Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

[LifeChoicesAreTough]

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

She hasn't left home.

She was probably hoping to meet people etc and a whole new world. But her fellow students are likely not all living at home. So she is not included in their world.
Your poor daughter. I feel sorry for her. Yes, she is regretting her choice of university. Clear as day.
You have to let her fly the nest.

Has she had weekend holiday jobs @LifeChoicesAreTough

I went to a relatively local uni and didn’t find my tribe. I remember expecting to meet people on my course and in my halls and on nights out etc in my first year, but it didn’t happen.

I came to terms with it at some point and just cracked on. Looking back now it would have been great to have had a social life and a solid friendship group but it didn’t work out.

I think there’s an element of FOMO in your first year and pressure to be present for any sliding doors moments. By the second year I imagine she’ll be more settled, even if she doesn’t form any friendships.

HRTFT but DD sounds very similar to my own. She is fairly academic, currently in her first year of an integrated Masters
DD doesn't drink and I'd say introverted, but not completely antisocial. She had a small close friendship group at home (who are now all at different universities).
I encouraged DD to join lots of societies and not to turn down social invites when she first arrived (remembering how quickly friendship bonds formed), even if she was tired. She has CHD.
DD joined the obvious groups for maths and sciences, but also debate (hoping to improve confidence), some obscure Korean artists. Taylor Swift was another one and a baking group, which cooks each week and a coffee society. She hates coffee. They visit small independent coffee shops and eat cake, this one has been brilliant.
DD soon worked out what she liked.Starting wide gave her a lot to work with. Could your DD join a lot more societies? She also soon worked out which flatmates in her halls were her type of people.
What has surprised me most is DD has tickets to balls and formals. She refused to attend her school prom and all sixth form formals.
Academics are of course important but first year marks don't count towards degree classifications. I believe it's much more important to settle in and learn to enjoy your surroundings in the early days.
I think your DD might be too close to home (as long as she can cope living independently). It's allowed her to cop out of anything slightly outside of her comfort zone. Also, whilst some students might know each other, this cannot be possibly true of all of them. It's a numbers thing until you meet your tribe. If this was my DD I'd rather she had a reset next year at another University if she can't improve on her current situation.

OP never said anything about not letting her fly the nest.

Shes only 17. My dd is living at home, but has made friends with people in halls. She don’t want to leave home. I wanted her to.

I can't edit, but wanted to add DD joined a couple of sports at university too. She also doesn't work. We wanted her not to have that added pressure.

@SpoonBaloon that's what we're thinking about at the moment. She seems pretty happy hanging out at home, though it's not quite what people imagine as the student experience.

@Monty34 I'm doing everything I can to help her "fly the nest". She's in halls, she's just too young and probably not quite socially easy enough to make friends at the drop of a hat. I can't just leave her to get on with it / stick it out either, what would be the point of letting her struggle without any help or place of safety.

@GeorgeEdwardsMum thank you. It sounds like your daughter has done brilliantly at the social side of things. I will encourage mine to spread the net a little wider in terms of societies etc. That's a good idea, heartening. And they do sound similar, no school prom here either!

Thank you for sharing your experience, it's really helpful.

Thank you everyone, I've tried to reply to as much as I can, and will read back again tomorrow. Honestly it's so good to hear other people's stories of their children's experiences, it doesn't feel like there's an easy answer (except perhaps not expecting 17 years olds to slot straight into university life) and there's lots here to think about, including how to support a child with, clearly, some additional support needs. Like us all with our. children, I think, I just want to do right by her, for her to be okay, whatever that looks like for her.

If you're going to try to speak to them, please make sure your daughter has emailed Registry/equivalent, to let them know she has authorised this. Otherwise, by rights, the Uni can't speak to you; she's an adult now.... (although I know she still feels very young.)

