What would you say? I was stumped!

[Whattosay1]

New guy started at work…conversation went like this.
set the scene, he had just mentioned to a co worker that his wife hates eggs so he can’t make them at home so he was happy he could get them in the canteen.
me- ah where does your wife work, I hope they don’t serve eggs there (joking)
him- (laughing)oh she doesn’t work…she’s at home preparing for the baby.
me- oh how lovely. Congratulations’ when is baby due?
him- well she’s not actually pregnant yet…we’re just trying.
me- oh…ok.

other colleagues were very confused…as was I…is this normal? 😆

Maybe he was trying to give her medical privacy and actually she is unwell. I try not to ask questions that may make people uncomfortable, especially when I’ve only recently met someone.

I stopped work after 3 years of ttc in anticipation of starting fertility treatment. Plan was for me to have up to 2 years off work to give the treatment the best shot. I fell pregnant naturally 3 months later, just before we were due to start ivf. Our amazing son will be 22 on Sunday. I know I was very lucky to have had the option to stop work, but it worked a treat for us. I had all the judgy comments at the time too…arseholes 😡

This thread is so unhinged.

WTF. People shocked that OP asked where his wife worked. Saying she has no empathy or is horribly nosy. A raging debate on mortal vs deadly sin.

Bonkers.

This is weird only in a world where you can’t really conceive of people’s lives being different to yours. People are off work for loads of reasons- financial, physical and mental health, personal choice. Don’t become one of those people who gasp in horror when people don’t make the same conventional life choices that they do.

Or course it's ok to ask where his wife works. And yes your immediate response in your head would be how can you be preparing for a baby that has not been conceived. If she could pause in time write a mumsnet thread and see all the possible reasons that have been discussed ....she would not have been stumped. In the moment I think 90 % of people would have been confused

Not being in paid work =/= lazy.

The new coworker should really have rehearsed what he was gonna say about his partner. It’s possible partner works in some sort of undercover capacity or abroad or as a relatives Carer & so doesn’t want info to be broadcast?

I work with people from a different culture and 5 minutes after they meet you they think its fine to ask all sorts of personal questions! Where does your wife work seems a normal one though perhaps not in relationship to eggs.

Why? It’s lazy not to work, especially when you have no caring responsibilities. Most people would like to sit on their butt at home while someone else finances them. It’s no more admirable than someone expecting the state to finance them. To give up work young also means that if your marriage breaks down (and there’s over a 40% chance it will) you become a burden on the state as you will struggle to re-enter the work force.

Imagine if a guy gave up work to keep his sperm in tip top condition and expected his wife to keep him in the meantime.

Depends. If you’re ill or you have caring responsibilities then no it’s not lazy. If you’re not ill or don’t have caring responsibilities, I am afraid it kind of is. Unless of course you’re volunteering (but I would class that as work)

Honestly I dont understand the responses on here.

Its totally normal in small talk to ask about what a spouse does. I know what most of rhe spouses of my colleagues do. They know what mine does. I also know how many children they have etc. That's normal workplace small talk, not hugely personal!

I agree with those saying he just made a slightly clumsy response in the moment. He probably should have just not mentioned baby as shes not pregnant yet, but never mind. These things come out of your mouth when they're on your mind.

There are so many reasons why she might not be working. Caring responsibilities. If he's just started this job perhaps they've just moved and shes not found something she wanted to do here and doesnt need to do something just for money (and no, I don't think that's lazy - since when did paid work become a noble thing!!!). Perhaps they've moved into a fixer-upper and it needs major renovations to be the family home they have planned and she's doing this. Maybe she's really involved in the community and is doing some volunteering. Perhaps there's a medical reason, relating to ttc or otherwise. Maybe shes applying for things and is living off her savings holding out for something she really wants.

Why is it so hard for some people to accept that not everyone has a regular job at all times of their life? As long as they as a family can support themselves and are content I really dont see why its a big deal.

OP, in the moment I think I would have been a bit surprised but stuck with a bland "oh how lovely" and then changed the subject (probably a bit clumsily!)

