Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

[LifeChoicesAreTough]

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

Really glad to hear things are feeling a bit better

So glad to hear that the update is encouraging. I would continue to encourage her to seek all of the help available to her. It's easier to have it there, just in case, and she can choose whether to continue to use or not. Wishing her the best for the remainder of her studies.

@Sunnydaystoday thank you for your thoughtfulness and sharing. We had a similar thing at school, about doing too well to be dyslexic, so frustrating. But I'm very glad your child aced it, as you say, even without accommodations. They've done brilliantly, I appreciate some of how determined they must be and resourceful too.

It feels good to be connected with the university about this and to have some ways forward that are informed by what's actually possible rather than conjecture.

@Bluebuddha10 that's so good that things worked out in the end for your child; it takes some courage and self-understanding to say when things aren't right for you and to take those steps needed to change, it's all too easy to stay stuck in place out of all sorts of motivations including now, for this generation in particular, anxieties around money and also uncertainty about themselves and what being okay looks and feels like.

I will add that upon finishing their degree my child suffered huge burnout for about a year.
It was a very very stressful time.
They aced the results but almost shut down from the effort.
I was hugely worried during that year.
An excellent psychologist made a huge difference and thank goodness they are now doing well.
It was an exhausting period.

I’m of the view that you gather all options on the table and don’t remove any until ( a) she is sure and (b) you know the preferred option will work.

This means sticking at it for now. I’d push for the extra time immediately. It’s really not such a big administrative task to sort out. Get her to bring her work home and show you. But also help her work out whether this is the right degree and apply for other options through UCAS / speak to her current university about a transfer to a different department after her first year.

She should absolutely take a gap year. Go get a working visa to Australia/ New Zealand and pick fruit/ clean toilets/ learn how to be independent

She could chat with the accommodation office at uni. My DD had some trouble with her flatmate and the office really helped!
The unis should also offer counselling services, I would recommed she goes and has a chat...

What? Nearly all university students I know have jobs, and have worked part time since they were 16. You must only know people who are very well off. I know with some courses it's impossible or difficult to have a job but for many others it isn't.

So. Back for an offload / listening ear / update. Please 🙏🏾

She had a horrendous time with her end of year exams (no results yet, or so she says). And has filled out the paperwork for leave of absence, submitted a new UCAS application, is moving her stuff out of halls, and no she doesn't want to go back to class to see if she feels differently.

Trying really hard to hold it together, bit it's really oddly upsetting to see students back after the break and hanging out, going to class, etc. while her university experience has already come to an end (I'm not convinced she'll go back / anywhere when September 2026 rolls around).

She's applying for jobs, but doesn't want to work full time, is refusing to go back to her hobby and is sitting in her room right now 'relaxing'.

I feel terrible, kinda heartbroken, don't want to give her a row (there's no point), but this all feels pretty desperate and crushing (I'm being self indulgent saying that, I know). It's hard to make sense of my feelings, it's hard not to want to shake (some sense into) her. I never thought I was especially ambitious for her in that way, but she's so goddamn smart and I can't quite make sense of how it's come to this.

She has got significant learning support needs, which she's never received any proper support for, and I know we'd both hoped (well, I'd promised her) that university would be the place where she would be supported in her learning and could find, as it were, her tribe.

Not sure what I'm hoping for here. It just feels so rubbish.

All you can do is support her reapplication and work plans. Has she notified student finance and given notice on accommodation? Would she consider getting a post16 assessment and applying for dsa so that any support and access arrangements can be put in place before she restarts.

I think all you can do now is to encourage her to ensure she keeps her options open.

It might just be the wrong course. Does she want to apply for something different? Even if she's not sure, she should apply so the option is there.

I don't see why she can't work full time. Part time jobs will be much more limited - especially if she's not sure about going back and wants a proper job rather than a time filler.

I'd give her a week or so to regroup but be clear what the expectations are after that. It does sound like she's struggled and a bit of time is reasonable but it can't be open ended.

Lots of people don't get it right first time but excellent in a different environment.

She may well be one of them but faffing about with a couple of hours work a week isn't going to be the answer to long term success either educationally or in the work force.

She already has an ND diagnosis, she's dyslexic. A lot of people have more than one ND diagnosis OP and when you say 'she's not a kid who quite "gets" friendships' I'd say that is as typical of ASD as it gets. DS is diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia. Both of those are ND conditions.

How come she went to uni at 17 OP, is that because you're in Scotland? I think it's a bad idea tbh, especially for an ND child who in emotional maturity may be up to three years behind their peers. I think she has absolutely done the right thing for her and you should be proud of that. She needs time to decompress and recover from the overwhelm. Don't be upset that she needs space to 'relax' right now. It's typical ND behaviour.

