Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

[LifeChoicesAreTough]

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

And the update/offload continues... we have paid for a private ASD assessment, which took place last week and the outcome was "yes", she is autistic.

This feels like a positive step; the woman who did the assessment was brilliant, kind and insightful and very clear on the benefits to daughter's well-being. We have a longer conversation booked with her at the end of the month. Daughter seems very chipper, and motivated, and lots has fallen into place for me, though it feels tumultuous, monumental, kinda sad too. But am genuinely lightened by the assessment too, and the clarity it can start to offer.

My parents, on the other hand, have been pretty nasty (they were very invested in her being at uni, and so are disappointed / concerned for her future), albeit (if I'm feeling generous) unwittingly or simply uncomprehendingly at times. In fact, my mum's not yet spoken to me. My dad wants to help her, academically, but has said some f*#king odd things about the ASD assessment.

So, things change. We've made a significant leap with the assessment, and for now daughter seems keen to explore work and study options, including doing some serious self-study.

Thank you for listening. I'm finding it helpful to write these things down.

That’s great news. Both my girls are autistic and I’ve had some less than pleasant comments by so called family so I totally understand. It’s great that you both feel like you can move forward now.

Thank you @thankgoditssaturday 🙏🏾 moving forward is the aim. And I'm braced for being a buffer for the less than pleasant comments. (Sorry, too, that you and your daughters have been on the receiving end of family unhelpfulness; it's kinda staggering.)

OP, this has been so difficult for you both and I can do understand your upset.

When we know better, we do better applies here, it certainly applied to me when my children were assessed and found to be dsylexic.
You now have her assessment and can research and invest in understanding what it means for her.

She is so young and opportunities for her further education are not going anywhere.
It's only us rigid older parents that think the first 3rd level decision has to be it.

I know from my children's friends how many of them are branching off onto different paths.
These months really are a great opportunity to spend looking at courses and getting a feel for what she would like to do.

My kids all had part time jobs and the confidence and self knowledge, and stress, can be great for you.

My youngest was waitressing at 17 last summer in a very busy spot, and the pride and confidence in getting to grips with it has been a massive blessing to her.
It was hard and stressful, but they asked for her back st Christmas and she has a job for next summer assured.
I cannot think of anything that builds quiet confidence better at her age than a job and some money earned.

I really hope things get easier for you.
You sound like a wonderful mother.
Shut down any bullshit from your parents, now THAT I couldn't be listening to at all.

Ah, @Sunnydaystoday you sound like a wonderful thoughtful and reflective mum too. Thank you. Quiet confidence, while working and learning and growing in self-understanding. Yes, that's what I'd like for her, and for all this generation 🙏🏾