Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

[GhostedQuestions]

I’m talking specifically about situations where someone ghosts a friend out of the blue - no explanation, no gradual distancing, just a sudden disappearance, and it leaves the other person confused or hurt.

AIBU to wonder whether, once they’re doing better, they ever reflect and think they didn’t handle that well or whether they just move on without ever considering the effect it had on the friend?

Describing it as “ghosting” is quite value-laden and negative. And couches it in the same terms as when one actively chooses to end a romantic relationship in a cowardly and unkind way.

Some mental health conditions (like the one I have, and with which I’ve been housebound, recently hospitalised, and cut-off from any normal social contacts since June) are equally as critical / serious / disabling / life-threatening as if a friend was having cancer treatment, or had a spinal injury or had been on dialysis….

Yet somehow I don’t think you’d be feeling “ghosted” if your friends had gone low-contact with you throughout their life-saving chemo - would you? I’ve been physically, emotionally and psychologically unable to maintain contact with most people. I’ve been unable to care for myself. I’ve had utterly nothing left in the tank - a total catastrophic mental breakdown. For 4 months I’ve not washed / been able to do shopping / been able to understand how to do the basics to care for myself. I clean my teeth once a week because it’s just been too effortful.

My raft of lovely well-meaning friends, acquaintances and colleagues have been testing for months, suggesting having a catch-up / walk / coffee etc…. Whilst kind of them, I have not been able to respond to anyone. How - when I’m not even able to clean my own teeth and been in the same clothes for 7 days straight? It worries me that I’ll be judged for not being in more contact….. but it’s just how it is.

Hearing this post saying that this is “ghosting” is just really bloody depressing.

I hope your friends are ok, and hope they’re not being judged too harshly by other, non-poorly people’s standards.

This.

thank you for sharing that - maybe it was easy maybe it wasn’t but meant a lot to hear someone else who has gone through similar x

My depression is shame-laden, so the moments when I realize that I, in my depression, let people down, lost friends, missed important moments are enough to break my heart and send me into a spiral. I mourn the things I lost because of my mental health.

So yea, some of us think about it.

I think there is a lot of truth in this, although would say its a symptom of the mental health crisis rather than a personal failing. My ex with mental health problems had fallen out with/ ghosted so many people it was quite excessive. I have had other friends disappear and come back with an apology about how they weren't coping. I lost touch with a lot of friends myself after a bereavement and its taken effort to reconnect again. So in summary I think there are lots of scenarios really!

I’m sorry for your losses firstly. That just have been a dark time. Here to say it’s never too late. A small message saying what you have just written - maybe the outcome won’t be a renewed friendship but your old friend knowing why you never responded may touch them. Life is short. I’d reach out x

Exactly this for me….

Yes, I've silently cut friends out during a depressive episode when I've felt perceived rejection. I then feel even more shame when I realise the errors of my ways. I kind of hate myself for it, to be honest.

My wonderful best friend (for 20 years at the time) cut me off when I went to moan about work. I left the place & realised I was depressed…

I've had depression and anxiety (officially "mixed anxiety and depressive disorder'") most of my life. Yeah I go off grid for a while during bad periods. When I'm at my worst I struggle to care for myself on a basic level, like it's a win if I brush my teeth and shower and sleep normally. I have got better with time at expressing this to people, and I have many friends with depression who also have the same struggle. My best friend has been through a lot and sometimes when he is at his worst he drops off grid. It hurts but also I know why because I've done it. All I can do is show I care, but in a low demand kind of way. So if he posts on Instagram I like it and leave a supportive comment, just so he knows I'm here when he is ready again.

One of my oldest friends got really angry about my tendency to drop off. He thought it was a sign I didn't care about him. I care so so much about him, his wife, their baby, but I just had nothing in the tank to show it. I started sending voice notes to people as a way to stay in touch and that has helped us a lot. But sometimes even that is just...so much. So sometimes I post on my close friends story and say hi everyone it's a bad time, I'm working on it, I'll reply when I can. That helps too. But it's also scary and vulnerable and feels very me me me, if I let the intrusive thoughts win.

I am on meds and have been for over a decade. I've been in four rounds of therapy and currently on round five. I have a stressful job. It's hard but we do try, and we do care, but you do have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can turn to others.

I hope you can see OP that it's really not about you or anything you've done. It's just hard to keep functioning and yes I have lost people for good. I do feel shame, regret, but I also can't do much about that now. All I can do is try again and keep being honest with people about how I am feeling.

How are they ‘meant’ to handle their mental ill health?

Do people who think friends should function as their support human/therapist/caregiver instead of getting on with their own lives and dealing with all their own problems ever think about the enormous and negative impact expecting too much from other people has on them?

