What does the baby want for Christmas? Can you just order that for me?

[soddingpuppets]

I’m probably being ungrateful and sleep deprivation making me less patient than usual but the following exchange from MIL has left me really grumpy.

MIL: can you let me know what DS wants for Christmas

Me: no worries, here’s the Amazon list we have for him. Hopefully there’s something you like the look of for him there, if not let me know and I’ll rethink

MIL: the puppets look good. I don’t do Amazon so can you order for me?

Me: they don’t need to be from Amazon. It doesn’t even need to be that exact set. He loves all the different puppets at sensory

MIL: it’s easier if you order it. It’s probably easier if you order it to your house as well. I can give DH the money when I see him in two weeks

Of course it’s easier for you. I’ve thought of a selection of gifts, ordered it myself, added the Amazon box to my December cardboard deluge, wrapped it, and then we also have to deal with the cash (doesn’t do online banking either) so we’ll feel the financial hit of the gift as well because our lives are entirely cashless.

And before people say, yes I do have slightly tense relationship with her. She’s in her mid sixties so not in her dotage, but acts helpless and expects DH to do everything for her (example from last week was being unable to scan a QR code and being unwilling to learn) so this builds on an existing frustration. She can do her Ocado shop online and order all sorts from a variety of random websites, but can’t do an Amazon order which would make our life easier.

So AIBU to be annoyed that she can’t find some finger puppets (or blocks or books or a shape sorter which were also on the list or something not from the list at all) from literally any shop or any website herself.

I think that asking for a list is fine (I do with my nieces and nephews - avoids disappointment and duplicates). But, asking you to do all the actual buying is annoying.

annoying!
order it to be delivered to her house so she has to wrap it and next tome she asks say ‘a puppet set please’

At this stage i would push back on having it delivered to you. Maybe order it and just stay after "oh whoops it's coming to you" and she can sort all the faff out.

I think i find these situations stressful as I already find it hard trying to decide what presents to get for the kids, then I also have to think for everyone else. People are of course well meaning and want to get the children something they want, which I appreciate, but it's just something else to do.

This is the way I see it. And ordering off Amazon is hardly work for you when you have an account, you literally just press a button. You can ask her for the cash beforehand if it's going to leave you short.

It's a bit annoying but just return the favour.

"OK mil, that probably does make things easier.....why don't you keep the cash and use it to buy what you want from us for Christmas....that will be easier for me too"

Oh lots of people in my family do this too, only we have 3 children so it is a lot of faff, it's also hard finding space to hide things for weeks and time to wrap/space to dispose of packaging so our children don't suss. My mother was messaging me at work 8.30am yesterday and getting annoyed about me not replying about sorting gifts for my husband and 3 children, I pointed out I'm at work and have a lot on my plate to organise as it is her gifts will have to wait!!! She actually wanted me to reply with what I was getting and order it 🤣. People seem to think you have nothing else to organise. The annoying thing is my mum does this thing every year where she laughs at me for leaving stuff until late on, I work ft, juggle 3 kids, have everything to organise for everyone else, all the extra school shit, events, social gatherings etc etc. She's bought 6 presents and is done, the rest she's made me and my siblings sort for our own families. She will no doubt be gloating next week that she's all organised for xmas. If I was retired, only had 6 presents and nothing else to think about id be done too! Rage.

I'd refuse to have it delivered to your house if I were you.

is she busy?
does she work full time?
perhaps the shops do not sell exactly what you are asking for

You are both unreasonable for me. (her more so)

I really hate Wishlists and product-specific lists. I understand that you said she can buy alternatives or similar things, but in reality, if you give people an exact product, they want to buy that exact product.

I just don't get the point? What is the point in asking someone to order on Amazon a specific project for you? Does it show they care? Not really, it is so minimal in effort. Clicking of a couple of buttons, that it feels just like a robotic process. The only part that then shows any effort is the wrapping.

At least previously, specific gifts required driving to a shop and finding - there was still "effort" put in.

my assertion would be that when you remove so much of the care from the process, and make it so robotic and automated, then unreasonable, but somewhat logical people (like your MIL) will question why they are bothering. Why do the few clicks, when it is easier and quicker for you to do. I can transfer you the cash, you can buy it, no hassle with delivery or problems, and you get what you want. If it all becomes about efficiently getting what you want, why not?

Go away from product-specific wish-lists and then see what happens. What I've found is that for some it is too much effort, they don't want to think about a good idea or care about it, they just want to be told. Great - those people don't need to buy you presents any more, because they didn't really want to anyway, they were just doing it out of obligation.

What you will have left is the people who genuinely care enough to want to think of something amazing to get you off their own initiative, and go and get it. Those (few) people are the ones you should really want to receive gifts from, because they are the ones who actually represent what a gift should be: A manifestation of care, not a requirement/obligation.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
If you ask for something from Amazon and she doesn’t have an account then it is easy for you to order it.
Don't forget your mil grew up in different times. She will be great at many things young people totally fail at.
Also key your dh deal with all this, stop taking the present sitting on. Dh buys gifts for his side if the family, he wouldn’t dream of lumbering me with it all.
Be grateful your mil and fil want to buy something your child actually would appreciate rather than done useless tat.
I do understand if would be better for them to get the gift and wrap it. The way to avoid getting stressed is again, let your dh deal with all this.

It’s so depressing how the responsibility for every single present - from everyone to everyone - falls on the mum’s shoulders. For years and years I knew what every single present was, under the tree.

