Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

[GhostedQuestions]

I’m talking specifically about situations where someone ghosts a friend out of the blue - no explanation, no gradual distancing, just a sudden disappearance, and it leaves the other person confused or hurt.

AIBU to wonder whether, once they’re doing better, they ever reflect and think they didn’t handle that well or whether they just move on without ever considering the effect it had on the friend?

IME OP these people tend to be quite self absorbed to be ghosting without a courtesy note, even if it crosses their mind they'll be thinking about how it might make them feel bad to get back in touch or they'll get back in touch but it's cos they're concerned about how it makes them look - either way it's about them not you!

My friends deal with it. I do return. If they feel unable to deal with periodic absences, which have at times been lengthy, then we’re not suited. For my longtime friends, the friendship is worth it overall.

Do you mean people who are depressed and cut friends off? Or people who cut friends off because they (the friend) is depressed and therefore not up to doing much/as fun to be around?

When I get like that my confidence is at rock bottom and feel that it would be arrogant to assume they care whether I'm around or not

I mean people who cut friends off because they themselves are depressed, not people avoiding a depressed friend. I’m talking about situations where someone disappears due to their own mental health struggles and later, when they’re doing better, whether they ever think back on it.

I've never ghosted due to depression, but have ghosted due to my health being poor.

No, I don't think about it or regret it now. I didn't think about it at the time either. If I ghosted in the first place, I wasn't thinking "I am ghosting this person", I didn't think at all. Life, bad health etc, was taking over. I just didn't think about them. I can acknowledge now that I definitely have done this, but thats about it.

I don't regret it because I didn't exactly choose it. When your health is shite, your health is shite. These people weren't being a support, life and bad health was happening, I didn't have the time or energy to cater to their feelings.

In fact I find it somewhat offensive that other people think I should be considering their feelings during a time where my body and mind were crumbling... They obviously weren't considering mine, or even at all concerned that I was struggling so much, else I probably wouldn't have been in a position to forget their existence. They'd have been there, supporting. Not just wanting my attention.

I imagine it's much the same for depression. It's not a pointed ghosting, and there's no reason to feel bad about it... And if that former friend thinks you should feel bad about it, that's probably why they were too much effort to keep on whilst you were struggling in the first place.

Yes, I thought I didn’t deserve my friend and she was better off with friends better than I could be to her.

But what do you mean by ‘think back on it’, exactly? Do you mean people who literally never contact their former friends again after a depressive episode where they didn’t contact them for months or years, but once they feel better they feel it’s too late?

People in depressive episodes are usually not employing rational thought processes and therefore the 'bigger picture' or 'later on' isn't something that crosses their mind. They're often just surviving one hour to the next.

If you think they're lacking foresight on how the absences impact friendship, I'd suggest you're lacking understanding and/or empathy on mental illness.

When I was in my blackest of episodes I could not fathom the need to live. What was the point? Nothing but effort and misery which I could so easily just avoid altogether. Easy peasy. People told me I should go to the GP. I told them that they needed to wake up to reality. I was unwell.

Why do you ask, OP? Have you yourself been ghosted? I would imagine it’s another thing to add to the list of guilt-inducing regrets people carry when they experience poor mental health. I’m sure some never give it a second thought, but I’d imagine few are so blithe.

I mean people who disappear during a depressive episode and never return to acknowledge it, not even a brief “I’m sorry I vanished, I wasn’t coping.” I’m talking about the ones who re-emerge in their normal life but never reconnect with the friend they dropped or never reflect on how it affected them.

I’m asking because I’ve seen it happen a few times, not just to me but around me too and it made me wonder how people feel once they’re on the other side of a depressive episode. I’m not assuming everyone is the same, I genuinely wonder whether people ever look back and think about the friendships they dropped.

Well, none of us know about the specific people that you’re presumably thinking of, OP, but if you valued the friendship and would like to resume it, it may be worth contacting the person in case they feel they would get a hostile response from you because so much time has passed.