People on here are obsessed with resilience - what they often mean is carrying on and on in misery until it comes to an end. Your daughter has chosen not to do that to herself and that is just sensible for her MH. There's absolutely no reason to think she won't go again in September - she's already done her UCAS!

I would really encourage her to consider an assessment for ASD. She can now also hopefully get more support put in place for her for September for dyslexia - if she does decide to get assessed the uni will probably treat her as if she is diagnosed because waiting lists are long and they will err on the side of caution. Many unis have a lot of support for autistic students, DS went on a taster week and all sorts so it's worth researching. She will be so much more prepared next time for what to expect and she will have grown up a little more.

Let her work part time - the sort of jobs available to this age are likely to be quite socially overwhelming for an ND child, and encourage her to do some other things with her time too. Is there any relevant volunteering she could do for example? Encourage her back to her hobby again once she's had a decent break.

I'd really encourage you to be really positive about the choices she has made. This is absolutely the right decision for her IMO.

If she returns to uni in September then suggest that she lives at home but joins societies. 17 is young to be at uni, even if it’s the normal age in your country. Maybe suggest a different course?

Well, she is 18 now, just. And is back at home now. I don't know what the answer is, but, respectfully (genuinely) I'm not sure that it's joining societies. She's tried that.

I feel like she's pretty flipping sad too and I don't know how to help her.

Just let her be sad and do nothing for a bit, and have a chance to pause and reflect. Is she not still working in her job? Why not just pick up a few more hours there but not full time. It's enough.

Im sorry to hear you and your DD are both struggling. It’s so bloody hard and supposed to be easier when they become adults. Much more difficult to navigate now at this age.

You haven’t failed her, that’s what is screaming out at me from your post.
She has tried it, it isn’t working for her right now, but she will work what will work for her in the future.

my advice would be for her to get her diagnosis and work out what she needs for support when she goes back to uni.
is she changing courses? Perhaps a part time job or volunteering linked to the new course in some way would help her.
does she touch type? If not this is a valuable life skill to learn.

be kind to yourself - you are a fabulous mum. She’s talking to you about everything and making some big decisions.
it’s not the wrong decision - it’s the right one for right now

Is there any chance that she can contact her course tutor again, before making this decision? Is it possible that she has done OK?

I am so sorry that there is not enough support for bright but struggling students - both socially and with assessment. I think there are so many more children that are struggling at university than there were when I went (my two kids are!) and there seems to be much less face to face contact and support.

Your daughter is young enough to be able to start again when she is ready. My son went back at 21. She should fill her life with things she loves and build her future around that. Learning to drive, having a job, training / hobby.. these are all good things to be doing age 18!

Reassure her that it's just a year. It feels a lot now but it's really not.

I know lots of people who had a bad experience and it wasn't right for whatever reason. All of them have gone onto achieve more than those who followed a straight course.

It's brave to recognise it's not the right path but it doesn't mean there are no right paths for her.

Give her some love and support and then support her to get a job and apply for other courses - she might decide she prefers work but best to have choices.

Did she go a year early if she is 17?

I'm assuming she's in Scotland

@DurinsBane no, we're in Scotland and that's just how the academic years fall for some my kids.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and wisdom. Sorry not to reply individually right now. It's late! We've had a tetchy evening but managed a proper conversation in the past hour. She opened up a lot, which I know isn't easy for her, absolutely not, and we're going to find out about ADHD / autism diagnosis tomorrow, as she says she wants some help so she can "function".

She's brave and smart as anything; I'm incredibly proud of her. And feel very glad that she's been able to talk to me and I've listened.

I'm sorry this year hasn't gone to plan. I'd prepared myself mentally if it happened with DD. We have two older DCs, neither went to university, it wouldn't have suited either. Both have great careers they enjoy after going the apprenticeship route.
I always think 17/18 is so young to go off, making life changing decisions. Your DD has fifty working years ahead of her. Right now, my biggest concern would be getting all the support she wants (being careful not to overwhelm her with it) and needs. I'd take it slowly, taking my cue from DD, restoring and building her confidence, giving her the time and freedom she needs to perhaps try again or change track. A couple of years in the grand scheme of things is nothing.
I had my own setbacks at university. My teenage DB died, then in my final yeat DF. It was devastating. I intercollated.
I think my experience changed me, and although I was ambitous for my DC, I was and am very conscious that they know they have my full support if they changed their minds about career paths, their course, etc.
Please don't think I'm preaching, you sound a lovely supportive parent. I hope and think you'll look back one day and know this was not only the right decision, but was actually for the best. That doesn't change how you feel right now but this with pass.

I’m so sorry her Uni experience hasn’t been what either of you were anticipating. I imagine she needs a moment to regulate herself and honestly just have a breather before she gets back to forming any kind of plan of action with you. I work in University student support services (at one in North England) so I see this plenty.

Hoping you’re both okay and if I can try and help with anything let me know!