I work in a School Office at a Uni, and my team supports the academic journey of the students. We would have a way to sort this out for her, for December. We would give her a set of Extenuating Circs, because there's a known need for learning support, but it hasn't been put into place yet. It would mean she would have to do the resit in the Summer/next opportunity for it - but it would be a first attempt, which would mean her marks wouldn't be capped. Might be worth her asking about.

Also, I wonder if you're in Scotland, when you talk about her age? (I am Scottish, went to Uni, and work here...) There is a 'false start' funded year built into funding, should it come to that.

@HollaHolla thank you, that's super useful and appreciated.

Just my perspective, but I’m personally a fan of persevering through tough times (with the caveat that it’s okay to quit IF there's a better alternative to be taken).

Even though struggling is painful in the here and now, I don’t think that quitting is very good for mental health long-term, the feeling of having ‘failed’ can linger and undermine self image and self-belief. “I can do hard things” is a good mantra for the young, I feel.
I would say that if she is truly miserable, she could look for alternatives that excite her more, but not to quit until she finds that new path.

I work in uni disability. I am 99% sure they can put adjustments in place for December.

We have soft deadlines, but would never leave a student in need without adjustments, and if it was impossible we'd offer mitigating circs.

As previously mentioned, apply for DSA. And quick, you can do this online and it's really easy, send over the dyslexia report, she will have a telephone call needs assessment and then support will be sorted. They can give her an 'SpLD mentor' who can support with academics, such as referencing, timetabling, sentence structure etc. They just cannot do any writing or editing of her work. So as such won't be subject specific. She may also get a laptop (£200 contribution) with specialist software. Mind view and read and write are superb. Recording equipment for lectures etc.

The support she gets directly from uni will be dependent on the course, and what support is needed. They can use the dyslexia report, and the needs assessment from the DSA to support need. Extra time in exams, extended deadlines, coloured paper, mitigation for spag in essays, are a bare minimum for uni reasonable adjustments.

Your daughter will need to give consent for you to speak on her behalf. She can send this via her university email as a one off, and they will likely have a form to complete and keep on file for you to have ongoing consent, however I would encourage your daughter to do most contact herself. But right now she's struggling and it's fine for you to help.

This time of year is one of our busiest, because it's a crunch point. Especially for first years. Exam season is suddenly upon them and they suddenly feel very scared, and very small. Suddenly realise that actually the support that was emailed about waaaaay back in aug, could be useful. So your daughter isn't unusual, it's just that time of the year where first years realise it's maybe not as easy as they'd hoped.

I agree with joining societies, see if there is neuro divergent one, we have one. We also do lots of random stuff on campus all the time, like wellbeing Wednesdays, where there are crafts to do. Wellness walks. We sometimes get a petting zoo in! That's always my favourite day!

There are usually wellbeing officers in universities addition to supervisors. My dd is nd and I don’t think at 17 she would have coped whatsoever but 19/20 she is now at uni and loving it. A leave of absence sounds like a good plan and then all these aspects can be put in place before returning. If it can commence before her assessments that would probably be better if her adjustments can’t be put in place.

My daughter had a false start at uni. Not going to lie I was pretty cross with her at the time as it was midway through the spring semester and she had known for a long time before which would have made things easier if she'd decided to bail earlier. She was also struggling with her mental health and hadn't told me. We had made a pact that this would never happen after a period of depression and self harming in her teens. She also has ADHD.

She managed to get on a similar course at another uni for the following September but had to restart year 1. The false start impacted her maintenance loan for that year and that was a pain financially for me. However, it was the right choice. She'd had very few friends at the first uni and her flat mates were all foreign students who didn't mingle (top tip, don't go for the bougie city centre accommodation over the less attractive, cheaper, but main student campus ones. Rookie error.) The new flat was smack bang in the middle of the large student campus, she found everyone much friendlier and she's now loving year two, living in a house with 5 others (all friends from the first flat of 10) and applying for a year in industry. She's a different person now, in herself, in her relations with others.

I had lots of advice to get her to stick it out but she was so unhappy I could see the damage this was doing.