If they seem to have moved on from their episode but haven't got back in touch, I'd assume they are aware they didn't handle things well and are ashamed or afraid their efforts to reconcile may be rejected. That would imply an amount of reflection.

Or, maybe they didn't feel supported during their depression and don't think the friendship is worth persevering with. Or maybe they simply don't care.

It's a very open-ended question and totally dependent on the individuals in question.

Is it the person who is depressed doing the cutting off? If so, they are probably suffering terribly and cannot consider the impact of their actions. Or they might just be trying to make themselves feel better if the person they cut off is harming them in some way.

I might think of them occasionally and hope they are doing well, but if it’s from a different part of my life - particularly one that I don’t have positive feelings about then I don’t want to go back and explain my private life to them. I also don’t think that my friendship was so important in their lives that they’d care to have me pop up months/years later.

Yes. I regret losing touch with lots of people. It was an affliction not a choice though. The only people I can be long term friends with are people who can welcome me back without judgement (often we take it in turns tbh). I wish that was not the case but I wish I was never depressed for lots of other reasons too.

I've never ghosted a friend during a depressive episode. I've occasionally softpedalled on social stuff because I've felt like I'm approaching burnout and need down-time and feel I can't just say that to people's faces without them trying to coax me out of it.

For example I have a regular group of university friends who I see once every 2-3 months. I love them to bits and they are supportive and lovely but they can be a bit inflexible about social events and sometimes if you say "I'm busy/stressed/tired, I can't do this one," you'll get a lot of guilt-tripping and persuasion. If I'm in the thick of dealing with something really big, I don't want to also have to be managing stuff like this -- its too much. I make a point of not doing it on a repeat basis but every now and then you have to be able to back out of things if you can't manage it without

This is honestly what white lies are for. Sometimes its just easier to say you're ill.

But full on ghosting is shit.

Most people who are that depressed think they are doing their friends a favour by not speaking to them.

Mmm. This happened to me about 7 months ago. I posted here about it. A good friend texted me and told me to go away and leave her alone. She said she didn’t want any friends. I sent her a note, which some in here said was intrusive, but I wanted her to know I was still there for her.
A few months later she messaged to say it wasn’t anything I’d done.
its very hurtful but I think it’s hard when someone is struggling for them to care about friendships and maintaining them.
Id imagine when that person feels better, it must be hard to try to reconnect with the friends they dropped.

I have a friend who is doing this to me. It has been a theme throughout our friendship and I am getting to the point where I have had enough of them thinking their mental health is always more important than mine, since I've had depression and difficult times too. I feel like I'm texting and calling thin air and it is really having a negative impact on me. I don't want to walk away from the friendship, but it doesn't feel much like one when you get ignored time after time. I feel l Iike I'm some kind of harassing idiot and I'm annoyed that I have to feel like that because they can't just text thanks, but I'm not up for talking now. I'm really not sure what to do. I don't want to abandon them, but I really feel like my contact is not wanted.

I'd love to know the answer to this as I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 16yo and every single one of my friends disappeared without saying anything. That's partly why I don't have friends now because I don't trust anyone enough to believe if it happened again they wouldn't just do the exact same thing

Ignore my post, I read on and saw you meant from the other way around

Yes, and I have felt bad about it. And I've been ghosted by a friend and it was really hurtful and upsetting and took me a while to accept it. Probably I looked really pathetic in my attempts to reconnect and it still smarts that she dropped me.

But still I have have done it to other people since.

I've lost friendships when in the midst of deep dark depression and it's partly because my depression was so loud that I didnt have capacity to cope with anything. And partly because I genuinely thought it was better not to see people than continually cancel plans last min. No-one knew I was depressed and I was too ashamed to tell people and ask for help, even when I nearly killed myself no-one knew.
I feel guilty all the time but it was never about them, when you're in crisis you don't think rationally. I was never horrible or mean, just let communication slide.