However… Be glad that she’s happy to let you have what you want and pay for it. You hear of relatives buying huge/dreadul tat - ugly, unplayed-with eyesores that fill every inch of your house.

She’s happy to pay for something you want for your kids. Honestly, quit while you’re ahead.

Re cash - I’ve recently discovered that I can park right outside a post office, run in and pay it in with my bank card. I don’t know if you’ve got a handy P Off?

Well it’s very lazy isn’t it.

This needs to be passed on to dh pp, the wrapping and mental load. All of it from his side of the family. Do not take this on. Have nothing to do with it. Direct all of dh’s family to dh. Once you start doing it all, you will be doing it all forever. So start as you mean to go on to avoid resentment and rows down the line. The ‘magic of Christmas’ wears thin when you are doing it all.

Yep, this is EXACTLY my MIL.
Got a pile of presents sat in our bedroom that she refused to take on with her last week as 'well you can just wrap them can't you?'

I tried the alternative of just leaving her to it earlier this year for my daughters birthday as I'd had enough. My 3 year old crafting obsessed daughter was presented with a scalpel, spare blades and a cutting mat. I'm not even joking. At least I know if I sort it the gift won't be dangerous 😳🙄

I don’t see how you can take this in any other way than she can’t be arsed to buy, wrap and deliver a gift to her grandchild. Now you know.

I wouldn’t bother organising a gift from her and I wouldn’t get involved with any more coversations about it. If she does eventually ask what she bought him, I would just say it got overlooked what with all the stuff you need to do. And I would add that she shouldn’t worry because plenty of other people got him gifts.

Say to her what I say to the children at school when they ask me to do their coat / laces etc up.

”Let me see you try first.”

My MIL was the same, my DM is the same. It’s lazyness and lack of care. Most grandparents would love to chose a nice present for grandchild and wrap it.
My DM texted me and said “I will send you money for your birthday so you can buy yourself something.”
I didn’t ask for that, I don’t want money for my birthday, I don’t have time to browse the shops, I don’t enjoy buying my own stuff. I would have liked one present that the chooses for me even a book. She has known me long enough.

of course she also transfers the money to an account I have back in my home country, so I can’t even access it in the UK (I use that account when I am there as it’s in the local currency).

OP you are right, push back and tell her to get him a present herself.

ILS do this and it drives me mad. I do understand that they want to make sure they get it right but it does feel like they can’t be bothered to put any thought or effort into it.
They are also obsessed with it being “fair” so have a strict budget per child, one year I got something that was £2 over for one child and wasn’t allowed to give it from them as they’d have more than the other children (I wasn’t expecting ils to pay the extra £2, but the dc do not keep score of who has had what spent on them). Often the presents are under budget and they insist I buy more to make it up. They used to demand receipts but I refused as I’m often buying lots for different people at the same time and that’s none of their business.

A few weeks ago FIL told us we had started Christmas shopping too early. Well maybe I wouldn’t start so early if I didn’t have to do all your shopping for you too! Easy to just pop out mid December if you’re just buying one present for your wife.

Then a couple of years ago they got the hump as I was very unwell and so did not spend time sourcing thoughtful gifts for them and dh ended up doing a bank transfer to them. But it’s ok for them to do that for us?

Different times? Amazon has existed for 30 years and MIL is over 60!
I assume MIL can order things online generally? Even if she couldn’t, she presumably has a local shop that sells baby toys (every Tesco, Sainsbury, Aldi etc now sells baby toys). It’s lazyness

Just forget. Do the thumbs up in the group chat and then just forget. That goes for everyone complaining that they have to take on yet another job that adds to their mental load. You are already just as busy, if not more, than the person asking you to do the job. So just forget. These people are absolutely capable of doing it themselves. They just don’t want the bother, so why do they think you do?

I wish this was true. It’s not, they just want to put zero effort in.
This is how I grew up, giving ideas or interests but not specific items. I tried this approach for many years at first.
ILS: Can you think of something we can get dd for Christmas?
Me: yes she’d love a book, some paint, colouring books or some Lego. Or she needs a new jumper if you’d rather get that? She’s going into size 4-5.
ILS: Buy that from us then and we’ll transfer the money

Pass job onto her son ..

My MIL does this to me every Christmas and birthday, it annoys the hell out of me. I now send them all to her house though! When I first did this she called me upset that the gifts had arrived there. I told her “I’ve enough gifts to wrap, I don’t have time to wrap yours as well”.

Would the baby like a cashmere scarf? Adult sized onviously, as he wouldn't want to grow out of it.

I think my baby would, though perhaps he'd prefer a spa voucher.

I have very low confidence in my ability to choose presents for my own DC let alone nieces/nephews and future grandchildren. Fortunately DH is much better at it and does the vast majority of buying and coordinating lists with SIL and PIL/parents.

I'm happy to order anything I'm directed to and wrap it and post it but I've also ordered on behalf of my parents before because they worry about doing Amazon wrong or getting scammed and it's a 2 minute job for me. I don't see it as any imposition and just means they are happier knowing they've got the right thing.

All seems perfectly sensible and normal and the least stress all round to me.

My mother does this when I’m absolutely at my limit and then claims all credit. I hate it.

My parents and in laws are exactly the same. Unless it can be ordered from Amazon, my DM refuses to buy it. So O now have to order both DDs, my own and DHs presents from my DM (on top of the ones I buy). It’s a pain in the backside