son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

[harrietliveshere]

hi this is my first post im sorry if its in the wrong place i been reading for ages but never posted cos i get nervus and my spelling is bad and i know its bad so plese be kind. i dont even no what im asking i just need to get this out somewere

earlier my son who is 14 he proper went for me i dont no why it got so out of hand. i was in the kit chen trying to get the washing sorted and he come in shouting about his phone not chargign again and i said just use the other plug but he started getting louder and then we ended up in this stupid argumant about school again cos he didnt go this morning and he says he feels sick every day but then spends all night up on the xbox and im just tired of it all

i wasnt shouting at him i swear i wasnt i just said we cant keep doing this every single day and he pushed past me but like harder than normal and then he sort of swung his arm and it hit my shoulder and it realy hurt and i dont think he ment to do it but maybe he did i dont no. i i just kind of stood there and he looked shocked after but then he slammed the door and went up stairs

my younger one was in the front room and saw bits of it and hes all upset now and wont come out from under the blanket and i feel like the worst mum cos none of this shoud of happend. i tried to talk to my 14yo after but he wont open the door and told me to leave him alone and im scared if i push it he will get more angry again

i dont no if this is normal teen behavior or if i need to ring school or someone else i dont want to get him into trouble he can be so sweet usualy but lately its like everythings a battle and now this has happend i feel like im shaking even now typing it out

what do i even do now i dont no.

Is her ND?

That might account for the school refusal and gaming.

It’s not up to the school to do anything it’s up to the parent- that’s you!! to actually be a responsible adult and parent him!

You need to take the Xbox away when he is out of the house and then call the police if he kicks off. There is nothing wrong with doing this if you are in fear for you and your youngest.

He is going end up in prison for lamping someone who looks at him sideways if you do nothing about the anger issues.

What a black and white world you all live in

The first thing to do is to tackle the gaming addiction. Are there organisations that can support that. Perhaps your GP can point you in the right direction.

Youve allowed this to happen because it’s been too difficult for you to challenge him, even when he was smaller and it was easier for a quiet life. Except now he’s bigger and it’s not a quiet life and it’s also having a negative impact on your younger child.

It’s difficult as a single parent, when you have no one to share it with, but he’s going to become more and more difficult as he gets older. You are a victim of abuse and he is a victim of addiction. If you do nothing, nothing will change except he will grow bigger and maybe more violent when challenged and the younger child will take note of that.

You're failing him if you let him get away with this. No school means no x box. Fucks sake.

He will kick off until you give in because he has proven this works in his favour. I know it’s very difficult but your foot needs to go down and you need to not relent.

What are the school doing to re-engage? EBSA is usually linked to SEND. Does he have any diagnosis?

Forcing him into school probably won’t work. School need to build a reintegration programme for him.

I’’ m not sure this is all your fault. If he has a disability, it’s not always that easy to put in boundaries.

How old is your other child @harrietliveshere ?

The school can help, certainly on the attendance side of things but they need to know exactly what’s going on so they know how to support. They can also signpost to other organisations who can support.

The OP has said she doesn’t have anyone around to support her and not everyone is able to do this alone. It’s really easy to say ‘just be a parent’ but every parent has different needs and some need more support than others for different things. If left in this situation without outside help I can’t see how it could improve.

I disagree. When a child is demonstrating extreme behaviour at home, there's probably poor behaviour at school too (in this case, not at school- persistent absence), parent(s) and school having a joined-up approach makes all the difference.

From OP's account, she has put in no boundaries, ND or not - X-box in room overnight, DS in charge of his phone, no sanctions, and now physical violence. OP, a starting point today would be to tell him that if he is physically aggressive again, you will call the police immediately.

Check out capafirstresponse.org

Apologies - just read the post about dad not being around.

A 14 year old needs his sleep.

You are afraid of your son. You are scared to parent him in case he reacts with an emotional or violent outburst. It is imperative that you address this behaviour in some way. I understand how upsetting this must be for you but you need to think about your other child also. This is not an emotionally healthy environment for them.

First thing, you need to remove the XBox. Trust me, as someone who has gamed since she was 10 years old, i understand the addiction. In moderation it can be fun but you need to put boundaries in place. No school? No video games. Screaming at you and showing no respect? No video games. He says his needs routine and structure, make this his new routine, and if he gets violent? Unfortunately you will need to call the authorities. It may be that he needs special care or diagnosing. This could sadly be the way it happens.

