What would you say? I was stumped!

[Whattosay1]

New guy started at work…conversation went like this.
set the scene, he had just mentioned to a co worker that his wife hates eggs so he can’t make them at home so he was happy he could get them in the canteen.
me- ah where does your wife work, I hope they don’t serve eggs there (joking)
him- (laughing)oh she doesn’t work…she’s at home preparing for the baby.
me- oh how lovely. Congratulations’ when is baby due?
him- well she’s not actually pregnant yet…we’re just trying.
me- oh…ok.

other colleagues were very confused…as was I…is this normal? 😆

Really none of your business to be so judgey & post on an open sm site.

Working class women in the 1950s did work and most housewives had caring responsibilities. Also employers discriminated against married women making employment harder. But I maintain that being economically inactive without actually working (volunteering and caring IS working) is lazy. I’m talking the sort of life where you do your hobbies and go to lunch, not one where you’re rushed off your feet looking after kids. It’s no better being financially dependent on some bloke than being financially dependent on the state imo.

I know someone whose now wife gave up work a couple of months before they got married, and hasn't returned to work 8 years later. They do bow have children, but she didn't give up for TTC purposes. She said that she was a housewife now and would not work. She was early 30s at the time, and seemed to think it was horrific that I was working as a wife and mother.

I would find it an odd thing to say but it puts quite a sad image in my mind of her spending every day nesting and buying things and decorating the nursery for a baby she really wants.

Orrr she’s at home with her legs akimbo turkey basting every hour. Obviously you couldn’t do that in an office 😂

You have absolute no idea how hard fertility treatment can be.

I had to give up work during fertility treatment. I was having to go for bloods before work, then wait for a phone call in the afternoon calling me back for second bloods. Use the excuse of a late lunch, run or cab it to the clinic and meanwhile make up excuses for being back late, or, on one memorable occasion, take ONE morning off while I miscarried. This was working in finance , where time off was hard. It became untenable. In the end, it was my DH who told me to sack off work.

It’s no better being financially dependent on some bloke than being financially dependent on the state imo.

It's no better to get random strangers who may be worse off than you to pay your bills than a partner who is happy to support you financially while you (probably) run the house for them and make their lives less stressful?

I think maybe it is 🤔

The only thing I don’t understand is why you were “stumped”. Don’t you know how social interactions work?

I’ll tell me DH to keep working then, despite it being what neither of us want so he’s not “dependent on some bloke” (not that I’d identify as a bloke…).

And I hope you enjoy working until you die, because god forbid you become a lazy retiree. In the meantime, DH will thoroughly enjoy being lazy and economically inactive because we have the money to allow us to do that, as will I if my plans to retire in my 50s pans out.

I would assume that she’s having fertility treatment

Totally agree!
OP i think your questions were personal & intrusive.

You have no need to know where your brand new collegues wife works & i absolutlely can't see why 'its bound to come up sooner or later'

I think it best to keep work conversations neutral. You forced his hand into revealing 2 deeply personal pieces of information on his first day! In his shoes i would think you were not too bright & lacking in emotional intelligence & i would bear that in mind in future dealings with you . A very bad first impression!

You obviously made him feel uncomfortable … odd to ask where she works and if they serve eggs there.

Yeah same.

Id assume ttc difficulties

I think it's just glaringly obvious that you're one of 'those' people.

As in, one of those nosy people, with lack of boundaries, who will turn any innocuous comment into a reason to pry further into their private lives.. why ask where she works?? That's bonkers!

You had him on the back foot there for sure.. I bet he wished he hadn't mentioned the eggs now!!

Some people must work in the fullest of places. I know what most of my colleagues spouses do for a living, because people talk about their families.
Some more than others, but they don't just all shut down that side of life when they come to work.

Agreed.

But some people cannot work because of various limitations, and some people who are not in employment actually work very hard.

It wasn’t my choice, but I think society has lost something now that few people who might be interested in devoting their efforts to making really lovely homes, cooking, crafting, learning, volunteering in the community, etc cannot afford to do this.

This way of life is hardly slothful

'bonbons' (no plural apostrophe)

Most people in the UK aren't Christian though. I believe it was more than 50% of British people are atheists according to the last census.

i'm amazed no one has made the jump from eggs to fertility treatment, back to eggs again.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that as such, but most people get to know their colleagues over time, usually by both sides volunteering information and the other person then asking a question that has been opened up from that information, the old give and take approach!

OPs segues definitely need a bit of work!

"My wife doesn't like eggs, so I can't have them at home"
"Where does she work?"

I’m a southerner and can confirm it’s definitely normal to chat to your coworkers down here too, whatever some lunatics on this thread might claim!

Well staying at home means she isn’t working and

she won’t be contributing to her own pension ,

she puts herself at risk of future financial abuse or poverty if they split ,

she is unlikley to be contributing much to society -and since we all benefit from living in a society i believe we should all make a contribution to that society

, and unlikely to be working much on her own personal development ( that would be incredibly rare) making her quite boring

it is quite possible to hold down even a full time job and volunteer and learn new things - especially pre children

in my experience women who stay at home tend not to do those sort of things. Instead they turn into the women on here who can’t understand how to keep a house clean without expecting the husband to do housework all weekend - the sort who take all day to just clean one room

so yes there may be mitigating circumstances, she may be an exceptional person - but the reason we apply patterns is to make the world easier to navigate. Identify common values. They wouldn’t be a couple I would prioritise getting to know

me- ah where does your wife work, I hope they don’t serve eggs there (joking)

Could be a variation of 'I hope she doesn't work in a canteen/deli etc where they sell/prepare eggs'.

I think the OP is just fine.

I think it’s perfectly normal (and I say this as a professional woman with no kids or intention of having them)
On the other hand, what is quite strange is that you and multiple colleagues were baffled by this and you are invested enough to write in and ask if this is normal.

She may also have all kinds of possible health concerns that make it difficult for her to work. Peoples probing questions may have led them to come up with a story to avoid discussing it.

@Whattosay1
Feel a bit (a lot?) judgy, especially as you know noting about their circumstances. There can be many reasons for why she is not working atm - while tying for a baby. Ranging from medical - to simply practical.
Back in the day - I moved countries to be with my H, after dating and living in another country. H had a job where we moved, as he transferred within his company. I did not.
I was at the age where we wanted to start a family. Granted - I did not know if I could get pregnant quickly. But it was also true that if I got a job, and then got pregnant and had a baby within a year - they wouldn't pay me any additional maternity, and would not have kept my position.

So - that made sense in our situation. One of many possible situations....

Well it did cross my mind that the suggestion of saying "no eggs at home then" might have been unfortunate wording! But then I decided not to dwell on the thought because I do have huge sympathy people going through fertility treatments, and it isn't a funny situation. It can be really stressful, and at times heartbreaking.