What does the baby want for Christmas? Can you just order that for me?

[soddingpuppets]

I’m probably being ungrateful and sleep deprivation making me less patient than usual but the following exchange from MIL has left me really grumpy.

MIL: can you let me know what DS wants for Christmas

Me: no worries, here’s the Amazon list we have for him. Hopefully there’s something you like the look of for him there, if not let me know and I’ll rethink

MIL: the puppets look good. I don’t do Amazon so can you order for me?

Me: they don’t need to be from Amazon. It doesn’t even need to be that exact set. He loves all the different puppets at sensory

MIL: it’s easier if you order it. It’s probably easier if you order it to your house as well. I can give DH the money when I see him in two weeks

Of course it’s easier for you. I’ve thought of a selection of gifts, ordered it myself, added the Amazon box to my December cardboard deluge, wrapped it, and then we also have to deal with the cash (doesn’t do online banking either) so we’ll feel the financial hit of the gift as well because our lives are entirely cashless.

And before people say, yes I do have slightly tense relationship with her. She’s in her mid sixties so not in her dotage, but acts helpless and expects DH to do everything for her (example from last week was being unable to scan a QR code and being unwilling to learn) so this builds on an existing frustration. She can do her Ocado shop online and order all sorts from a variety of random websites, but can’t do an Amazon order which would make our life easier.

So AIBU to be annoyed that she can’t find some finger puppets (or blocks or books or a shape sorter which were also on the list or something not from the list at all) from literally any shop or any website herself.

I think YABU sorry.

Just because you know what they are, doesn’t mean MIL would have a clue.

My nephew wants something and I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about and when I tried googling it loads of different ones came up.

I’d rather get someone what they actually want so I say tell me the exact one you want and I’ll get it.

I think you’re probably finding fault when there’s no fault in this scenario.
She’s genuinely trying to do the right thing.

I don’t snipe but bloody sick of MIL foisting random tat on us that we’ve clearly told her the kids don’t like and won’t use. And that’s with me being happy to order stuff for her!

We used to buy mils gift for our children too, wrap it and give it to her and she would give us the money, we did it every year!

So if you don’t know, how is someone who doesn’t live with them meant to know?

I don’t understand this thread at all.

Posters are annoyed when they’re asked what their kids want, they’re annoyed if they get given money to buy something you know they’d want and people are annoyed if they buy something that they don’t want.

It sounds like gift givers literally can’t do anything right.

I get it. My in-laws and my parents have done this many times. They don’t even ask now they just send some money in November. I mean it’s nice and generous but it’s just an extra job for me.

YANBU at all.

It's the thought that counts, and she isn't putting in any thought or effort at all. In fact she's adding to yours, at a time when you're overstretched and she has plenty of free time!

My DM and DMIL used to do this all the time. In one particularly bad year, DM decided that she wanted to get them skateboards. Not something they'd ever expressed an interest in, but hey, I was just grateful she'd had an idea for once. Then it turned out that she had no intention of actually shopping for skateboards herself. She wanted me to research them and shop for them, plus any safety equipment to go with them. I said no, she could do that, I didn't have time. She said, "But I don't know anything about skateboards." Well, nor do I, Mum, and you're the one who wants to give them to the kids! Eventually, to my amazement, she did actually buy some skateboards and give them to the kids (I think her friend helped her).

The kids used them once and didn't like them, but I never told DM that; I'm not that mean. I said they liked them. But after that DM just sent them cheques. The effort of actually buying presents once was just too much for her.

There are so many items on this list because I thought people might want to have a lot of choice and me have a big family. so it means it’s easy for me to buy things that he doesn’t get for Christmas or his birthday. I’m one of three, DH is one of four, there my parents, his mum, his dad and step mum so potentially a lot of people the list could be going to. There’s no expectation that anyone would buy everything on the list, and they’re mostly cheap items like books and small toys. It’s not like I’ve forward on my Harrods wish list with a minimum cost of £50.

DS is a boy and of course I hope he’s close to me when he’s older, but I also want to retain my independence and not give him a continuous list of things that he needs to do for me which I’m perfectly capable of but have no desire to learn because he can do if for me. It’s hard to explain but the help is a general pattern thing. With the QR code she asked DH to scan if for her, DH said ‘I’ll show you how to do it’ and she said ‘no that’s fine you can just do it for me’. Is DH meant to scan every QR code she might need for the next 20+ years? And that attitude is with everything. Can’t use our kettle because it has a button not a lever. Doesn’t remember her passwords because DH knows. Won’t learn how to switch the subtitles on and off on the TV. It’s a pattern of becoming dependent on us at a point in her life where my colleagues her age have adapted to home working, using Teams and SharePoint. Whole new systems brought in place by our customers. If she was 93 I’d understand but she’s only 63.

