What does the baby want for Christmas? Can you just order that for me?

[soddingpuppets]

I’m probably being ungrateful and sleep deprivation making me less patient than usual but the following exchange from MIL has left me really grumpy.

MIL: can you let me know what DS wants for Christmas

Me: no worries, here’s the Amazon list we have for him. Hopefully there’s something you like the look of for him there, if not let me know and I’ll rethink

MIL: the puppets look good. I don’t do Amazon so can you order for me?

Me: they don’t need to be from Amazon. It doesn’t even need to be that exact set. He loves all the different puppets at sensory

MIL: it’s easier if you order it. It’s probably easier if you order it to your house as well. I can give DH the money when I see him in two weeks

Of course it’s easier for you. I’ve thought of a selection of gifts, ordered it myself, added the Amazon box to my December cardboard deluge, wrapped it, and then we also have to deal with the cash (doesn’t do online banking either) so we’ll feel the financial hit of the gift as well because our lives are entirely cashless.

And before people say, yes I do have slightly tense relationship with her. She’s in her mid sixties so not in her dotage, but acts helpless and expects DH to do everything for her (example from last week was being unable to scan a QR code and being unwilling to learn) so this builds on an existing frustration. She can do her Ocado shop online and order all sorts from a variety of random websites, but can’t do an Amazon order which would make our life easier.

So AIBU to be annoyed that she can’t find some finger puppets (or blocks or books or a shape sorter which were also on the list or something not from the list at all) from literally any shop or any website herself.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - this used to drive me nuts when ours were little, too! Sometimes I'd even get sent money in November with the attitude of 'it'd just be better if you did it'.

Yeah, sure, I'll add that to my already massive list of Christmas prep; along with running the house, raising the kids & working - while you go for coffee with your mates & mooch about garden centres etc to fill your early retirement days!!

Having said that, I've also lost count of the number of times I've sent a list, they've said what they'll get from the list, so I DON'T buy that particular gift & then......they go completely rogue & buy some shite the kids didn't want! 🤬🤨

No she is retired, and have masses of free time. We are very time poor. I sent a list with a huge range of items and I’m sure shops sell shape sorters and blocks which are also on the list. They definitely sell books which are on the list. I also didn’t need them to be the exact items and the header on the list says that too.

You say yourself you are very time poor. I think you are feeling a bit over-extended and you might be feeling short tempered. This isn’t going to be solved just by MIL buying the Christmas present, you need to look at ways of simplifying your life and getting some breathing space.

You sent her a list of 36 items?! I’m well
versed in tech and nowhere near her age and would not bother choosing. You sound controlling tbh. Her husband helped her scan a qr code so what? Plenty of people need help with that. I’d help and not blink.
Its a gtoup chat. Why don’t you leave your dh tp buy the puppets she’s chosen and she’ll
give him the money like she said? If you don’t want to be hit by the money, how about your sh waits for the money before buying it.
It would take 5mins to buy of Amazon, if that.
You sound jealous of their relationship tbh. If you
(ever) have a boy, think if you would be happy with your DiL begrudging your son helping you with scanning a qr code. For goodness sake.

this winds me up too!
I have a very busy job and two young kids with no family nearby for help. Then at Xmas and birthdays I hear from lovely relatives who are not working so have plenty of time on their hands asking me to decide what they should buy the kids, then order it, then wrap it. It’s just more mental load I could do without. And it feels very transactional and lacking in effort.

Just say no, problem solved.

YANBU. Mine was the same , nothing changed for 17 years now. They never purchased anything themselves for kids. Never looked after then eirhro. Now in their older years with their friends gone they want to see us all the time. I have a long memory....

MIL asked what he wanted though. I’d have been happy for her to choose and I’ve only sent it to people who asked for it. Part of why I put so much on the list is so that people can look and find something they want to give. I didn’t send an Amazon link to one specific item. It didn’t need to be from Amazon either I just thought that was an easy place to keep the list. I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m turning Christmad into a requirement by serving a list when I’m asked for one

My MIL does this as well but my H deals with it. I think it's crazy and totally takes away from the purpose of gift giving and the gift giver having to do any thinking for themselves. But it helps me understand why my H is so shit at gift giving as well.