Its totally normal in small talk to ask about what a spouse does. I know what most of rhe spouses of my colleagues do. They know what mine does. I also know how many children they have etc. That's normal workplace small talk, not hugely personal!

I agree that that’s “normal small talk”, but it tends to come out over time. Over numerous conversations. And it’s usually information that would be offered rather than something one would ask directly. It’s a pretty strange question to ask explicitly of someone you don’t know that well.

I would imagine fertility treatment. Some of the medication one of my staff members had to take made her so poorly. We supported her with wfh etc but she still needed some full days as sick

Of course he can't make eggs....only birds are able to!

She's just a stay at home wife and they plan to have kids. She doesn't work because they can afford not to. He probably said it that way cos people can be judgey when women don't work. Probably wasn't prepared for the question since the jump from her not liking eggs to where does she work is a bit weird.

Because there’s no evidence of sloth in the thread?

Still no. In fact, there are a lot of non-paid ways to not be lazy.

Don’t think there was anything wrong to ask the questions you did. But I also don’t think speculating why his wife doesn’t work with co-workers is a good idea. The implication from your post is you are all thinking it’s a bit odd and are being a little judgmental. It’s a new colleague, there are loads of reasons why she might not be working that he wouldn’t want to disclose to someone he barely knows.

I’m certain mental health and wellbeing in this country would be better if every household had someone staying home full time.

No one talks of lazy 1950s housewives - there’s s full time job to be done at home that people cram into their evening and weekends to create a life of near constant drudgery.

We’re pretty close to DH giving up work on his 40s as having a housekeeper of sorts is more meaningful to us than his salary. I can guarantee he’s not lazy, he’s worked full time since being 16, and already has a long list of projects he’ll start as soon as he resigns.

Rubbish! I wasn’t in paid work for 15 years and I wasn’t lazy! I find going out to work (as I do now) much easier than taking care of all the housework, home admin, volunteering at the church, taking care of the children, helping neighbours etc.

The lack of empathy comment wasn't for asking where his wife worked; it was for being apparently so utterly unable to conceive of any reasons why when she received the mind-blowing 🙄response that the wife had dared take a decision that might not have been a conventional norm - so much so she knew not what to say, 😱 and even had to start a thread on here to be able to think why someone might take another path. Given the answer was "preparing for a baby", I should have thought even a mild awareness of the fertility struggles some face might have furnished a few ideas. To not be able to think of it, or not care if the thought did cross her mind, is a bit lacking in an ability to understand what someone else might be going through.

Or, Heaven forfend, the colleague and his wife might have made different life choices for their marriage. It's a bit tedious to police that.

I am not sure the question itself was too odd in fairness, though I think people are picking up on a feeling that the op might be rather overly-interested in his wife. I mean there's not JUST the question being asked, but the surprising inability to process the answer and the need to start a thread on it. It has a whiff of mentionitis - and I did giggle at @SpidersAreShitheads 's use of the word "crowbarring!"

I totally agree with @PenelopeSkye.

There are so many reasons this lady may not work and some are reasons to be empathetic and not judgmental, and the balance are largely a case of MYOB.

ETA it seems to be either a case of morbid curiosity about this particular wife, a total inability to see things from a different perspective, or just a plain old goady thread about women who exercise a decision not to work because that works for their family circumstances.

Really? Most MNers seem very unfriendly to their colleagues.
I know the names and occupation of all my colleagues spouses, their children, their hobbies, their children's hobbies...
OP, you asked a very normal question, and it was an odd and awkward answer.

That’s what I said.

If he didn't want to answer he could have said 'no they don't have eggs at her work' and moved on.
I would assume fertility treatment though and just have said 'lovely' 'great' 'well no eggs at home' and moved on.
It is wild she doesn't like eggs that much though.

I would assume that she is undergoing fertility treatment. I know some women give up work while trying, usually after several failed rounds of IVF, including miscarriages. I believe stress can impact on the chance of successful IVF. So I would assume that, and would be compassionate and not ask further questions unless he volunteers information.

Btw, I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking what someone’s partner does for a living. It’s completely standard small talk.