wouldn’t come off it in the middle of the night).

Have you asked him what his plans are now that he won't go to school? Is he going to get a job to support the household - only joking, but still, what he's doing will lead him nowhere and he'll end up doing who knows what?

Speak with the school and ask for a social worker to be involved. He obviously needs a bit of help, as do you. It must be very stressful for all of you.

How do situations get like this? How has someone let their child get to this point.
Is it gentle or permissive parenting gone wrong? Is it that they’ve just let the kid have whatever they want and now the child is big, strong and raging with hormones and the kick-offs are now getting too difficult to cope with?

And we wonder why there are so many violent men out there.

OP, for the sake of your younger child, you need help. Don’t let them witness this sort of abuse.

Gosh OP. I think you’ve made a bed for yourself here and I understand it’s going to be difficult to get back out of it.
Firstly, you need to acknowledge that you’re living with someone who is being domestically violent. Why the fuck are you taking him room service? Were you born without a back bone? No wonder he has no respect for you.
He’s acting like a complete thug. Stop trying to excuse that with ‘oh he’s not always like this’ - neither are adult men who commit DV.
Once you’ve accepted the severity of the situation I think you’ll be in a better mind to tackle it.
You need to go into school and ask for support. Is there an, ideally male, teacher there that can give him a talking to? Be completely honest with them. Tell them you’d actually really benefit from them doing the home visits when he doesn’t attend.
The XBOX has to go. But I’m not going to patronise you with a simplistic comment of ‘just go and get it’. I understand that it’s completely ruining your family life.
This all really matters OP. For his education, your sanity, his mental development, the welfare of your other child and anybody who ends up living with your son in the future.

@harrietliveshere you have a real and serious problem to deal with - and you will be better of dealing with it now than leaving it - imagine him being a year older, physically stronger, etc - the problem is only going to get worse until you take action and it's going to have to be tough - he won't like it but you'll be doing yourself, him and everyone else in the household a big favour in the long run. If he has no control of his emotions or behaviour and has no respect for you - it's possible he can do you (or your property) a lot of damage - you really need to think about that seriously. Do you want to put up with an ever worsening situation until he is 18 - another 4 years of this? 4 years - that's a long time if his behaviour is getting worse.

You need to talk to the school to make them aware of what is going on. Ask for help and support - you really need contact with social workers - see if the school will help facilitate this - or look up "Children's social care" for your area. I would do this first before you cancel the contract on his phone or remove his games console or exclude him from the home internet. If at any point you are physically threatened or attacked - you ring the police - straight away, every time.

It's not going to be an easy ride.. but the alternative is that it gets worse.

Yeah right. Easy to say from behind your phone screen. Sounds like he'd possibly go on a rampage and smash the house up, hurt OP.

The x box needs to go. School have identified that he needs a routine and that has to start at home. And it starts with no gaming through the night. It will be so hard for the first few weeks but if becomes physical with you or the home you call the police.
you are the adult here and you need to take back control to get him off gaming and into school for his future. I know how easy is it to not do it because it’s easy but he’s learnt you give in so try and set some rules

First off, his behaviour is abuse. It is. This isn't normal teen stroppiness (for context I have a son who turns 14 in a week). You should absolutely not be scared in your own home, under any circumstances. And it won't get better on its own. I'm sorry, because I know that's hard to hear. Absolutely ignore the "bring him a sandwich" stuff. You're a mother not a doormat. I would reach out to absolutely everyone for help, including SS. Be honest about what's happening. Also be willing to sit him down and say that you are prepared to get the police involved if the physical stuff continues. Add that if he continues to treat you like this he'll be looking for a new home as soon as he turns 18, maybe earlier. I know this sounds brutal, but what's the alternative? He will keep repeating these patterns of behaviour with women till he meets one who won't put up with it and then he'll have a criminal record.

And once you've been brutally clear about the consequences, the XBox is limited and out of his room and he goes to school.

Yes - that's what the police are for. No woman should be scared in her own home. I'd arrange for the younger one to be elsewhere (after school club, a friend's, wherever)

Agreed. This is why I said to remove it when he's not there - one of the rare occasions he actually goes to school. As opposed to a "Right that's it! Xbox is gone" in the middle of a row.

I know he doesn't listen to your sister OP but I would do this and then make sure another adult is present when he comes home.

Look for support in your area for people experiencing child to parent abuse - your GP or school may be able to signpost. Some services are for parents only, others for both parents & kids. This sort of thing

https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/115-rypp

Hmmm... I think I recognize the writing style. Isn't this the OP who is pregnant with her 5th child, with no dads in the picture, complaining that the council doesn't want to give her a 4 bedroom property? She's written before about her eldest playing xbox all the time and getting angry...

100% removing a phone or an xbox from a child that is physically violent isn't going to work.

OP this charity is about child to parent abuse and runs seminars to help parents recover control. https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/ they also offer peer support from other parents.

I’m not sure what you expected the school to do, you’re the parent so it’s your responsibility to get him to school. It sounds like he’s never had any boundaries and has been left to do what he wants. I agree with others that you need to get on top of this because soon he’ll no longer be a child and outbursts like these will land him in court.
Stop being a wet blanket. No way would I be taking him food, if my child behaved like this they’d be getting a slap and the X box would be going in the bin (bracing for the outrage from the gentle parenting brigade). It might sound harsh but if he doesn’t learn now then he’ll learn the hard way when he’s in trouble with the police.

‘Getting a slap’😂😂

Bet that would work well.

School identified that he needs routine.
Thats your job! Take away Xbox, change code on the wifi, let him work to get both back. Sensible bedtimes, appropriate communication, school attendance.
You're the parent, start parenting.

Except in this situation it's more likely the son will be giving her a slap - my 14yr old is taller and stronger than me. She needs professional help.

I’m so sorry to hear this - it sounds really hard. Can you look at your Council’s website, and see if there is a Family and Adolescent Support Service (they are usually within children’s services); you should be able to self-refer. Within the one in our Council, there are Family and Youth Practitioners who can support and advise, can arrange interventions and access to other things that might help. It’s really worth looking into; it can make you feel less alone with the issue. Good luck.

How depressing. His father should absolutely back you up, but then hes probably not very nice either.

He's suffering from EBSA - emotionally based school avoidance. School have a legal duty to support him in attending school but schools are generally shit and don't care. Join the Not Fine In School Facebook group.

Any suspicion he might be autistic? His outburst might have been a meltdown and the continued unmet needs at school may be why he's become overwhelmed and lashed out.

It's not as simple as "get him to school". Something like 90% of children with EBSA are neurodivergent.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindowIt’s not like the softly softly approach is working either is it 🤷‍♀️

@aCatCalledFawkesWhat will the professionals do with a teenager who has clearly never been given any discipline? It needs to start at home. He might be bigger but she’s the parent and the adult.