OP, Leave your H to respond to messages regarding presents in the future so this doesn't become your twice annual task (birthdays and Christmas)

Ooh I like it. Evil genius! 😈

Haven't rtft sorry, but what I do with my mil is get her to pay me back by cheque, then deposit that in my banking app via my phone. Then I pay it straight off my credit card. Not what you were asking, but one less hassle.

This is perfect

Would piss me off too...I'm sure you've got enough to do. Babies aren't like teenagers, pretty easy to get baby a toy or clothing...

This attitude - rampant on MN - drives me mad. No wonder there are so many estranged in laws when they’re not even supposed to talk to each other about the most everyday things.

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Make this the last time, next time ask for cash for their bank account.

I’d stop this now. Tell her you aren’t doing all the work, tinkly laugh..,,,
My mum never bought presents for mine. She did for my brothers ! This may be a lesser evil

If it was standard practice for both the MIL and mother to contact the DH or DW without preference, to get them to do their emotional or physical labour, this attitude wouldn't exist

But the concept of wife work is alive and kicking and the only way to squash it is to push back against it.

I wouldn't be fussed about this. If I already had a wishlist on Amazon it's easy enough to just order the item and get it. I think it's harder now to go to a physical shop and buy things (no Mothercare or ELC) and supermarkets near me often only have a limited range (hence the reason we all now shop online). My in-laws don't have Amazon so my husband always has to order anything they want from there (including things they have looked up throughout the year and discovered cheaper) but I leave him to that. I would like to think my own parents more capable but I know when it comes to Amazon my mum just asks my brother.

Ordering online is pretty simple though so I don't see why you would be bothered about that side of things especially when you have the items already picked out. It's also better than having your in laws turn up with cheap things they have found second hand tat they have cleared out from husband's own childhood and you then have to dispose of this as it is mouldy, broken or has parts missing.

She’s in her mid sixties, not mid nineties! I have many colleagues the same age who have had to adapt to dozens of different workplace systems and apps over the years and they all managed fine. Online shopping has been around for decades and she is happy doing it. I assumed she used Amazon because she buys online from a multitude of other websites. She has a computer, a tablet and an iPhone so she’s computer literate. It’s not like she only used to phoning up a catalogue.

The thing is i know its easy for me to order it, but the fact is that if something is easy for me, its easy for everyone else, and she makes a lot of requests especially for DH which are ‘easy’ requests but add up into this veneer of helplessness. Just scan this QR code, I don’t know how to change the Internet password on my phone, can you make me a cup of tea I don’t how to use your kettle. It’s just constant things that we’re expected to do which she’s perfectly capable of doing and learning but doesn’t. It would also be easy for her to order it from Amazon - less easy because she’d need to set up an account and fill in her card details but still easy. It bugs me because we’re the busy and time poor ones and sorting out someone else’s Christmas presents isn’t something I wanted to add to our list.

As a MIL, sometimes it feels as if I can’t do right for doing wrong. DIL is snipey if we buy something that isn’t on ‘ the list’.

Perhaps she’s worried that if she buys something similar, that’s not from Amazon, it won’t be quite right?

Just get it for her, roll your eyes, move on and don’t let it steal the joy of Christmas.

YANBU adding to your workload is shit.

But what's worse is them saying they are going to get 1 specific thing the DC wants so you don't get it and they get something else that the DC definitely doesn't want so it is a complete waste of money and time. That grinds my gears so in your scenario at least I know the DC is getting the gift they want.

Lol cross post @boniobiscuit

It's my Mum that has form for this, years of off the mark gifts. I hate wasted money. My MIL is a dream.

I have teenagers, so many years of this. On Sunday I had three requests for ideas come in, in quick succession. My dc have been particularly hard work recently, and I found myself quite truthfully saying “You know, I’ve no idea what they want. Everything I do is wrong as far as they’re concerned, so I’m the last person you should ask.”

You grew up with blockbuster being born in 97? So, about 2003 before you’d actually remember anything?

I was an adult by then and pretty sure we were onto more modern ways, blockbuster was already a relic to me