This. When I was (am?) really bad, I am convinced that I'm doing everyone a favour by withdrawing and going quiet. I am convinced they're relieved.

Once I'm out of the black hole, I will message them. My brain fog will have lifted. I'll be able to make conversation. I haven't yet had anyone not take me back, but I'm prepared that it could happen as is their right.

When I'm in a depressive episode I'm completely unable to care for, or about, myself. I sure as hell am completely unable to even contemplate others' feelings. It's an illness, not a personality trait.

They don't. That is why some disappear and don't bother their friends at all.

Bottom line, friends aren't therapists, and offering too much intervention is bad for the person being pushed to offer it. It is also often bad for the person with mental health issues.

For example, a friend not having proper boundaries around phone calls/visits/how much they can do will burn out pretty quickly. The person with mental health challenges will come to expect them to be available, and then they simply will no longer be able to manage that for any number of reasons. And out of desperation and to protect themselves the

It is always kinder to simply say no to excessive demands from people with mental health issues, right from the beginning, as they are unsustainable. But most people only learn that several months in to being pushed into the role of support person. That's when people vanish, as it is just far too much and they cannot deal with it, no longer want to, do not want to be shamed or guilted for just being an ordinary human dealing with their own stuff.

Even worse can be those who really do make their whole life into supporting their mentally unwell friend, those people often have their own personality chalenges.

Therapists and care workers have supports in place, psychologists etc have to debrief with other psychologists because the weight of other people's struggles is too difficult even for trained professionals without other professionals to support them.

Friends aren't support workers, carers or therapists and they have a right to draw their own line in the sand. It's always safer, fairer and better to leave mental health support to those with training in the field.

Oh, wait you are saying that the person having the depressive episode cuts people off?

That's perfectly understandable behaviour if having mental health challenges.

Such is life, friends who cannot understand that are not friends at all.

Bottom line, it is not ok to have massive expectations of anyone, and if they vanish from your life they have their own reasons, so respect that. You don't have any choice in the matter anyway, people do what they do.

I know friends are not therapists. That is why they had no idea what was going on with me. I did not want to burden them.

Such an interesting take on this, OP.

It would never in a million years occur to me to wonder whether friends who shied away from social interaction during a low period ever 'reflected' on it afterwards. If I know someone's unwell and I don't hear from them, I assume it's too much and that they'll re-emerge when ready. I don't think they 'owe' me connection or updates.

Ditto when I have felt low; I absolutely shrink away from the glare of social interaction, and, luckily, my friends do not think worse of me for it.

For god's sake, they're ill. If you can't cut them some slack and forgive them for not centring you when they're at their lowest point, then you probably weren't a very good friend anyway.

I’ve cut friends before, l during pmsing. When I was younger, I regretted it, but now I realize those friendships weren’t healthy. Their bad behavior would likely have escalated anyway, and the PMS just made me more aware of my intuition.
As for depression, I only experienced it in my teenage years. Nowadays, I wouldn’t judge a friend if they came back and explained their situation, as long as the reasons they cut ties weren’t extreme, like name-calling, malice, or putting me in danger. I understand that a depressed person feel irritation and confusion, and I can empathize with that.

Interesting question. It happened to me but I'm not even sure if my friend was depressed as I had just given her news of a happy event in my life and she ghosted me immediately after. She had been an anxious person generally, but I guess I will never know what happened or how she felt about it.

I did feel devastated though. You can have compassion for people with MH issues but still feel sad and upset by their behaviour (intentional or not). She never did contact again and I was left to mourn the end of the friendship which had meant so much.

I regret ghosting certain friends more than ending my marriage if that answers your question OP. But I will say that I jump around like an excited puppy when they reach out to me , but unfortunately only those who truly understand my affliction or are robust or totally adore me will do this.
Such friendships aren't for everyone and I fully understand that.

Well said ❤️

It is quite cruel to call it 'ghosting' when the poor person was just too ill to be able to contact people.

I tend to do this a lot. When I get so low and really struggle with my OCD I don’t have the capacity to cope / deal with other people, I just don’t want it. I can’t stand the noise, the expectations, the pressure, the ‘need’ to keep communication open even though you’re not alright.

I’m naturally very introverted, and don’t enjoy having many friends or people near me, whatsapping me, or pestering me to socialise etc, I find it easier to leave people.

I do ruminate on that decision sometimes, and upset myself but I think the OCD makes that worse. My longtime friend understands, but I do tend to always pop back up.

I try not to feel bad about it as I know I’ve done it for a legitimate reason, not just being horrible. You’ve got to protect yourself when it’s needed, and if you don’t even have the energy to care for yourself, I wouldn’t feel that bad about attempting to prioritise myself.

Sorry, what a waffle! X