I’m with you OP I hate it. DM and MIL both did this - except both do use Amazon and I’d send a list as requested and they still wanted me to do it all. Final straw was being asked to wrap stuff as well. When asked what does X want for Christmas/birthday I now say “a surprise” or “ask them yourself”. My DC are young adults who both grandparents are in touch with regularly on WhatsApp - it’s ridiculous. My mum sad faces every Christmas that I won’t do it all for her as “I’m so much better at presents than she is”. Yeah I work full time have to think of presents for everyone from me and then do the same for DM and MIL - and then host them all - fuck that.

She’s in her 60s, not 100!

She was in her 30s when internet shopping and Amazon arrived on the scene, in her 40s during the dotcom boom.

Age is irrelevant in this scenario.

Your MIL sounds extremely lazy and self-indulgent.

Just stop doing things for her. “I’m sorry, I’m at peak mental load right now. You’ll need to sort that yourself. Thanks.” “

Or “that’s ok MIL, if it stresses you out, don’t bother. DS gets so many gifts; he won’t notice there isn’t one from you. I don’t have time to do everyone’s shopping and wrapping. “

It's normal! I have ended up buying all the presents for my kids, and myself actually, wrapping then etc and just getting grandparents to send me the money.

It's actually better in the long run, as the type and quality of presents was increasingly bizarre and wasteful.

OP try not to make this a bigger deal than it needs to be, I’ve been doing this with my MIL since they were born. Very much works in our favour now they’re older and want ‘bigger ticket’ gifts as she’ll then just ask if she can contribute £x amount towards it and sends it straight over. Once or twice if the item is heavy (they once asked for a big book set) I’ll also get it ordered to my house and wrap it. At the end of the day I’m doing all my wrapping anyway and the boys get the exact thing they want.

I do sometimes wonder does she not enjoy the whole process of shopping for them, wrapping their gift etc but I think she much prefers knowing her money has been spent on something that is actually going to be used and enjoyed.

Because I genuinely don’t know! I normally give them ideas, but this year I’m stumped. I don’t even know what to give them myself. It was an honest response, not a trick.

Yes I completely understand that but I was referring more to other posters who would be unhappy if they just got money or given something that they didn’t want etc.

I was just pointing out that it’s genuinely hard to know what to buy people sometimes and you don’t want to get it wrong and buy them something that they don’t want.

Yours is a perfect example - if you don’t know and you live with them, how can other people know.

I wasn’t being rude to you, sorry if it came across that way.

My mum does this to me every year. And even goes so far as to get annoyed when I can’t think of anything she can buy for people. It adds to my load massively. She won’t accept it if I just tell her to send the money or a gift card either (which is all the teens want anyway). Lord it drives me wild. She is perfectly capable of using the internet too so it’s not even that.

Several of my relatives are the same, it’s very annoying.

I used to order online and wrap on behalf of my 95-year-old grandmother, she was the only one who got a pass. Everyone else I would just try to keep politely pushing back or sending them to DH if the relative was on his side of the family.

My kids are a bit older now (primary school) so if anyone doesn’t want to buy online and wrap a gift in advance I either suggest they get a gift voucher or that they take the kids to a physical shop to buy something.

"Hi MIL,
If its too much trouble to buy a gift for DS dont worry about it... he's so young he wont notice. You can give DH the cash equivalent and we will put it in his junior ISA / SIPP"

I wish my MIL would do this! She never asks us what we’d like / find useful and spends the year buying “stuff” so we get a huge pile of presents and nothing is what we actually want / use. I have things here from last year still in boxes (think tiny pots of jam, cocktail making kits - all naff ingredients). Last year she gave our baby 3 copies of the same book. She doesn’t remember what she’s brought just wants everyone to have a huge pile. It’s sweet I guess but we have a tiny house and just don’t have the space. My partner won’t let me throw her gifts or re-home them.

id much sooner just buy the kids / us something from her and get the cash!

There are times when you buying etc would be more practical - e.g. my Nan used to send money rather than post Easter eggs - but this is not one of them. She's in her 60s, you've given her a long list of ideas, it doesn't have to be this exact thing. She should go to a shop and pick something. And wrap it. That is part of the job of giving a gift.

Are you the mil

This is one of my pet hates, it just becomes another thing on the list of chores. Whats wrong with buying a gift irl, wrapping it and sending it

Just google it or chat gpt it, its not that hard to buy gifts based on age and gender

She's sent her a list of items, quite clearly, any single one of them would be wanted and appreciated. There is no risk whatsoever of her getting something unwanted from that list

She doesnt do amazon but wants you to do amazon

I'm in my late 60s and can still work out how to use tech. It's not rocket science. It's learned incompetence on her part. I do ask my dd if there's anything specific I can buy my grandchildren and she'll give me suggestions. However I find it online, order and pay for it and do the Christmas wrapping etc. Next Christmas definitely get your dh to sort her out