Even though it is the last thing you probably want to do and i do feel for you, your current system isn't working. You don't want an unemployed, entitled, 30 year old living with you in years to come. Be firm, be unwavering and stick to your convictions, it will be difficult but not all acts of love are easy.

You don't take the Xbox away angrily as a punishment. You take if away calmly because it's really bad for him.

Anger, especially in boys, is unmet needs. They are only taught anger while girls get sadness and frustration and a whole lot of others. If he was younger, I'd say a face-board of emotions on the fridge to teach him. But he's 14.

You need to seek help, both parenting and therapy. You need to reconnect. Instead of Xbox in his room, sitting with you and watching TV or talking or doing something. We pick series, and pause and chat during a lot. You need to have a positive story about him, what's he good at, what does he love. Dig deep and look back if there's nothing right now.

There are lots of great books but I think you also need classes.

Get rid of the Xbox, tablet, phone etc, get him to GP for intervention, get parenting lessons so you have the tools you require.

ok im reading all this and im trying to keep up but its a lot and some of it feels a bit harsh but i get why ur saying it. im not scared of him like that i dont think its dv stuff i swear its not like that every day. its just when hes in one of his moods and then its like walking on shelss. but most the time hes alright he jokes about and helps his brother sometimes so its not like hes this monster or anything.

i no everyone keeps saying take the xbox away but i honest to god dont no how id do that without it all kicking off again. hes still in his room and the plate is still outside the door. i knocked again a bit ago and he shouted go away so i just left it. i dont think going in hard right now is gonna work. he gets very worked up very fast and i dont want him smashing anything else cos we still havent fixed the door from last time. i no that sounds weak but its the truth.

someone asked about the younger one hes 7 and yes hes at school but he comes home tired and clingy lately. today hes just under the blanket watching his tablet. im giving him space cos he gets scared when theres shouting and i feel awful for that.

school dont no all this. i didnt want to tell them everything cos i thought theyd judge me or say i cant cope. i might ring them tomorrow tho. i didnt no u could ring social services yourself i thought they only get involved if school calls them. i duno if theyll think im a bad mum.

he dont have any diagnosis or anything like that. hes always been a bit on edge but not like this. its got worse since summer. he says he hates school but wont say why just says its boring and the kids are idiots.

im not making excuses i no i probly let things slide too much but i just feel like im doing everything wrong and everythings too big now. i will try and talk to him later if he comes out. i just dont want him blowing up again. i feel like im shaking thinking about it still.

Gaming devices for kids is a really, really bad idea. Get it out of the house.

You need to tell the school because at the moment you can’t cope. If you’re worried about it all kicking off if you do certain things it is a dv situation and needs to be treated as such.

I don’t think this is something you can do by yourself- you need to get outside help and be 100% honest about the whole situation. If it is left as it is what happens in 2 years when he’s supposed to sit his GCSEs or in 4 years when he’s a grown man with no qualifications or plan for the future? At 14 it is fixable but needs hard work and honesty now to make positive steps for his future.

You need to get rid of the xbox.

If he starts being violent call the police.

You are not helping him by letting him behave like this with no consequences. In fact you are damaging him.

Ow, what a hard day for all of you. I think you do need to contact the school, not to get him into trouble but because he and you both need suport, and they'll hopefully be able to signpost. He's 14, no kid wants to behave like that, but he must be really struggleling with feelings and needs help to express his anger more appropriately. Maybe ask school to refer to CAMHS (unfortunately it could be a long wait) or any in house counciling or pastoral suport.

OP, this is serious and people here want to help you. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells in your own home because you are afraid your son will become violent. You have let individual things go and now you have a big problem. You can rewind and start with the individual things this weekend, on you've spoken to school and had time to think. Screen time rules for both boys. Discussions about what the three of you can do together without screens and X-box - films, Monopoly, Scrabble, cooking, gardening, walks, runs, ten-pin bowling and going to football matches if you have the money. Could your 7-year old start something in the New Year just for him - football, cubs?

If the kids at school are idiots. Is he talking to people he shouldn’t be?