Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

[LifeChoicesAreTough]

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

Definitely speak to learning support/disability unit. The tutor is powerless in this situation. You need to speak to the people who do all the admin and systems behind the scenes for sure.

It is also perfectly possible to struggle a bit at uni and feel out of your depth in any or all of life admin, socialising, academic work , or keeping on top of housework without being ND

@Carandache18 yes, it does feel like a catch 22, so f'n tough especially as we went through the mill to make this decision. A primary motivation for which was to avoid the failed gap year scenario.

She does have a part time job, which she's really conscientious about and is signing up for more training so as to expand it. She's been going to the gym and doing classes, and just keeping up with her hobby (a physical one), plus learning to drive. She's really making an effort, I know she is, but she's also really struggling.

Thank you for the kindness and understanding in your words, I really appreciate them.

Good luck

maybe after Christmas and once the exams are over things will seem a bit clearer

also , lots of places have a Refreshers fate and a second batch of new international students come January which is an opportunity to join societies etc and get your tribe with other new people

@InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava absolutely it is, and she's only just gone through the dyslexia assessment which feels like enough for now. There are things in life she finds hard, but don't we all. Flip side is, she nails plenty of things I certainly don't have a clue about. I don't want to tie her in knots or feel boxed in by assessments, but she does need some tools / resources to help her manage her studies.

@InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava indeed! I'm still hopeful she might find her tribe, she is a brilliant wee girl even accounting for my bias 😊

My eldest DD is severely dyslexic, we paid for a LindaMoodBell trained cognitive tutor to give her the tools to succeed despite her dyslexia, she got a 1st at St Andrews and a 1st at UVA for her masters in a humanities course, she’s presented at academic conferences and is working on a PhD proposal.

i highly advise a lindamoodbell trained therapist. Antidepressants ain’t going to make a lick of difference.

Student services are often very good for things like dyslexia and definitely for signposting to resources .
also worth checking out the uni library, as some places have student support services embedded there for dyslexia support, and others just have self help sections and help with referencing software

this was my son last year, he hated the uni he was at. Dropped out at Christmas and went elsewhere this year and fingers crossed it’s going better.

She does have a part time job
She needs to quit it. My DD could not succeed at academics with a job. Being dyslexic means she needed far more time to get the required amount of research read, digested and papers written. Your DD will struggle if she is overloaded and limited on time.

@MarvellousMonsters coming home to decompress is what's happening right now, and it seemed to be doing the trick as a pattern of coping / bakancingt until the last few days. This might all be a pre-exam wobble, but some careful steering, and some university support, looks to be needed. I'm really glad you found a way of managing it all that worked for you and your child. It's good to hear. Thank you

have her apply for DSA now she has the diagnosis

I'll look into this, thank you.

I agree with the job. If she doesn't NEED to work and can get by then she shouldn't be working. It is full time education for a reason. It's hard work. It's full time.

I often ask my students who works or which of them have EVER had a job and it is very very few. I offer support for those who do because they are often from our widening participation groups and essentially find it much much harder.

@SpiritAdder you might be right, but the job is 90 minutes on a weekend morning, she's done by 10 a.m. she chose it, and is committed to it, so at the moment it feels like a good thing to have in her calendar / skill set. I'll check in with her about it, though. Thank you.

Might be worth asking if it causes her to self-select out of social things "I better not/better go as I have to be up in the morning"

Yes or derails time for her to do Uni work. All I know is my DD worked 12hrs a day, 6 days a week at Uni work to succeed.

My DD is as struggling at uni socially. She really wanted to come home every weekend but we encouraged her to stay and put effort into meeting up with people. I found it so hard as I was so worried about her but she started to gain ground socially. She also joined a local church which has been wonderful - they have a student minister who was great at looking out for strugglers and introducing them to others. They have regular social get togethers and are all very supportive.

Huge congratulations, genuinely, that is a tremendous achievement. And clearly took an incredible amount of determination and focus. It's good to hear, and good to know your support for your child was so effective and transformative.

Both of these things might be true, though I sense her job (and night at the cinema with me beforehand) is a pretty important social thing for her. And she's not putting in 12 hour days as matter of course, I'm not sure she'd quite cope with that, impressive as it is.

We kept our struggling nd dd in uni with a huge amount of effort on our parts. It took an extra year and the result didn't reflect her ability. In hindsight I'm not sure pushing her to stay was the right thing to do.

Sorry it’s not going well. She’s probably really stressed over it. But making a false start isn’t the end of the world. If she withdraws now she’ll get 2/3 of the fees back I think. My daughter had to intermit at Christmas last year (withdraw and resit the year) and 2/3 was taken off this years fees. She also had two friends drop out of their courses in the first year because they chose the wrong course and just didn’t enjoy it. Both are very happy now. She can work/volunteer/travel for the rest of this year and think about what she really wants to do.

Can she move back home with you? She has the rest of her life to move out and it might help a lot being in familiar surroundings. The three or four years of uni will fly by.

I think most people would benefit from a few years out before going to uni. She is too young to be there, and not ready to engage with the social side of things. Having the option to come home also is not helping her - as long as she can escape she wont stick it out and find a way through.

That being said though, its too early for her to be there I think.

Would it improve if she moved back home? If not, how about taking a year out then trying again next year.
I know a kid who hated his first year but thrived once he switched to a course in his home town and he could move back home. We don't need to push them out so young.