It may be easier for your daughter to bail, decompress and have a think about what she really sees her life at uni being like. I'm not sure staying in her home town is the best idea: any friends she had have probably left. So much of uni life revolves around the social aspect that starting at a uni where almost everyone else is from somewhere else and ready to make new friends could be a real boost for her.

Also, my daughter needed a job. She wanted to feel that she was contributing to her uni life. She works in a fancy bar two evenings a week, loves doing it and it doesn't impact her degree work. It definitely helps me out too (my son is studying masters without a maintenance loan and the financial burden is a strain). Many students need to work for financial reasons. Working during a degree isn't unusual so if work is important to her then she should keep doing it.

Why doesn’t she want to explore an ASD diagnosis @LifeChoicesAreTough? It’s not a negative thing and would help her understand herself, and function better. It also would mean she’d get the right support in uni and in work if she needs it.

Short update ... daughter had zoom conversation with personal tutor, which seems to have been really helpful, reassuring and constructive.

She's away to see the accommodation people tomorrow, and has a plan / clear understanding around the exams, exceptional circumstances and so on.

Talking to someone within the university has made a proper difference, at least for now. Daughter even looks more settled and confident, which is good to see.

Someone mentioned the importance of young people learning to be resilient and do "tough things". Absolutely. (One of a family of endurance athletes, I get it, as does daughter.) But I also want her to know that undue suffering is really not necessary and that asking for help is an act of strength and self-care, not failure. She felt so let down by school that even setting up a chat with her personal tutor and recognizing that systems do exist to enable her to do well is a massive step forward. It might seem a little absurd, but I feel incredibly proud of her for this.

Thank you everyone for your support and sharing experiences and knowledge, it has really helped, and will continue to help. Genuinely, appreciated 💖

My daughter didn't settle into her university. However, she liked her subjects, and somehow stuck out the first year. Academically did really well but she wasnt happy. She looked around for the same/similar course elsewhere and applied through UCAS. She got a place at a different university but had to start again from year one. She was much happier. A few years on, she wishes she'd made the change earlier. The first uni just didn't work for her.

So glad to hear this. ❤️

Another person with a profoundly dsylexic child that aced university without accomdations because the diagnosis came in the last year, only triggered by a younger sibling being diagnosed and dots being joined.
We had been told by their private school that they were too bright to be dsylexic 🙄.

OP, creating a paper trail confirming the conversation with the person she spoke to and confirming the request for support/accommodations etc., is wise.

There are extenuating circumstances which can be applied as mitigating circumstances if the exams go badly.
Always best to reach out for help, contact the Disability department, are there free counselling services she can ask for?

She is not the least bit unusual with her struggles.
Covid has increased them and she is extremely young. My children started their degrees at 19 and they needed that maturity.

Have you thought of career guidance to see what careers might suit her?
Perhaps the university can help there too.

I would also be contacting the faculty manager, pastoral care too.
Ask for help.
They have seen and heard it all.

Sounds like she isn’t actually ready for uni, a couple of gap years work full time and reassess if she want to return to uni.

I’m a lecturer. Probably best in this situation to try and stick out first year as much as possible, then defer second year. She could also ask to transfer courses if this one isn’t for her. May be better to study something less exam heavy.

Unfortunately the drinking aspect of first year at inuvesity is a very big part of the experience! I was youngest in my school year and absolutely hated everyone who was 18 being able to go out without me. I would say she might enjoy it more when she can actually go out with her hobby friends etc. It's not even the drinking part it's more just being able to get into these places. When is she 18?

I'm assuming you are in Scotland as she's 17. She probably has some flexibility in course (unless it's something very specific like law or medicine) because the first year tends to be broad.

In terms of halls, if she really hasn't made any friends in her halls then she could commute or ask for a move. There is always a degree of movement and spaces open as term progresses. She might just click better in another location.

I've also known lots of people do years of staying at home then rent with pals for the final few years.

It can be harder to make friends as a student at home but if the halls aren't working out now it doesn't mean she has to do the full four years from home.