Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

[LifeChoicesAreTough]

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

sorry to hear this.

17 is very young to live away from home, especially if not spent time away from family etc before then. And Uni is a very different structure from school which is safer as people know you child, have built longer term relationships through years of being in same school and more of a pastoral element.

Your post is very focused on the academic side, but it's the social aspects that stand out to me. It's the first year so the academics aren't absolutely critical; there's plenty of time to get adjustments and for her to get to grips with the expectations.

But if she's at her home town uni, how come she is so lonely? What was her network like before she started? What has she done to try to make friends? It's not healthy (or conducive to making friends) for her to be back with you most of the time and it might perhaps have been better for her to be further away to force her to socialise a bit more rather than just coming home. This is the side of things I'd be focusing on - has she joined any clubs? What are her interests?

Has your daughter considered temporary withdrawal? This may be an option and she can then decide if she would like to return for AY 2627 as a year one student at the same institution or look at other options. Being at Uni is very different to the expectations of Uni. Year one is often less interesting as lots of grounding material so it can make some students feel less certain about their course.

She struggles with friendships, and always has. Partly because of covid, I think, partly because of, frankly, how her brain is wired. She's friendly, and funny and interesting on lots of things, but friendships don't come naturally to her. She says it feels like everyone already knows each other. She has a hobby, and has joined the relevant club, and goes to the events. It's hard to explain. It's not something I can quite help her with and who knows how she might be "forced". I understand absolutely what you're saying, but it's really hard. I think she'd feel much better with a stronger social network, of course, but she doesn't have one. And if that means I keep her company then, well, that does seem better than her sitting on her own. I agree with you, but she's not a kid who quite "gets" friendships. It's upsetting.

Leave of absence and try again next year when she’s a wee bit older

@Summercocktailsgalore yes, it does feel very young, and she seems very young even for 17. Even if she, say, doesn't want to drink, she can't hang out with people in the pub as they ID her. I know the pub isn't everything, but it makes her real self conscious that she can't easily agree to join even the club she belongs to "for a drink".

Not too late for reasonable adjustments and consideration - diagnosis letter and personal tutor advocate for her.

Term 1 is hard, away from home and freshers flu etc - if she doesn’t like the course can she change?
antidepressants from GP or counselling an option?
what society / clubs is she in?

@belle40 and @InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava yes, we are thinking about temporary withdrawal just to give her a breather and be 18. I think it's a good option, if we can sort the dreaded uni accommodation contract out without loosing £100000000s (I exaggerate, but only slightly).

I'm guessing you're in Scotland, so she won't be the only 17. Without doubt, she won't be the only lonely one.
Would she ask a friend back home to dinner with you? Just as a start.
Do a part time job-even a few hours would get her about and meeting people.
Do any sort of volunteering- the S U could probably help with that.
It's tempting to say, 'Come home and try again later,' but not if she hasn't a plan in place for at home. We made this mistake with dd re. a failed gap year- she was so homesick in the first couple of months, but coming back just added in a sense of failure to the mix. She says now we should have made her stay.
Dd is also dyslexic and didn't get adjustments in place till 2nd year, but it worked out ok.
Good luck to both of you, it's such a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't dilemma.

She sounds very like my youngest, who is Autistic. We found that semi-commuting was the best way to cope, staying in halls for the days they had lectures, coming home when they had none, and obviously coming home each weekend to decompress.

Deferring for a year may be a good idea, and then get as much mentoring and support in place when she restarts next year. Communicating with the university is vital, tell them exactly what you have told us, they will provide all kinds of support to help her graduate and enjoy her time at uni.

There will be a welfare team as part of the student union - might be helpful to speak to them. Also course tutor? Get as much advice/support as poss whilst u make a plan. Drop out , have a gap year and re-start? Plenty do. Good luck x

I was a similar boat to your daughter. I withdrew and applied for a more local course the following year. It was the best decision I could have made. I never would have finished my degree if I had tried to carry on. Yes it's frustrating having to pay an extra year loan but it is better than trying to push through and ending up not finishing.

One thing to note though - if she drops out now, she'll likely still owe accomodation till the end of the year but won't get her loan. If she can stick it out, it's probably best to apply for UCAS in Jan but finish this year where she is. That way you aren't left with an upfront bill without help to pay it. Worth checking her tenancy agreement before you make any decisions.

I'm an academic. It is not too late to have her dyslexia taken into account in the vast majority of institutions. She needs to speak to disability support and her programme team. For coursework it will be a note to the marker and possibly extensions on deadlines. Exams she may get extra time. But she needs to sort it this week as uni is winding down for Xmas.

Even if they can't action it for this specific coursework she needs to ensure they have it registered so that it is taken into account in the summer exam board. E.g. if she fails a module it can often be condoned if there is evidence on file that would mean there was justification to ignore that mark. But asking retrospectively doesn't work.

Does she want to leave and go back next year? Uni does not suit everyone. I wonder would she be better doing an apprentice instead.

She may just not be ready for uni. My friend's son had 2 false starts at 2 different unis and 2 different courses, then took a year out and is now very happy in his new course and uni as an older student. He just felt really pressured into going to uni by his school after A levels (not his parents) and it wasn't the right time.

Its not too late to have adjustments applied. Tell her to get a referral via her tutor

@madaboutpurple I think she absolutely wants to be at uni; she's not practically minded and is very focused on the academic side of things, it's what gives her confidence. We've talked around non-uni options but there's nothing that sounds like it quite fits. If it did, it'd be a good solution.

Is she ND?

@monkeysox yes, she has an appointment with her personal tutor tomorrow. Learning support have said it's too late for adjustments for her December exams, but I'm going to try to speak with them tomorrow too.

@Wotrewelookinat thank you, this is good to hear, that it can all turn out for the best after false starts. The pressure and expectation to maintain some kind of academic momentum after school isn't always kind of sensible, I know.

@Checknotmymate thank you, this is a really useful perspective (well, everyone's is useful!), but it is helpful to hear from someone with insider, expert knowledge. I do worry that some of her anxiety is triggered by the very immediate reality of her exams in December and being frightened about how she's going to do in them. I understand that for her, it's not unreasonable, but it also not necessarily the basis for a massive decision (babies and bathwater, etc). Thank you.

She's dyslexic and has some ND tendencies for sure. But doesn't want a diagnosis and there was nothing in her dyslexia assessment which tested for other things to which prompted further, e.g. autism investigations.

Dyslexia is a type of neuro divergence itself. If you think she displays other symptoms, it may be worth getting her to explore how getting a diagnosis has helped others and the impact of it being delayed. I wasn't diagnosed as AuDHD till 30s and I really wish I had known when I was younger. It will also help with the support she can get at Uni and they can help support with getting a diagnosis, making it easier than for non-students.

It sounds like she's neurodivergent. My dd is too and she took a year out. I think it really helped her. She's also in first year but because she's old for the year and she took a year out, she's 20 now. I would see if she can get a job for a year maybe and try again next year. Its also pot-luck who they end up sharing with in halls. She might find she clicks more with some other housemates next year.

But she had problems making friends? Or perceived that she did?

And current thinking is all the D’s go together.

Ds was diagnosed dyslexic and 7, but showed definite dyspraxia. Diagnosed dyspraxia at 9/10 and ADHD at 30.